I Want a Career! Not 10,000 Kids!

I was married at 19. I knew I wanted children, but was in no hurry. I was raised In a family where a college education was a given. My husband and I continued with school and developing our relationship with each other. I prayed for guidance in choosing a career path and truly felt that I was guided on a path that would be good for me and my family. I had my first child in my mid 20s three weeks after starting graduate school. I balanced school with motherhood and marriage. My husband was balancing those same things. It was hard, but fulfilling and I loved that time in school. I had a second child a few years later. In my chosen carer, I have had the blessing of working full-time or part-time depending on how I wanted to parent. I have tried to be home when my children are home from school. My mother did that for me and I have always been grateful. But my choices have been mine. I have not made career and family choices based on what the church purportedly teaches. And the church does teach that the education of women is very important.

Speaking to the young women, Pres. Hinkley said, “Resolve now, while you are young, that you will get all of the education you can. We live in a highly competitive age, and it will only grow worse. Education is the key that will unlock the door of opportunity. You may plan on marriage, and hope for it, but you are not certain that it will come. And even though you marry, education will be of great benefit to you. Don’t just drift along, letting the days come and go without improvement in your lives. The Lord will bless you as you make the effort. Your lives will be enriched and your outlook broadened as your minds are opened to new vistas and knowledge.

–President Gordon B. Hinckley, “Let Virtue Garnish Thy Thoughts Unceasingly,” General Young Women Meeting March 24, 2007.

My children are almost grown and I have 25 years of career ahead of me. I have friends who chose to focus on motherhood, but are now pursuing their career dreams with the many years they still have. I feel each person should choose their own path in their own time and in their own way. There is no hurry to do any of these things.

I have found that having children has been, for me, so much more than I could have imagined. Those babies grow up to be real people who are fun and talented and awesome and I am so blessed to know them. I am privileged to be their friend.

But your path is yours and only you can decide what will be best for you and there is no need or hurry to decide on your life’s path today. If you end up following a different path other than the traditional LDS path, you will need to grow a thick skin. I personally have not experienced criticism for working outside the home, but I know that judgment does happen and it is important that you feel happy and confident in your own decisions, which will help you to be immune to the expectations of others.

Martha makes a great point – it’s YOUR life, and you have to own your own choices. It’s never a good idea to do what you are told by others or out of some sense of duty. You must prayerfully and thoughtfully make your own choices and then own them.

When Pres. Benson made statements against women working outside the home, it was just completely wrong for me. It was as if I heard a voice inside of me saying, “That may be all right for some, but it’s not my path.” And it wasn’t. I have had a 20+ year business career in leadership as an executive (and counting), and I also have 3 great kids. Before we got married I had told my fiance I didn’t want to have kids, and I probably never would. I did change my mind, and our oldest was born when I was 27 (I was 23 when we married). But even then because I had never been around kids before and I felt I didn’t have the patience or skill, I made it clear I could not be the primary caregiver and that such an expectation was not going to work for me. Fortunately, my husband and I have a very equal partnership, and he was an oldest child with lots of experience with kids. We’ve found a good style as a couple.

In short I want to graduate college with either a double major or a masters degree and go on to have a career that I love and am passionate about.

I applaud you for knowing what you want! So many women in the church only discover in their 40s that they literally have nothing to fall back on now that their kids are starting to leave home. Nobody will hire them to do anything but entry level work, and many of them did not follow the church’s counsel to finish their education because instead they started having kids immediately. That advice is contradictory.

My YW leader is extremely over-bearing, out-spoken and conservative (honestly I cant stand her but thats a story for another day). She launched into a rant on how a woman’s job is to have children and it is highly discouraged by the church for a woman with children to have a career, and it is highly discouraged for a woman to not have children. She then proceeded to have me read a quote by an apostle (fully aware of my reluctance to have children!) which said something along the lines of a couple refusing to have children is one of the most selfish acts that can be preformed in the eyes of God. Then both of my YW’s leaders proceeded to make an example of me and discuss how having children was nothing short of mandatory.

