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I’ve been really struggling and attending church because I told my wife I would. I miss a lot because my work takes me out of town a lot during nine months of the year. Winter I’m home a lot. Yesterday was our ward conference. The theme was “The Family: A Proclamation to the World”. I was expecting talks against gay marriage and other hot topics but it didn’t happen. The talks by the bishop and stake president were relatively benign although still button pushing. What the talks boiled down to, at least in my mind, were hold family home evening and your kids won’t stray and limit the amount of TV and computer time. I survived,
What really set me off was our combined elders and high priests meeting. Once again the theme was The Family with the following quote the main part of the lesson:
“By divine design, fathers are to preside over their families in love and righteousness and are responsible to provide the necessities of life and protection for their families. “
It doesn’t sound bad, really OK especially for those of us that were brought up with the traditional role of the husband or father being the breadwinner. What got to me was the preside part. The instructor asked where we get the authority to preside. Someone mentioned the roles were gender specific. The answer was the priesthood. The high priest group leader started to mention families without a priesthood holder but the instructor, who is a doctor, had headed out the door to check a page so there was really no discussion. When he got back I said that I think we need to be careful when claiming our authority to preside comes from the priesthood. There are families in the Church without the priesthood and since the proclamation is to the world there are more families without the priesthood than with. The response I got was that we hold the priesthood. I was floored, felt rebuffed, and was ready to fight but I just sat there seething. No discussion, we hold the priesthood so we have the authority.
I had a time getting to sleep last night thinking about it. If priesthood is the authority to preside rather than the role in the home being the authority to preside then does the 12 year old deacon in a home with a single mon have the authority to preside over his mother? Or what about the 18 year old elder in the same situation. All I can think of right now is what arrogance and exclusionary thinking. Darn, I’m getting worked up again.
And if anyone in my ward was in attendance I have just outed myself.
Thank you for your post. We had ward conference to yesterday and I came home frustrated also. We even went to the ward temple trip on saturday and I was feeling pretty good. I have noticed that sometimes it is the small things that are said that really gets to me. I have to admit that I too spend way too much time thinking about it all and it does effect my sleep and mental health. I don’t know how to turn it off some days. I would like to take a break but my calling on the HC really doesn’t allow to much of break. I agree that at times at church comments are said and everyone just accept it without really thinking about it or discussing it and it makes me very frustrated. I also wonder if I am maybe looking for things to be frustrated with because sometimes I go to church thinking “what kind of crap am I going to hear today”. I do think part of the problem is me.
I hate it when people quote that part and conveniently don’t quote the whole paragraph. Quoting something out of context . . . it’s one of my own hot button issues. The Proclamation doesn’t say what so many members assume it says. It just doesn’t.
Thoreau, I think perhaps you and your quorum brothers were talking past one another. I think it’s entirely possible for the “role” of presiding and the “authority” to preside to be two different things. The Proclamation says that fathers have the role to preside. This role exists in all families, regardless of Church membership. In that case, you are right – the Proclamation would apply to non-Mormon families as well. In some families, though, it’s the mother that wears the pants in the family, to use a phrase. In that case, she’s the one who has the role to preside. On the other hand, the “authority” to preside may be interpreted as a priesthood role, which would be limited to priesthood holders. Perhaps your quorum mates had an “authority” construct in their minds, while you had a “role” construct, using the wording of the Proclamation.
Of course, I wasn’t there so I don’t know, but this seems like a possibility.
I’ve said this in another thread in our archives and on my own blog (and not everyone agreed with me – surprise, surprise 
Kumahito, What you said is entirely possible.
I think what really bothered me is I felt like I had been dismissed and that what I said was not valuable. I also think that the comment made by the instructor bordered on arrogance and being exclusionary, something I’ve seen a lot of over my years in the Church. Oh well, maybe I’m too thin skinned.
The Proclamation never uses the word “authority” when dealing with roles and responsibilities in the family. Not once. Again, another example of how most members don’t understand and accept the actual wording of the Proclamation.
Thanks folks. I needed to vent and this is a safe place. church0333 wrote:I would like to take a break but my calling on the HC really doesn’t allow to much of break.
I agree that at times at church comments are said and everyone just accept it without really thinking about it or discussing it and it makes me very frustrated. I also wonder if I am maybe looking for things to be frustrated with because sometimes I go to church thinking “what kind of crap am I going to hear today”. I do think part of the problem is me.
You are high council? Ouch. I have been dodging leadership for years now based on a few fundamental issues…
I also get irritated…I just keep thinking “treat them with the patience and kindness you wish they would show you”
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Quote:I also get irritated…I just keep thinking “treat them with the patience and kindness you wish they would show you”
Amen.
Fwiw, john, the High Council was one of my favorite callings – ’cause, you know, I like to talk.
😆 😳 I also had good Stake Presidents both times I served on the HC, and that makes all the difference.The High Council is a decent calling for the most part. I think I do a good job speaking and I have been pretty up front with the stake leaders, but it is really hard at times to walk that fine line. I spend many hours writing and preparing my talks because I want to be true to myself but I don’t want to rock the boat too much. I have been doing it for almost two years and I haven’t born a conventional testimony the whole time. I really don’t think anyone has really noticed. I have used many point from this site to prepare my talks and that has been great. I used one story Ray shared and it was really well received. I gave it in two wards and I had 4 request for copies. I get nervous every time I speak. I am also very outspoken in the HC meeting when it comes to issues of acceptance. The SP was talking about a person he had home taught for years that finally came back to church after many years of inactivity. He said that she was active for only a few months but it was all too much for her. He was trying to get her to go to the temple ASAP and was sad that she wasn’t active long enough to go. I spoke up and said that might have been part of the problem. People shouldn’t go before they are ready and and we should be happy that they are just coming and that we all don’t have to be the same. Our attitude that every one has to think like us to reach heaven is driving people away. The SP pulled me aside and thanked me for my point of view. I like my calling and I hate my calling, depending on the day. This talk from Oct 2005 conference by Elder Oaks makes very clear that presiding in the home is not necessarily linked to the priesthood and the the priesthood power is the governance of the church and that governance of the family is something different. I think the OP was absolutely spot on with their view in this case.
Thank you. I plan on printing that out and giving it to the instructor. The Relief Society Presidency had asked the RS to memorize the proclamation over the coming year. Sounds like someone with a good memory for detail and wording forgetting that not all people have good memories for detail and wording.
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