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Maybe today was just one of those days, but, I don’t know how much longer I can “pretend.” I see so many cognitive distortions clear as day.
Usually, I can justify them by telling myself how important the spirit is, no matter how the spirit of something is created.
But some cognitive distortions are harmful – & I don’t want my kids learning them, & going along with the herd in calling everyone who doesn’t go along with them, “evil apostates.”
It’s not just pretending at church, but also my marriage – it feels so fake.
Even today, a brother at church out of the blue came up to me and said, “Marriage is forever.”
I smiled, but inside I felt like he was sentencing me.
I know that sounds bad, but it’s how I feel – trapped.
I feel like a part of me is dying – I’ve felt like this for a long time.
Still, I try to be positive – but to what end?
Featherina wrote:I feel like a part of me is dying – I’ve felt like this for a long time.
Still, I try to be positive – but to what end?
Time for a break, I think.
Some days are better than others aren’t they? We all face that. I look around and see the lives of others and I realize I am better off than most, especially if you have ever visited a thrid world country, but that doesn’t make all things better does it? Any ways, that how I feel at times and I have learned that I will have those days and that’s the way it going to be. But when the really good days happen I appreciate those. Seriously, if you’re tired of treading water, get out of the pool. I don’t mean run away and join the circus though it does have it’s merits but if there’s something, anything, you can unload for awhile and just catch your breath, do it. Getting away from the church stuff is easy but marriage is going to be a hard one, especially if your spouse isn’t aware of your feelings. Oh, don’t get caught in the little child in Africa are worse off than you thing. As my estranged daughter would say, “if that’s the way you feel then that’s the way it is”. Thanks for your comments. It is encouraging to know you guys understand, & are here to offer support.
GBSmith,
It’s a cooincidence (etc.) that you mentioned the need to take a break.
I was thinking that on the way home from church yesterday.
I need a break – from everything & everyone.
But I can’t really take a break – or not for very long.
They really need me at church (short staffed & I fill a couple of roles each Sunday).
Maybe I’ll take 1/2 a weekend soon – better than nothing.
Oh, and I agree with you about feelings… they are what they are.
Of course, thoughts/interpretations can be chosen more.
It’s the idea that…If we can’t empathize with our own selves, how can we empathize with others.
Church,
I have visited a few 3rd world countries and know what you mean.
It does help to have “an attitude of gratitude” & to gracefully handle the downs as well as the ups.
Hi Featherina, I don’t have much to offer in regards to your marriage comments but I want to share something in regards to taking a break from the church. Several years ago my wife had good reason to not feel particularly welcome in our ward. She’s a TBM and in the past all her friendships had been church-based. She decided to be “technically” active and to fulfill her callings well and go to church on Sundays, but she took a break in the sense that she didn’t do any “extras” with the church. She didn’t do enrichment, lunch with church friends, etc. She decided that all her confidants and friends would be non-Mormon and it worked pretty well for her. Sort of a cultural separation from the church while still believing the doctrine.
Don’t know if that’s helpful or not for you, and it might not work depending on the calling you have. Best wishes.
Hi Featherina. I’m sorry for you it is hard right now. It sounds like you are trying to keep a stiff upper lip…and that is just getting old. I think, in both marriage and church, you endure when there is a vision and a hope of a better future. Perhaps the imperfections we experience now in those relationships can be tolerated, hoping that it is worth it in the long run as better things fill our needs.
What do you think? Is church or the gospel something that can fill your life with something? Or is it just a waste of time you are enduring until you can’t anymore?
I think the Lord wants us to have the things that make us happy. He wants us to get what we want. Aren’t your desires good ones? To have a happy marriage and enjoy your worship with others? I would say, take your concerns to the Lord. The church might not be perfect, but the Lord is. He’s not typified by the church members at all. They are all just lost, confused souls like you are. The problem with most of them is that they don’t know it yet.
I have taken my marriage concerns to the Lord and discovered that my husband, despite his shortcomings, loves me like crazy. And I love him like crazy, too. We’ve still got a lot of problems, but just knowing how much we love each other has helped me gain hope in the future. Although he thinks I’m a confused apostate, I can still tell him everything on my mind. He’s the only person in the world that I can.
I have also come to terms with my church attendance and feel okay now about not going and not attending the temple. After a great deal of prayer and pondering, the Lord helped me see that I was only going because I had been taught to in fear that I would lose my salvation. I love the people in the church, but I don’t love church. Not as a mom with five energetic kids and one on the way. When I made the decision to finally just stop going and told my husband, I felt a release. I know it was the right decision.
There’s a lot of good that the church teaches and I would never have learned the things about the Lord that I did without the church. I’m not encouraging you to stop going to church. I’m encouraging you to take your concerns to the Lord with faith that they can and will be resolved in a way that will leave you feeling peaceful. Only the Lord can help you really know the truth and only He can direct you in the way that will be best for you and for those you love.
God bless.
To whatever end is the most meaningful for you.I don’t mean to imply any degree of ease in that, but I really do believe it can be that “simple” – even as it remains complex and difficult.
Enduring and perseverance can be noble at times and bring great rewards … but only if the goal is valuable. In the church we often have a notion that not being happy = you aren’t trying hard enough, or that you just haven’t struggled long enough.
It can mean other things too though, like:
-You are working on the wrong goal, one that does not bring YOU happiness. It might be a great goal for others, just not you.
classic example: not every woman is happy being a stay-at-home mom their whole life. Some are. Some are not.
-You have the right goal for you, but you are going about it the wrong way.
