Grateful to have found this site

Hello,

I’ve been reading the posts on this site for about 4 months now. I am so grateful that a site like this exists; for so many years I thought I was all alone in my faith crisis.

When I was 17 years old, I went to visit my ex-Mormon father for a week over the summer. One night, he started asking about my plans to go on a mission. Although I had no firm testimony of anything at the time, I told him I was going on a mission; that’s what I wanted to do, and that’s what was expected of me. He said before I made a final decision, I should completely analyze Joseph Smith and the church’s history. I had no clue what he was talking about. He proceeded to tell me the most terrible things about Joseph Smith, the Book of Mormon, the Book of Abraham, and several problematic issues from church history. I became sick to my stomach. I went to bed that night crying myself to sleep. When I got home, I didn’t know who to talk to. I didn’t dare tell my mom or step-dad; I didn’t want to hurt their testimonies.

After a few days, I decided I would search the Internet to debunk the claims my dad had made. Instead of finding rebuttals or explanations, I found confirmation that these claims were true. And most of these things were verifiable through actual church publications, like Journal of Discourses, History of the Church, and Deseret News archives. I was horrified. Each Sunday afterwards I would look at everyone in the congregation thinking: ‘if only you knew what I know’. I decided I was going to work through this. Over the next year I purchased several books from Deseret Book, such as “Answers To Gospel Questions” by Joseph Fielding Smith, and a FARMS book on the authenticity of the Book Of Mormon. Although many of FARMS’ explanations for the BofM’s rapid population growth, similarities to other 18th & 19th Century writings, anachronisms, and other problems in the BofM were not entirely convincing, I was at least satisfied that experts and scholars were addressing these problems, and so my anxiety gradually tapered off.

By the time I was ready to go on my mission, I received an undeniable personal confirmation that the Book of Mormon was true. I made sure to write this experience down in my journal, so that I could never deny this happened to me. I went on my mission, and felt like I was a stronger missionary because of the experiences I had. Where I saw hesitation from most of my companions, I was able to tell investigators that I KNEW this church was true. Because I had received such an amazing personal witness, I expected nothing less for anyone else who sincerely wanted to know the truth about the BofM. I promised dozens of investigators that if they sincerely prayed to their Heavenly Father, they would receive an answer just like I had. Most of my companions would tell the investigators that if they just felt good about what they were reading, that was their answer. I was not okay with this. We were going to ask these people to give 10% of their income and 20+ hours a month of their time and efforts to this church; they shouldn’t have to settle for just a peaceful feeling. They needed to know with every fiber of their being. I was fully convinced that every one of God’s children would get the most convincing answer possible-the manifestation of the spirit. Over the two years, I was quite disappointed that such a low percentage of those I taught ever received this feeling.

After my mission, I got married to an amazing person, and we’ve had the most wonderful children. Starting in about 2007, I started to get these uneasy feelings as I would read the BofM or D&C. I started to wonder why Jesus was so angry with the world (D&C Chapter 1). I wondered why Joseph would get revelations at the most convenient times for himself. I wondered why Jesus, through Joseph, would give such specific instructions to such specific people for such bizarre purposes. I would almost have anxiety attacks in gospel doctrine when we’d learn about Captain Moroni slaughtering people who disagreed with him (in the name of liberty), or how the world is so wicked, or just about anything we’d learn from the book of Ether. I’d look around the room thinking, is everyone really okay with this?

I decided to go back to taking an honest objective approach to church history. I read all the critics’ arguments and followed up with FAIR’s rebuttals. At one time I had considered myself a well-informed apologist; now I was starting to recognize major flaws in apologists’ reasoning. In fact, it was ultimately FAIR that helped me conclude that the church’s historical problems cannot be explained away. For me, there were 30+ significant issues that finally caused my shelf to come crashing down.

I am now well into my 30’s. Throughout this experience I feel like my relationship with my Heavenly Father has actually gotten better. I have poured out my soul to him, because he’s the only one I’ve been able to turn to. By combining prayer and faith with reason and intellect, I have received subsequent personal manifestations that have been just as undeniable as my Book of Mormon experience. If I were to share these spiritual experiences with a TBM, he or she would most likely tell me that Satan is deceiving me.

So either the church’s promise of the manifestation of the Holy Ghost has backfired on itself in my case, or there is a more general way to interpret/reconcile each of these spiritual experiences, or Satan really has deceived me. But how can Satan have a hold of me if I have never felt closer to my Heavenly Father?