A Place For People Like Me

I have been lurking the forum for a month or so and thought it was time to introduce myself.

I am a lifelong member with a brief, but intense, period of post high school inactivity where I was anti in a purely emotional (no intelectual foundation) kind of way. Other than that I was raised in a typical LDS family with an all or nothing, never question the official story attitude. I bought into this, despite a skeptical view to the rest of the world in general.

In my pre-marriage years I had a convert girlfriend that challenged my (standard LDS) views on gays that were prejudiced and homophobic. This was a good start for me to start thinking outside the box. Especially given the experience a few years later when my brother that we were all in denial about came out of the closet.

A number of years ago I picked up and read “Under The Banner Of Heaven” followed a couple of years later by most of Rough Stone Rolling. Both of these books started opening my eyes to the complexity of our collective history and helped me to come to terms with the idea of leaders who despite being called of God are imperfect. I mulled on this for a couple of years.

During my time of mulling my wife and I took a weekend trip to the Cardston temple, a few hours drive from our house in which we both felt inspired to sell our home and move to the West Coast of Canada. As we started to move, we had lots of obstacles and began to question the validity of our inspiration. Moving West had always been one of my goals so maybe we were just manifesting good feeling based on personal desires. (?)

After a year after our move I still had not secured sufficient work, despite lots of resumes, fasting, prayers. I began to question the intricacies of how the spirit works and the validity of expecting God to bless my life. My thoughts were as follows. If 2 people are praying to get a job, how does God decide who gets the job and why wasn’t I that person? After all I was part of his favorite church. Basically I started to question the idea of God intervening in our lives. If he does that complicates things. Questions like how does he choose to cure a 50 year old man of brain cancer while letting a young mother of 2 die doesn’t add up and answers like “We can’t understand the way God works” seem shallow and meaningless.

So I stopped praying for things. I still say prayers of thanks, which is strange given my reasons for not asking for blessings. After a few months I finally landed a 1 year contract for my dream job. I gave a prayer of thanks.

I have spent a lot of time over the past year thinking about what the church means to me. How the church is different from the gospel. Discovering this site has been really helpful. After some experiences at church where I feel marginalized, I don’t feel like an island anymore. Articles like “How to Stay…” “What is Official Mormon Doctrine?” And “What the Church Means To People Like Me” are amazing. John Dehlin and the Mormon Stories podcast are a godsend. I wish I could share this with everyone, but I realize that it isn’t for everyone.

Luckily, my wife approached me a couple months ago with lots of the same concerns that I have. We both have huge issues with the treatment of Gay members among other historical issues. I feel so lucky to have a wife on the same road as me. I believe that there is something distinct about this church, I like having it in my live, despite the lack of connection to the people I see on Sunday. I don’t really buy into the exclusivity of the church, but I see value in it.

Anyways, I am not really looking for answers. I am sure some of my views on issues will come out in more details as I participate in this forum. I don’t necessarily feel like I am in a faith crisis as much as an evolution, or shedding of skins. I really look forward to connecting with the rest of you.