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My recommend expired this summer, and I decided not to renew it. At some point I would like to have one, but right now I don’t feel comfortable doing so. Even after reading the excellent series of questions and answers about the TR interview questions on this site this summer, it would not be so good to have an interview. Starting with Q1a: Do you have faith in and a testimony of God the Eternal Father?
Nope.
I have decided that I want to believe in some sort of God, but I don’t believe that he fulfills the role of father to me at all. The most significant manifestation of God is when people love and help each other, and whatever inspires people to do that can be called God.
I perhaps will discuss this further on the relevant threads, but the purpose of this thread is to ask advice in my situation.
Since I’m not ready for a TR interview, I decided just to not schedule one and go on as normal. So when the ward Exec. Secretary called and requested that I schedule one, I ignored the call. Two weeks ago he caught up with me at church and said that I could have an interview this Sunday, I created an excuse, so he scheduled it for the next Sunday (a week ago yesterday). Luckily for me, in the confusion around hurricane Sandy, I missed the appointment. So yesterday the Exec. Secretary corners me again and says he can schedule the interview for next Sunday.
The Exec. Secretary is a really nice person, who I am friendly with, and I’m sure he is just trying to magnify his calling. I don’t really want to tell him that I am choosing not to have a temple recommend at this time, especially since he usually just finds me in the crowded hallway or foyer, not really the place to have this conversation, and he is not the person to have it with.
I could go directly to the Bishop, but we simply do not talk to each other, it is best for both of us. (i.e. yesterday there were a group of 4 of us working, he came up and talked to each of the other 3.) So I definitely don’t want to have my interview with him, or explain to him my concerns.
I’m thinking of going to one of the bishop’s counselors and telling them that I don’t want an interview right now, but of course, they would surely go to the bishop, and probably request that I talk to him as well.
So I’m thinking about going in, if the appointment is with the bishop I don’t know what I’d do, but unless I am very wrong, the bishop will ask one of his counselors to interview me and then I could just say no to Q1, and see where things go from that point.
Also, this ward has a HUGE confidentiality problem, confidences frequently are shared with the entire ward council, and the presidencies of the all the priesthood and auxiliaries. (Not to mention the Bishop’s son, who loves being “in” on things.)
So WWYD?
Don’t turn up… You don’t have to say “yes”, and there’s only so many times they can ask you.
There is no mandatory requirement to attend an interview. Just say no the next time the Exec. Sec. finds you – and, if he asks why, very politely tell him that interviews aren’t supposed to be scheduled without the input of the person involved and you simply don’t want an interview right now. Leave it at that – with him and anyone else who might ask.
As a side note, if you have a good relationship with someone at the stake level, I would consider sharing the confidentiality concerns with him or her. They are serious, and I would want to know about them if it was me.
rebeccad wrote:So WWYD?
Realistically, while the choice is always yours to say no or not show up, I would probably weigh the factors that doing such things would be taken by others (the Exec Sec and bishopric) a certain way, and they may be concerned about my answer or lack of wanting to meet, and might put me on the list to meet and talk about it. I take that as a sign they really care about me, even if I wonder if they would understand me or not, so if I really don’t want to meet with them, a clear statement like “No, I don’t want to.” or just not showing up may only lead to further having to explain myself.
I would likely respond, “Right now is not a good time for me to setup an interview with the bishop. Let me get back to you on when I feel ready and will reschedule it then.” Being vague is a good way of not being right in their face with it, and I would try to keep the control of saying I’ll schedule it when I’m ready to schedule it.
Hopefully, they are busy enough that I would drop of the list or be put on the back burner. And it is a way that I keep that door open so that if I do want to talk to them about it later, I am in control to want to reschedule it when I would be ready.
While others may wonder why you don’t want to meet, I don’t think they obsess over it. Neither should you. It is just how you feel, and that is OK to feel that way.
If you don’t feel there is a strong trust in confidentiality, and too many others who like to “get in on the scoop” – all the better to be vague in sharing any information.
Heber13 wrote:I would likely respond, “Right now is not a good time for me to setup an interview with the bishop. Let me get back to you on when I feel ready and will reschedule it then.” Being vague is a good way of not being right in their face with it, and I would try to keep the control of saying I’ll schedule it when I’m ready to schedule it.
Great advice! You want the exchange not to be very memorable – not at all the kind of thing to raise red flags!
:thumbup: Roy wrote:not at all the kind of thing to raise red flags!
There may be times I want to raise red flags and have serious discussions. The “temple recommend expiration list” is not the hill to die on, for me.
Heber13 wrote:Roy wrote:not at all the kind of thing to raise red flags!
There may be times I want to raise red flags and have serious discussions. The “temple recommend expiration list” is not the hill to die on, for me.
That is exactly how I feel right now. Once I have gotten further in the process of figuring out my beliefs I might want to discuss them with someone in the ward, but right now is not the right time.
Heber13 wrote:I would likely respond, “Right now is not a good time for me to setup an interview with the bishop. Let me get back to you on when I feel ready and will reschedule it then.” Being vague is a good way of not being right in their face with it, and I would try to keep the control of saying I’ll schedule it when I’m ready to schedule it.
I think this is exactly right: don’t let the Exec Sec schedule you an appointment and then just no-show. I think that’s ill mannered and doesn’t show respect for the person’s time who is sitting waiting for you to show up. If it were me, I’d put my hand on his shoulder and say “Mike, I really appreciate you looking after me, but I’m just not ready to meet with anyone from the bishopric regarding a temple recommend. When that changes, you’ll be the first person I call. Thanks, though.”
Love those responses. Kumahito wrote:I think this is exactly right: don’t let the Exec Sec schedule you an appointment and then just no-show. I think that’s ill mannered and doesn’t show respect for the person’s time who is sitting waiting for you to show up. If it were me, I’d put my hand on his shoulder and say “Mike, I really appreciate you looking after me, but I’m just not ready to meet with anyone from the bishopric regarding a temple recommend. When that changes, you’ll be the first person I call. Thanks, though.”
Having been an exec. sec. before, I can tell you that I was very conscious of personal issues that people could have and not wanting to get involved in them in any way. I was just there to schedule appointments. I am not sure from your description of
yourspecific guy, but if he is anything like I was, he has had experiences where someone was not ready for an appointment and would just pass on the information and let the bishopric sit on it or not as they saw fit. A report from me would go something like “I tried to schedule Sister. X for an temple rec. interview and she said she would let me know when she wanted to set it up.” No particular red flags. It could just be a really busy time for you, or she could have concerns that I would reallyhave not wanted to get involved in that if I was exec. sec., so the matter would simply (and with relief) be passed on and that’s it. If they had some further questions, they would then follow up later if needed, but I don’t see the whole ward getting involved UNLESS you took to the rooftops and made your issues known far and wide. I know being in crisis can make you feel unsure, especially when trying to discern the motives of others who you encounter and have relationships with. But I think worrying about “what will they think” can lead to overthinking these situations and can sometimes result in small (or not) degrees of increasing parania while “the secret” isn’t out on you. I would hope you could just say to your exec. sec.,
“I can’t commit to having a temple recommend interview right now due to personal reasons, but I will contact you or the bishop when I’m ready.”
Open ended. Not necessarily sounding like anything is up. Leaves the ball in your court – for as long as you need.
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