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Hi All, Wanted some feedback and advice. The last year I’ve had a fairly un-demanding calling. It has meant I’ve not had a lot to do, but was also relief when I was in the deep throws of my ‘discovery phase’ of faith crisis when everything made me angry.
I have a demanding job, Mon-Fri I’m rarely home before about 8 or 9pm (often midnight), we live abroad and my wife is not active. She tolerates me taking the kids to church on a Sunday, but would probably prefer I didn’t.
My bishop spoke to me today and said that he wanted to find out how my work/family situation might impact on a calling he had in mind – Young Men’s President. He stressed that he wasn’t extending the call, only finding out how I might feel about such a call as he wanted to extend it, but wanted to sound me out first. I was quite impressed that he sought my opinion and showed an appreciation of the challenges of my situation. He’s unaware of my faith struggles. In fact he said that one of the reasons he hoped I would consider it is because of the strength of my testimony and my example to others. He also said he had no concerns about my worthiness. It shook me up a little. Do I put on such a good front?
Anyway… my concern is that I wouldn’t be able to lead the young men with the passion I might have a few years ago. I served as YM president several years ago and loved it. Probably the most fun calling I’ve had. In some ways I’d love to have a demanding calling that dragged me back into full emotional/spiritual engagement with the church. But I worry it would end up with negative implications: the impact on my family (I think my wife would take a ‘dim view’ if I suddenly was able to get home by 6:30 one night/week to go out to YM activity! It could sow seeds of resentment), the impact on the YM if I finally drop out (I don’t want to set myself up as a leader who then hurts their testimony), my ability to take an orthodox line in all things – which I feel I would owe to the YM, their parents and the other leaders.
At the moment I’m not even sure how much of the foundational events I believe. While I embrace the fruits of Mormonism, I still don’t have full confidence in the roots. The story of the priesthood restoration sounds like a good story… but possibly also a ‘tall story’ and I’m unsure whether I can bare a strong testimony of the key events that they need to be taught about as Aaronic priesthood holders. On the other hand. I miss having a busy and active calling. Until last year I’d been in a ‘PEC calling’ for about 15 years straight. It’s part of the church I know I thrive on and enjoy.
So… any suggestions or thoughts? And don’t worry, say whatever you like. This is the ‘studying it out in my mind’ part. I won’t hold any of you accountable.
somewhere around 2008, I accepted a calling as Ward Mission Leader, while losing complete faith in the moral authority of the church as a result of prop 8. I had already concluded, years before, that the literal claims of the church lacked authenticity, so my FC regarding historical truth was over. I found that serving the missionaries and ward leadership was valuable, and i did the best I could. As i taught gospel essentials, I could speak accurately to people struggling with the big questions, without covering up the truth. i found a way to make it work, and we had a lot of success, bringing active, committed, and informed new members into the church. it was a very spiritual experience, despite my disaffection. but at the same time, my perception of the church’s lack of moral authority gnawed deeply at my soul. it was very hard.
as luck would have it, in early 2010, i took a work assignment putting me on the road most sundays, spending he next 20 months “commuting” to india, and thereafter, commuting to other places. i had to be released, and i asked not to be called to anything else. i maybe got to church once a month. i needed that, but it was hard on family, and it did not ultimately bring me happiness. I love serving, and serving uplifts. Coincidentally, my latest blog entry explores my synthesis of
how i make the church true for meis there an easy answer? no. but i can say this: the youth in your ward need authentic leadership. You have demonstrated in your posts here a level of integrity and faithfulness that goes beyond the typical. While being a Youth Leader, with the express obligation to teach within the bounds of the official doctrine of the church, you may find great challenges maintaining integrity as you grapple with the absurdities of some things taught. But in that tension, you will find answers that will not only satisfy you, but also, lift and enlighten the young men who need authentic role models.
all i can say is to have a genuine conversation with
the god withinHI Mackay11, As a read your post, I feel like I can relate to a good degree. My faith crisis has been building gradually over the last few years, but it really reached critical mass late last summer. I wondered if I should continue my service in a fairly visible calling, including one in which I’d oversee to a large extent all the young men and young women activities in my ward. I wondered if it’s “honest” for me to hold the calling.
In the end I decided that having a sincere, truthful leader (who didn’t proselytize his own doubts) could ultimately be of value with the youth. There are a lot of hardcore fire and brimstone types and surely I would be better than them. I thought of my own bishop who rarely talks about doctrine and simply teaches living a good, family centered life and thought that I can walk that path.
What the youth need is love and understanding, not scholars. If they ask a difficult doctrinal or historical type of question I’d rather have someone like you answer them with an “it’s complicated see me afterwards” or an “I don’t understand it either” or even “I struggle with that myself” than an answer like “the earth is 6000 years old.”
Now, the question about your wife is more difficult and I’m not sure I can answer that well. She may very well question you on multiple levels based on what you’ve shared. I will say that family harmony is probably more important then anything else. On the other hand, if you have kids soon to be in young men or young women, your wife may appreciate having a reasonable leader with your kids. If you ultimately get the calling and decide you can’t accept it, maybe you can be a priests quorum advisor who only teaches on Sundays or who comes a couple of times a month on Wednesday nights instead of every Wednesday night.
Keep us posted.
There is no reason you can’t serve in any calling because of your internal struggles, remembering that if they call you they get YOU. If they don’t like YOU once you start serving, they can release you. If you don’t internalize it, you will be fine. The effect on your family is another issue that I can’t answer for you – except to say that you can be open about your concerns and express directly that you won’t be able to put the same amount of time into it as others can and will need to delegate more than they might want. If they accept that, hold to it and show your wife that you are sincere about prioritizing family first.
