I’m not sure what to do

I just registered today so I’m new at this. But I know exactly what living with someone with bipolar disorder is so I felt I needed to respond. My father has schizo-effective disorder (bipolar + schizophrenia) and it was a challenge my whole life growing up. He’s more or less stable now, but growing up I had 2 dads. The nice caring best friend, and the yelling, swearing, abusive man that I was so scared of. As I got older I learned to enjoy the time with good dad and hide from bad dad.

But my story isn’t really about me, its my mom. Through all of this, my mom remained dedicated. It was many hard years to get to this point. The promising young man she married changed into something else entirely. Her life would never be what she thought it would be. But the the older I get, the more I see my mom as such a great example. She never gave up on my dad. She learned to enjoy the times he was stable and survive the times he wasn’t. But a big part was my dad’s willingness to seek help. Through my mom’s dedication and my dad’s therapy he’s now stable. The bad dad of my childhood doesn’t exist. But neither really does the good dad… He’s grown into a new person and really is my best friend next to my wife. I’m grateful my mom was strong. She went back to school and was a great example of a diligent student. She became the breadwinner and became an example of hard work.

What does this have to do with God? I don’t know. I know my mom was strengthened by her belief that he won’t be like that after this life. I know she has had to accept a different life than she thought but that her new life has become just as fulfilling as the other one. It has allowed her to experience life as an stay at home mom and as the breadwinner with a stay at home husband. Her work has fulfilled her in new ways. So through dealing with my father’s illness she has grown. I’m sure she has complained to god many times. But she never just gave up.

I don’t want to give advice because I really can’t. But that’s my story. I hope something in it is useful. If nothing else. You aren’t alone. There are lots of families dealing with mental illness. Im the product of one and I like to think I turned out ok. Each one’s a little different.

I guess something I’ve learned is to worry about what you can change, not what you can’t. I’ll just leave it at that. Hope you can find some peace!

Doubtingthomas,

First question, did you marry my exwife? Next question, does your son have a twin brother that you don’t know about that lives in Oregon? I have been down the same road to some degree. It got to the point where I wondered if life was worth living. That was 16 years ago and things got really bad. I remember the exact moment I decided that I wasn’t going to let others decide my happiness. I said enough and started setting some tough boundaries. I also got some professional help. It didn’t change overnight but it did change. I couldn’t stay married but I could be happy. Not sure how things will go with you but don’t let others tell you your worth. I really didn’t know what to say but i did want you to know that orhers have passed through this and that some one cares Good luck and keep us updated.

Great thoughts from Roy and wuwei. There was a time I agreed with angrymormon, but no longer. My wife suffers from PTSD and has “anger issues.” It is not volitional; she does not choose to get mad and she can’t choose not to. That’s not how emotions work. For my part, I suffer from anxiety. When I become anxious it can be a burden to those around me, but again, it’s not something I choose. But both my wife and I have gotten therapeutic help. It has saved our marriage and transformed our relationship. We continue to learn and improve in handling our own and each others dysfunction.

We all know there are no simple answers. I personally think I’m not cut out for marriage. Mormons believe everyone is, of course, though the fact that fully half of US adults are divorced or have never married might suggest otherwise. I think I’m one of the single 50% who happens to be married anyway. I only discovered that fact after 15 years of unhappy marriage. But right now, at least, we’re doing ok. My wife and I turned it around because we have both gotten professional help. I think every scrogged relationship needs mediation if it has any shot at surviving. Even therapists go to therapists when their marriages tank. So I hope you guys are getting help. But whether you are or not, brother, I really, truly feel your pain.

Thank you, everyone, for your replies, support, comments, and perspectives. It really has helped. I have no intention on giving up, at least not now. There are just a lot of things that need resolved. Other issues, I didn’t mention, and probably won’t unless need arises. It is just very hard, and though I should always turn to the Lord first, it is nice to know that I have another place to turn if need be. Thanks again.

thomas, do you have any close friends at work, in church, or near home? This site is a good place to get virtual support, but nothing can match the power of having a friend, buddy, confidante, co-conspirator, or what have you.

Peace out

Unfortunately, no.

And so it happened again last night. Repeatedly being told that I’m a loser and will always be a loser. Being told that I’m unmotivated, gay (whatever that means), lazy, and extremely stupid. Told that she doesn’t love me and hates her life with me. Went on to say that I’d never see my grandmother alive again because I’ll never be successful in anything and would not be able to afford to attend her funeral. Even went as far as to bring up my sexual performance (which judging by her reactions during it, doesn’t seem to be the worst thing in the world for her).

I hate it. I don’t like to think about what the breaking point is. But I’m afraid we’re approaching rapidly.

All I can do is offer my sympathy and support.

These are times when you have to be an agent unto yourself – meaning you have to make the best decision you can make, whatever that is.