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This is a little long, and I apologize. Read if you want to be a part of my therapy session. Here goes… So I think can finally articulate my beef with the Church. I attended a full three hour block of church on Sunday, including 1 ½ extra hours with Ward Council (as the EQ rep). And I saw and heard things that irritated me and slowly made me miserable by the end of the block. (Yea, I know, nothing can
makeme miserable…) Not to be overly dramatic, but I think I’m basically dealing with some unintended, yet very real spiritual abuse. This has taken two forms in my life: 1-The same-sex attraction piece. I grew up in Mormonville in a small, northern Utah cowtown. I began to realize my feelings and attractions around the age of 12. I think it horrified me on a subconscious level. Back then, the only real statements by the Church re:homosexuality was
The Miracle of Forgivenessand BKPs pamphlets To the Oneand For Young Men Only. I read everything I could find, and was stunned that I might be “an abominable crime against nature”. I internalized all the homophobia in my community. I realize that in the 80s, most of American culture was homophobic; however, the Church added an extra “spiritual” layer to the onion. Not only was I out of luck in this life, but I was also eternally damned, because there was something spiritually inferior and defective about me. Even though I never acted on my feelings, I felt broken and irreparable. No success in my life could ever compensate for this. The Church eventually began to address the problem more proactively. The E Oaks Engisn article on same-sex attraction was published just after I got back from my mission. The Brethren were finally making a distinction between attraction and behavior (although that also has its problems). Twelve years later,
God Loveth His Childrenwas published, which acknowledged that marriage should not be considered a cure, and that some people may not be “cured” in this life (unfortunately for me, twelve years after I began reparative therapy). Although I am grateful I didn’t live through the shock treatment era, I still think things would have been better for me if I had been born twenty years later. Even though things are improving for gay people and the Church, the damage to my self-worth has already been done. Now, I imagine, I’ll be trying to convince myself of my worth for the rest of my life. 2-The second piece is the garden-variety shaming and blaming part of Mormon culture. I’m emotionally sensitive, and a perfectionist. I also want to be a good person. So all of the guilt trips in Church have just beaten me into the ground. Maybe that stuff is useful for noncompliant people, but all it has done is further convince me of my worthlessness.
Now, I know that I am a person of great worth in my head. And I’m beginning to set boundaries with the Church, but that’s so hard to do. When someone trots out the guilt trips or homophobic rhetoric, I start getting pulled in. Then I become angry. Then I become depressed. Ultimately I need to get to a point where I can just blow the negativity off, but I’m not there yet. I feel the Spirit at church, and I love the Sacrament. There are problems with JS, the BoM, and the BoA, but I’m ok with figurative beliefs. I just feel like I’ve been abused in the church, and I need to set boundaries so that I won’t be hurt anymore.
The question is, how? The ward is tugging at me for greater participation (occasionally playing the organ in sacrament, teaching gospel principles, EQ presidency). I think I’ve benefited from cutting back my participation, but I also know that I tend to isolate myself and going to church is good for me from a social standpoint. Argggh! Maybe I just need thicker skin, or I need to learn how to tune out. IDK. Thoughts?
Given what a good man your Bishop is, have you shared all of this with him? You know that’s not my first response in most situations we discuss here, but you are in a ward where that is my immediate reaction. I think you still have a chance to be a force for good and continued change in that particular ward, but only you can decide if the cost is worth the investment.
Turinturambar I love you man! 🙂 I believe that boundaries are related to cost/benefit analysis. If the costs of staying in the church far outweigh the benefits then one way to restore the balance is to set up boundaries that limit the costs of continued participation. This in not always an easy task for several reasons. One reason is that we tend to be an “all-in” church and look with suspicion on those that don’t pull their own weight. Another is that giving assignments and/or callings is one of the primary tools that are used to integrate a person into the ward.
When setting boundaries in this fashion is unsuccessful another form of setting boundaries is inactivity. This severly limits both the costs and the benefits. Sometimes this has the added benefit of getting perspective. You may want to take an LDS holiday to visit other churches to see what the comparative “market” has to offer (we do this regularly for conferences). Maybe you will return to full activity with better centered equilibrium next time. Maybe you will find something that better aproximates happiness elsewhere. Only you can really know if this 3 hour block experience was an isolated occurance or if it is pretty consistent with the entirety of your church participation.
I want you to have a measure of happiness. Life is hard, but not without its joys. I wish for you to have some of that…”Man is that he might have joy.” Remember?
Your friend,
Roy
turinturambar wrote:The ward is tugging at me for greater participation (occasionally playing the organ in sacrament, teaching gospel principles, EQ presidency). I think I’ve benefited from cutting back my participation, but I also know that I tend to isolate myself and going to church is good for me from a social standpoint. Argggh! Maybe I just need thicker skin, or I need to learn how to tune out.
Yes…I think this is what you are needing to learn for yourself.
Do
youthink it is right for greater participation? Do
youthink it is right for greater isolation? Is it right to do what others expect you to or to flip others off and only do what you want to do?
I think there is a middle way, a balanced way between being compassionate with also being bold, that allows you to walk with inner strength of knowing you do what you do for reasons
youbelieve in, not for fears of disappointing others (including God). You won’t always be perfect and never make mistakes, but you can always be sincere and genuine to everyone you meet. People respect that, even if they disagree. Here is one tip:
If others confront you and tell you that you need to be more involved, ask them why they think that, and then listen intently so you understand them. Then file that away as what
they think. Their idea is about them, it is not necessarily what is right for you. But I have found it helpful to let others tell me what they think…it helps them feel they did what they feel is right by sharing their testimony to me. Then I let it go, and they seem to let it go a bit more because it was said, and it doesn’t have to be tip-toed around with invitations to go do this or that or hint at me doing something…just let them tell me directly so they know I know how they feel. I often check my own thoughts and feelings about what they say, then I choose my belief on what feels right to me. No one can receive personal revelation for you, not even the bishop, not even Pres Monson. A thicker skin comes when you feel good in your skin, and you know God loves you just the way you are, and you can balance selfish desires with the love of others and the desire to connect with others within acceptable boundaries.
turinturambar, You’ve gotten some great responses here.
I just want to add that you have great worth. You are a force for good, even if you don’t know it… and should you choose, you can have a great influence on many people. You personally have had a significant impact in how I view SSA in and out of the church. I feel that you have been a force for good in my life, and as I have had discussions with my wife and kids on the issues, I feel like we are all self-moderating. I believe we are in a major transition period in the church, where more and more people want increased inclusiveness. Yes, there are those stuck in first gear, and there always will be, but I believe the LDS church and its people have a great capacity for compassion, driven by the doctrine that we are all children of the same God.
Perhaps you might find inner strength and self-worth, by picking up the banner of tolerance and becoming the reason why others shed their prejudices. I’m just offering as a suggestion… it’s certainly not your responsibility, so you would have to do this because you want to, but based on my personal experiences, I believe you stand in a unique position to be a force for good, if you want.
For me, my shifting view of SSA issues has come not from people yelling at me that I must submit to there way of thinking or be dismissed as a hater, but rather from people like you who I see as in my same group, and for whom I just want respect, dignity and acceptance. Then, I start questioning my stance on issues, because I see them affecting people in my inner circle, so to speak. Anybody can shout and accuse, but people that are a force for good accomplish this by their actions (city on a hill, by their fruits you shall know them, to reference a couple of snippets of Jesus’ words).
No matter what you chose to do, I want to thank you for the role that you, turinturambar, have had in my change of heart.
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