Again, if they call you and you accept, they get YOU – not a caricature. If you say no, don’t feel guilty; your Bishop asked, so he’s trying to do the right thing and should understand if you come back and say you can’t do it.
mackay11 wrote:I served as YM president several years ago and loved it. Probably the most fun calling I’ve had.
There are
very fewpeople who can say this! Sounds like you are temperamentally suited to serving YM, and maybe that’s half the battle. I hope it works out well for your family. Your bishop might be willing to give you a wide berth. If you end up with the calling, I hope you can still squeeze out time to tell us how you navigate. There are some callings I couldn’t do right now. I just wouldn’t be equipped. That’s why I like hearing about Ray’s Sunday School class, etc.
Thanks for the feedback. I guess my worry is that they don’t know the ‘me’ they’re getting. I suppose I do often point out the ‘alternative’ perspective in SS/p’hood, so maybe I am what they are looking for.
The question of church/family balance is probably one for personal consideration. I don’t want to drive a wedge between us. I guess there’s an ‘uneasy truce’ on church matters. DW occasionally lets off a bit of steam about it, but doesn’t give me too hard a time about taking the kids there for most of Sunday.
I think if we weren’t living where we are, with my crazy work schedule it might be different.
But… As my stake president once said to me “Any man can serve as branch president instead of you. Only you can be your family’s husband/father.”
mackay11 wrote:I have a demanding job, Mon-Fri I’m rarely home before about 8 or 9pm (often midnight), we live abroad and my wife is not active. She tolerates me taking the kids to church on a Sunday, but would probably prefer I didn’t..
First and foremost, I give you a great deal of credit and respect for working such long hours to support your family. That is the sign of a man in my book!
What I don’t understand is why you want a time consuming calling in the first place due to the fact that you are busy working so much? Wouldn’t you rather spend time with your family?
I’m just thinking that since your wife might have a “dim” view and you are probably not spending time with her at Church on Sunday, throwing in another activity that could occupy Saturday might not be a good idea. Sorry, just my two cents. Good luck to you regardless of what you decide.
The youth don’t need certainty. They can sniff that out and dismiss it better than the adults can. They need people who are fun, caring, and who listen well. We also live abroad and travel a lot. All our ward members do. So the people in these callings just do the best they can, relying on each other when they are out of town. I am on the HC and for the last year it has been getting harder for me to do my calling. The more I learn the more I doubt and the less I sleep before I have to give my talks. My stake leaders know that I’m struggling and I have said I won’t say things I don’t believe and that my agenda is to help the 1 lost sheep and forget the 99. In my last talk I even said that I don’t know much but I believe some things and hope for others and that is the best I can do for now. Some of the leaders heard my talk and I was told it was a really good talk and that the leaders didn’t have a problem with that. I guess for now I will just continue to do my thing. Talk to your wife and see how she feels kind of like your bishop did with you. I just got a notice that the SP wants to meet with me this week so maybe they do have a problem with me. Maybe he just wants to talk. It is what it is and I am who I am and if that’s not they want then I guess I can get a little more sleep. I will still go after the hurting and those that struggle but maybe from a different angle. Like Ray said, take me how I am or release me. I can respect either choice. Ann, thanks for the feedback. I’m not sure about being a great man for working too many hours, but thanks anyway. I’m not sure I do want a time-consuming calling. I’m aware it could have implications for my relationships. If I make the effort to get home on time one day/week and then go out to spend time with church people, I’d imagine that would hurt my wife. And my wife and children are my first priority. I’d only want to do the calling if I could do it without hurting them. As for why I’d want a busy calling while unsure of my testimony…? Good question. Hoping for a cure? Maybe that’s the wrong motivation. Hawkgrrl, I think you’re right, in these transitory ex-pat wards people do the best they can and get on with it.
Church0333, appreciate your integrity. I am starting to be that way with my kids and sometimes a little in Sunday School. But I don’t want to hurt anyone’s testimony. Youth are so insightful. I’m sure they’d know if I was trying to ‘fake it to make it.’ And I think they need someone who has a stronger and simpler faith than mine.
I can’t make the call for you, and family absolutely is your top priority – especially if your wife is sensitive to your time away right now. If you don’t accept it for that reason, it is completely legitimate. I only want to address the following: Quote:I think they need someone who has a stronger and simpler faith than mine.
I disagree. They are teenagers, and teenagers need to know that their own concerns and questions and disagreements are valid. If you were talking about being a primary teacher, I might agree with you – but these are young adults in every culture throughout history except ours. I believe we treat them too much like children and not enough like young adults, and it’s not hard to emphasize faith and personal conscience over certitude.
I’m not saying they need you right now. I’m not saying that at all. I just don’t think it’s obvious that they don’t need you, especially since I think your “faith” is as strong as anyone else. It’s not weak; it’s just different.
I have found that many of the youth are forced to go to church. As a parent I can understand why they are, because they are part of the family and that is what the family does. I think it is wonderful for the youth to feel that once they are at church that they are free to believe or not and express their feelings. You could help them to do that. An open minded leader is a better listener and sometimes that is what they really need. I don’t like dealing with people who “know” everything and dismiss my ideas and thoughts. If the youth think that can only be part of the church if they don’t question, then we will keep bleeding to death. Our SP told use yesterday that only 37% of our stake is active. In my neck of the woods, being in a YM presidency means that there are all kinds of stake and ward leaders pressuring you heavily to get those young men to go on missions. It’s a lot of pressure if you aren’t enthusiastic, and would rather teach the YM other useful skills.
My opinion is that just on the family front this is a no-go, you don’t want to give your wife more ‘ammo’ to resent the church and your participation in it. If it was you alone, it would be a good calling, a chance to help influence the youth in a positive ‘non-religous-nutjob’ type way.
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