Featherina wrote:Maybe today was just one of those days, but, I don’t know how much longer I can “pretend.”…I see so many cognitive distortions clear as day…But
some cognitive distortions are harmful – & I don’t want my kids learning them, & going along with the herd in calling everyone who doesn’t go along with them, “evil apostates.”…It’s not just pretending at church, but also my marriage – it feels so fake…I know that sounds bad, but it’s how I feel – trapped… I feel like a part of me is dying– I’ve felt like this for a long time…Still, I try to be positive – but to what end?Good question; I definitely understand some of the pain and frustration involved in facing these issues head on. To me the question of what is worthwhile or not and why is much more interesting and important to consider than what is true or not in every case. Who really knows for sure? Different people are going to come up with widely different answers at different times no matter how much they think about it. I think this is also one reason why a faith crisis can be so hard to deal with because it often takes away some of the simple and well-defined meaning and purpose attached to what we go through.
Many things that made sense to put up with and readily accept as our lot in life before can really start to feel like a pointless and unnecessary hassle once you honestly ask, “Why should I accept this anymore?” Also, the Church can easily switch from being one of the main things many LDS married couples have in common to a major source of resentment and conflict when one partner’s perspective suddenly changes. I’m still trying to work out some of the final details of what I want to do differently (if anything) now that the game has changed.
Quote:It’s not just pretending at church, but also my marriage – it feels so fake.
Even today, a brother at church out of the blue came up to me and said, “Marriage is forever.”
I smiled, but inside I felt like he was sentencing me.
I know that sounds bad, but it’s how I feel – trapped.
It’s not really for me to say much about your marriage, since it’s a two sided thing (three if you include the children), and it’s complex… but I certainly do think some marriages are irredeemable, or whatever.
A sister in the ward (or maybe no longer – I haven’t noticed her around for a while) told us about her marriage problems, during our temple prep class. Her husband had been playing away. Therefore, she’s not the one in the wrong. Forgive? Maybe. But that’s a difficult one. I think he has a role to play, in any reconciliation, but it looks as if they are divorcing.
Quote:Even today, a brother at church out of the blue came up to me and said, “Marriage is forever.”
My father was in a marriage for several decades. I don’t think there was much love lost after the divorce, although it’s probably more complex than what I know about it.
We have several divorced people in the ward including temple married ones.
I’m sorry I can’t offer you more on this. I’ve never been married myself. However, the one thing that has perhaps deterred me from marriage is potentially winding up the way you’re talking about.
Why are you putting the church’s needs before yours? If you need a break, take a break regardless of what the people at church need. Your primary responsibility is to you and your family. Thank you for your comments. I really appreciate your perspectives, understanding and encouragement.
Hi Roadrunner,
That’s a good idea, & I must have been psychic, because I’ve kindof followed your advice.
🙂 I appreciate a sense of community – especially for my kids… but sometimes it can be too much, so I cut back.
PiperAlpha,
I think you made a pretty accurate observation.
I do realize that nobody’s perfect, & that “everyone’s going to hurt me, it’s just a question of finding those worth suffering for.”
The idea of choosing the best, even if it means suffering a little in the process… is part of true joy, IMO.
Maybe the challenge is figuring out what is truly best for me/my family at this time, in this place, in this circumstance.
CalledToServe,
So true that we are all somewhat lost, confused souls… but most members just don’t realize it yet.
I wish I could say that my husband & I love each other like crazy, but we don’t.
I like how you can see the good of the church, as well as the bad – that it’s not “black or white.”
God bless you too!
Ray,
What end is most meaningful to me – good advice.
As you mentioned, it’s simple, but by no means easy, but can be rather complex… another paradox.
Brian,
Working on the right goal(s), that which brings us happiness… I like that.
Simple, but profound.
DevilsAdvocate,
My faith crisis has been a complete paradigm crisis!
😆 I have to laugh, or else I’ll cry.
I came to the point where I realized everything we think is so subjective & limited (illusional)… We can’t help but fool ourselves – in everything!
We might as well make our illusions work for, rather than against us.
Faith is so important… I don’t even know if it really matter so much what we have faith in, as long as it inspires & motivates us in healthy ways.
But how do you “keep the faith” while realizing it’s all illusional?
You got it right… “now that the game has changed” – what a game it is!
SamBee,
I’m sorry if I’m scaring you even more!
😆 I wonder if sometimes it is best to really change courses, to better apply one’s energy.
Life is so short (relatively speaking) – it’s temporary.
Expressing love – truly heartfelt love – seems to be one of main purposes of life.
But how best to express it, I guess is based on active faith… trial & error. Live & learn.
I’m trying to be less timid about expressing love, even if it isn’t perfect.
AngryMormon,
You’re right – I have prioritized my needs more than I used to, in my church activity.
I think what really bothers me is when I am made aware of how very conditional many of my relationships are.
It also scares me how others prioritize a stranger (prophet) over loving others – that they’d do almost anything for an imperfect human being who doesn’t share the sentiment.
Generally, my experience of my relationships are good – as long as we “don’t go there”… & sometimes “there” is all there is.
I vote for taking a break, but a different kind. My two-month hiatus from the internet was great. That’s not a shot at this forum – I really took a break from all online communities to the point where I didn’t even check Facebook regularly, which is a big deal for me. I read good books. like Life of Pi and David Copperfield. It’s refreshing to listen to simple, sublime music, like I Know that My Redeemer Lives, Abide With Me Tis Eventide, and The Lord is my Shepherd. I decided not to worry about church issues. That doesn’t mean I was being intellectually dishonest; I wasn’t winking at the issues, I was just postponing dealing with them for a while. Some issues just went away because I realized they were not a big deal and I was blowing them out of proportion, but others remain.
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