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I pulled out my journal from my senior year in high school. Here are some excerpts:
Quote:Monday, December 9, 1996
There is a voice prevalent in me. It says, “You are nothing. You deserve nothing.” I feel that I will never be able to say that my life is in order.
I feel like one of those on LSD, always searching for something beautiful to grasp. When they see something and go for it, it disappears.
I have become one of those people that stops trying to seek for happiness because it is seemingly unattainable. I’m even worse than most because I know that happiness does exist and it is within reach.
Monday, December 16, 1996
I was depressed today so I didn’t get anything done.
Monday, January 13, 1997
There seems to be so much hate and I have felt much of it and I want to get rid of all my negative thoughts. I was really sad and I was having suicidal tendancies tonight.
Wednesday, January 15, 1997
Last night I went around with the Priests and shoveled people’s sidewalks again. I am afraid of this world. I don’t want to feel like this.
Friday, January 17, 1997
I told some of my friends at school that I would be at the basketball game at the high school tonight but I didn’t go. I have done stuff like that a lot this year. At the beginning of the school year I was looking forward to getting back into the social scene. At first I made a lot of new friends and then I became depressed and now I neglect friendships.
Tuesday, January 28, 1997
My mind is so full of confusion I haven’t room left to think. I feel hate. It is terrible. I know that this world can not last much longer.
Thursday, January 30, 1997
I am incapable of being happy. I am having suicidal tendancies.
Friday, January 31, 1997
I have not accomplished anything this week.
Wednesday, February 19, 1997
I feel like a complete slacker because I was trying to fast today for [a friend] and I gave up. Fasting is really hard for me to do.
I fell asleep today and I feel like I did not accomplish much. I hate it when that happens. I always feel tired and I hate it.
Thursday, February 20, 1997
When I woke this morning all I felt was sadness and hopelessness. I did not go to my first class just because I felt that I could not do anything. I went down to my room and listened to a talk that Elder Jeffrey R. Holland gave last general conference. After that I felt a little better and I went to school. I don’t understand why I am frequently depressed.
Tuesday, February 25, 1997
I have been having a really hard time getting out of bed. Nearly every morning I wake up full of sadness and hopelessness. I will fight these feelings every morning if I have to.
Wednesday, February 26, 1997
Lately I have been tired all of the time and I have felt like it is hard for me to accomplish anything.
Sunday, March 2, 1997
Today in sacrament meeting I bore my testimony.
Tonight I went to a fireside and the speaker was Jeffrey R. Holland. It seems hard for me to learn anything. I am frustrated with life. I am discouraged and that is what I am not supposed to be. I feel so lost. After I bore my testimony I felt good but those feelings left soon after I got home because I broke my fast early. I simply don’t know what to do with my life.
Thursday, March, 13, 1997
I have been depressed all night but I have made a decision that I am not going to let this world beat me.
Saturday, March 15, 1997
This world beat me yesterday. I got out of bed early for family scripture study and then I felt like I did not have enough strength to even get in the shower. I went back to bed and I missed most of school.
Saturday, April 12, 1997
It does not do any good to write in this journal. Nothing does any good. Nothing makes me feel better about myself. I am not doing anything wrong. I am doing everything wrong.
Here’s some from shortly after my mission:
Quote:Tuesday, July 04, 2000
I took [my fiance] home on the way to work and she did not want me to go because I was so depressed and she was afraid that I would do something stupid. She cried and it hurt. When I was gone she went to my house and told my parents what we have been going through.
Monday, July 10, 2000
On Sunday morning I went to choir practice. Afterwards I walked across the street to the park and sat on the bleachers and read some scriptures and cried and cried. During sacrament meeting I walked out because I was crying. Maybe this doesn’t make sense. It is difficult to explain where my pain and sorrow comes from. I felt dead and I wanted to go to bed but I went to Sunday School and Priesthood anyway.
Sunday, October 22, 2000
Two weeks before the wedding I was extremely concerned because I was not certain that I should get married. I was also having obsessive thoughts, which included self-injury and suicide, and I figured that someone having such thoughts is not in a state to get married. I felt lost.
