A lifelong struggle…

Hello everyone,

I found this community while doing some research last week, and am so thankful to have found a group of people who treat those of us who continaully seek truth with love and compassion. I’ll give you a bit of my background, and then hopefully become a contributing member of the group.

I was born in the church and from the start never really felt like I fit in very well. Even as a primary child I would ask questions that seemed to intimidate my teachers, and not recieve very satisfying answers. As I got to my teenage years, I became more aggressive with my questioning, and still couldn’t get the answers I was seeking. It got to the point where I decided church wasn’t for me, and so through most of my teenage years I didn’t attend church, although I was happy to still be a part of the church basketball team. 😆 Although I still lived most of the standards during my time away, I did allow myself to engage in some behaviors that the church wouldn’t approve of.

When I went to college (not BYU), I got involved in a very serious relationship with a wonderful woman (not a member), and after a couple years we began talking about marriage. One night, I had the impression that if I was serious about marrying this woman, I needed to find out for myself whether or not “the church was true” (I’m not a big fan of that wording, but that’s how I felt at the time). I began reading the BoM and praying about it. As I read, I became convinced that it had much truth and a real power, and one night as I was praying I had one of those conversion moments where my mind and my heart aligned, and I knew that God wanted me to go back to church, and, disconcertingly, to go on a mission.

At first, I thought this would be the end of my relationship, but surprisingly, the girl I was dating supported my decision and even expressed an interest in investigating the church! After meeting with my bishop and cleaning up some things that needed to be taken care of, I headed out on a mission to Seoul, South Korea. It was a disaster. Turns out I have bipolar disorder. While at the MTC I was on fire… a real animal. It was a manic episode. When I got into the field, I crashed. I just wasn’t ready, spiritually or emotionally, to take on that type of experience. It got to the point where one night I stood in the kitchen of our apartment with a knife to my wrist, thinking it was best if I just put an end to the pain. Instead I decided to go home. My mission president said he prayed about it and felt that I should stay, but I respectfully disagreed and headed back to the States.

When I returned, the girl I had been seeing informed me that she wanted to be baptized, but that her parents would disown her and that she wasn’t ready to sacrifice her family for the church. I told her that was fine, but the experience had really shaken her. She felt like marriage was out of the question, that her parents would probably disown her if she married a Mormon, and that it was best if we ended the relationship. I fought it, but in the end, we split up.

At the same time, I was still deeply depressed. Suicidally depressed. Eventually my family couldn’t handle it anymore, and had me committed (probably the best thing that could have happened to me). I got diagnosed with bipolar disorder and suddenly my life seemed to make much more sense.

Let’s just fast forward so this doesn’t become cumbersome. I’ve floated in and out of the church, and never felt like a “strong member” due to my doubting heart and inability to feel the Spirit (I once read an article from a GA that said that in his experience the two groups who struggled the most with feeling the Spirit were abuse victims and individuals with mental illness). During one of those times that I was in the church, I met the love of my life and married her (in the temple). Since I married her, I’ve made a real effort to become a TBM. Unfortunately, it just doesn’t work for me. I have too many questions, too many doubts, and not enough faith to just say, “Oh well, I’m all in.” When I first shared my doubts and concerns with my wife, she freaked… but as she’s seen that I don’t necessarily want to leave the church even with my issues, it’s become easier and easier to talk about things without it causing much friction in our marriage.

Problem is, I’ve been having a real hard time lately. I got called as Elder’s Quorum President about a year ago, and one thing I’ve learned is that Church leadership doesn’t fit me very well. I’ve seen a lot of things that have really shaken my faith, and while I want to believe the church is led by inspiration, I feel more like I’m a middle manager in a huge corporation. More and more I’ve just felt that while I enjoy the fellowship of the Saints, I don’t know how I feel about THE CHURCH as an entity.

I’m not looking to get out, but I am looking for a place where I can talk about my doubts and fears without fear of reprisal or judgement. That’s why I’m here.

Thanks for creating a safe place, and I look forward to getting to know each of you better over the coming months and years….