When I really consider all of this, I conclude that I am just bad. I am so bad, deep inside, so I need this curse to keep from being prideful.Yes, I’ve seen psychologists, psychiatrists, nurse practitioners, and family doctors. I’ve tried many different medications. I have never fully recovered from my “party days.” At age 16, I was a walking skeleton, living on marijuana, LSD, and crystal meth. God saved me from that lifestyle, but I guess I am stuck with a thorn in the flesh. Shawn, I would say you have long-term issues that do constitute a “thorn in your side” – but I absolutely would not characterize that as making you “bad”. Remember, our 2nd Article of Faith says, phrased differently, that we are saved from those things that are a natural part of us and not the result of full agency – and I believe strongly that issues like those within the broad spectrum of depressive disorders fall squarely in that category – that things done in the throes of those disorders often (or usually) are not truly “sins”, in that there often (or usually) is not full control and, therefore, not full accountability.
I see what you described MUCH more as examples of the sick who need a physician, both physically and spiritually, and I see the Atonement / grace as covering you and taking away any “guilt” that might otherwise acrue.
Fwiw, I would hold onto faith that you will not be judged or condemned for what you couldn’t control – and still can’t control fully. That is my own belief, and it is one about which I am passionate.
Shawn, Being in a hard place does not make you bad.
I am in no way qualified to diagnose or offer medical advice. I do think though that maybe your lifestyle at 16 was because of something deep inside in you. The pain you are suffering now is not because of what you did but what you are. Just my thoughts.
Hi, Shawn – From some personal experience and from watching siblings, I can offer sincere empathy. You don’t need to answer directly – what do you think about finding a different practitioner and continuing the search for helpful meds?
You are not bad, just depressed. I saw people who would cut off the heads of anyone working for Americans in Iraq. They are bad. Think of people who will molest kids. They are bad. You are hurting inside, you might have used drugs that won’t let the chimicals in your brain function as well as they could. That doesn’t make you bad. One day at a time or maybe one hour at a time my friend. Shawn, depression is a feeling, depression is a medical condition, depression is a struggle and even a thorn in the side, depression is a pain in the ass, but depression is not a punishment from God.The reality is that the feeling that god is punishing you is actually one of the signs of depression. I took low dose celexa and my view changed and I never went off it. Times can be hard but I get through it, you can too. Keep working with doctors, take care of your health, and remember that you have not screwed up bad enough yet to be lost from God(s).
My view is this….God is going to be fair…or else what the heck is the point. So…as far as i can tell, Nephi, Laman and Lemuel, Paul, Alma the Younger all were given direct manifestations of the truth to help straighten them out. Some chose well, some did not….some even got to experience hell a little early to wake them up. So…unless you have had these direct experiences, then you are fine….God is going to give you the same chance in the same measure as everyone else…so don’t let your weakness get you down…and you deserve to be happy …you are that you might have joy….let go of guilt, let go of shame, don’t let anyone introduce these things into your life as they are the tools of Evil to bring good people down.
Take care man….life is good, live it.
As I read, I didn’t see bad at all. I was really impressed with how diligent you were at writing even when everything else around you was so difficult.
I was impressed with you determination to keep trying.
Quote:Wednesday, February 26, 1997
Lately I have been tired all of the time and I have felt like it is hard for me to accomplish anything.
Tiredness, classic symptom of depression. Often overlooked, because it’s not an obvious one.
I can relate to some of this stuff.
Shawn, many of us can relate to how you feel. Some have been diagnosed as depressed or know someone personally with depression. What bothers me is your statement:
Quote:When I really consider all of this, I conclude that I am just bad. I am so bad, deep inside, so I need this curse to keep from being prideful.
Feelings of depression or being diagnosed with depression does not make you a “bad person”.
You did the right thing by seeking professonal help. If they haven’t helped you, you should continue to seek help.
Maybe it is something else. Or, a combination of things. Only a good professional can help. Is there a chance that there is a support group you can join?
My experience has been that the gospel can only take us so far. If it is depression, it is probably, a life long treatment. But, I have seen very successful results. IMO, there are very few truely “bad” people. Most of us struggle to find our place in the world. I’m confident, you can find yours. Hang in.
Thanks, Ray. I do believe the Atonement covers me more than I usually consider. I sometimes just get into a funk and wear my dark glasses. Thoreau, I am actually reading Walden. I was reading just 10 minutes ago. It is very interesting, but I do think he rambles on about transcendentalism.
You are right that my lifestyle at that time was because of something deep inside. I had anxiety and self-worth issues. I considered marijuana to a marvelous panacea for a time, but all the drugs ultimately left me much worse off.
Ann, I do think I could use a good therapist for cognitive therapy. I haven’t seen one for years and it’s kind of a drag, but I will consider it.
I appreciate everyone’s comments. Like johnh said, I do need to take care of my health.Winters are worse because I don’t go mountain biking and I just hate the cold and darkness.
The reason I sometimes think that I am just bad is not that I feel God is punishing me; it is because I think this condition is something to counteract my badness to stop me from doing evil things. It is probably an incorrect analysis.
I skim the deep parts in Walden. If you like reading about nature have tried A Sand County Almanac? Shawn, your comment about your depression being worse in the winter reminded me about a recent post about S.A.D. – one form of depression – that posted while you were away. I am providing the link, and I think you ought to read it, especially since it includes some comments from people here about simple things they have tried that have helped in some way. Mike wrote:Shawn, many of us can relate to how you feel. Some have been diagnosed as depressed or know someone personally with depression.
What bothers me is your statement:
Quote:When I really consider all of this, I conclude that I am just bad. I am so bad, deep inside, so I need this curse to keep from being prideful.
Feelings of depression or being diagnosed with depression does not make you a “bad person”.
You did the right thing by seeking professonal help. If they haven’t helped you, you should continue to seek help.
Maybe it is something else. Or, a combination of things. Only a good professional can help. Is there a chance that there is a support group you can join?
My experience has been that the gospel can only take us so far. If it is depression, it is probably, a life long treatment. But, I have seen very successful results. IMO, there are very few truely “bad” people. Most of us struggle to find our place in the world. I’m confident, you can find yours. Hang in.
My two cents. The church is right on depression, up to a point. If you do make certain lifestyle choices, you will end up more depressed. Fact. However, there are certain things you might not be aware of. On the SAD thread I posted (search for it), I mentioned multivitamins had helped. That was direct practical help from this board. Some of the causes of depression are external, some internal. If you can eliminate as many of the external ones as possible, it does genuinely help. However, dealing with your environment or the people around you can be difficult.
Also, don’t hold exclusively to counseling. It is overrated, and is in my experience a temporary fix, and won’t deal with chemical issues in your body.
Prayer does help too. Sometimes it takes time, but it is worth trying intense prayer.
Shawn wrote:The reason I sometimes think that I am just bad is not that I feel God is punishing me; it is because I think this condition is something to counteract my badness to stop me from doing evil things. It is probably an incorrect analysis.
If I understand you correctly, you are clinging to shame (or depression/anxiety), so you won’t do something that would cause even more shame.I think that this is relatively common in the church, at least I’ve noticed it in myself & others.
When I was a teenager, I did some pretty stupid things – got caught up in the party scene a little too.
I ran away from home. One time, I was staying at a drug-dealer’s home. Their little daughter yelled, “The cops are here!”
We flushed it all down the toilet, & then came to see it wasn’t cops but mormon missionaries.
Everyone was relieved, except me.
All of this shame came on me, realizing the huge difference between what I had been taught & what I was doing.
I have changed so much since then, that if I ever tell any story from those days, people can’t believe it.
Most consider me like a “molly mormon.”
It may be partly because I’ve thought & gone to extremes… black/white – either all good, or all bad.
Shawn, really, we are a mix of both – good & bad.
Intellectually, I’m sure we get that – but emotionally, that’s another thing.
My sister was telling me that “the thing that imperfection hates is imperfection.”
God made us to be imperfect – by design. It’s part of a plan – so we can choose & learn.
What do you think is a better safety measure to take in ensuring we think, feel & act in ways we want in the big picture?
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