Wow. Where to start? First of all, feel free to ignore 99% of what this woman says from now on. People who behave like this generally resent the choices they’ve made in life and now want some company for their misery. This should be obvious now that I’ve pointed it out, but it takes a little more life experience to see these things some times. I would add to this that she’s on a shrinking iceberg in this opinion. The church is softening its stance on this – I have been blogging for over 5 years, and there is a lot of progress. There’s still a long way to go, but the women who bought into the patriarchy hook, line, and sinker, are interestingly the people in the church who have the most to lose from change. After all, they made this huge sacrifice that is no longer “required.” Their views are becoming antiquated. And their entire self-worth is based on an evaporating myth. Let me also take a moment to point out the straw man argument of the couple that refuses to have children. The church does not prohibit the use of birth control (it used to, BTW), so exactly how does a couple “refuse” to have children? Who is asking them to have them? These are decisions made within a marriage. Your YW president gets to make the decisions in her own marriage and in life, but NOT IN YOURS. You are an individual! You make your own choices! It’s none of her business!

other young women started in on me as well criticizing me for not wanting children and wanting to pursue a career

When we are in the business of policing other people’s hopes and dreams, we are in the wrong!

But I still struggle to understand the, what appears to me as, sexism, in the church.

It appears to be sexism because it IS sexism. Sexism is limiting people based on their sex. The dictionary says: prejudice or discrimination based on sex; behavior, conditions, or attitudes that foster stereotypes of social roles based on sex.

I hate how the church clearly defines the roles of women & men, and I feel very degraded and unimportant. Dont get me wrong, motherhood is highly praised in the church, but if my priority is to pop out one baby after another, I’m sorry but I’d rather be a man!!

Tell you what. If you ever find a man willing to do what they are asking a woman to do, I’ll give you a hundred dollars. Motherhood being praised is deceptive. This is something called Romantic Paternalism, when a man restricts a woman’s choices by telling her how great she is. She’s too special, precious, important to be out in the world. He needs to protect her. Putting a woman on a pedestal is one way to shackle her. Also, bear in mind how many times you hear that men need the priesthood whereas women don’t because they are inherently more spiritual. Nice try, but it’s Romantic Paternalism again.

my leaders then proceeded to explain how it’s not a woman’s “place” to have a career, but it is the man’s job. And the woman’s job is to have children and stay home.

What if the man loses his job? What if he cheats on you and leaves you? What if he is critically injured or killed? Try taking this empty promise to the bank. And besides that, this is essentially an economic model for marriage which is very outdated today. Most people have what it called a Hedonic marriage – marrying for love and companionship. In the old economic model, 1/2 + 1/2 = 1. But I don’t believe that people are a half of a whole. People should be whole people in their own right, not requiring marriage to “complete” them. In the economic model, the couple is financially successful because the wife runs all the domestic aspects of life supporting and cheering on the husband as he meets the financial obligations. But heaven help the couple that divorces or loses one of the two spouses because the whole thing collapses.

You can tell I have some pretty strong opinions about this. IMO, it is absolutely reckless for a leader to advise YW against actions that enable their independence. For leaders to bully you into submission on this issue is beyond the pale.

But – and I should follow my own advice on this one – don’t get mad. Ignore stupidity, and it will be much easier for you throughout life, both in the church, in college, and in your career. Probably in your marriage too. 😮

In fact, the thought of being pregnant is mentally & physically repulsive & terrifying to me. At this point in my life I dont have any desire whatsoever to have children later in life. Although I realize that my opinions may change later on in life, they are what they are at this moment in time.

You’ll probably feel differently when you’re older so leave your options open. As for your leader, it’s NONE OF HER BUSINESS but you may have to put up with her nonsense for a while. Welcome to the “grin and bear it” club. Many of us are lifetime members.

It’s no ones business at church how many kids you do or don’t have! To avoid this problem in the future, I wouldn’t discuss your private business with judgmental un-Christlike people in the first place.

I am going to second Martha and Hawkgrrls responses and add one more story for your consideration. I was a very obedient youth and young adult. My parents taught me to be obedient to the spirit most of all.

When I was 23 and married Pres. Benson gave his talk that Hawkgrrl mentioned. I remember sitting in the chapel looking at all my contemporaries in their various forms of pregnancy and newborns. As I listened I kept making a mental list of how far off the radar my life was from the Prophet’s suggestions. I worked for Fortune 500 company. I wore great clothes. I drove a car that had never been test-driven. I was miles away. At the same time I had always wanted kids. My mom was a great mom and I wanted to try to be like her. While I sat there I began to pray – it was a mixed apology, confusion, explanation prayer. Mid way through a calm voice came to me, “Don’t worry. I know your plan.” Immediately all the anxiety, and comparison just whooshed away. I know it sounds weird, but I felt it. I obeyed that experience. It really helped when friends and family (extended family and Mother in Laws) kept pressing the issue. There was nothing to fight. Three or so years later our first child was born. I’ve never regretted the choice and carry the memory of the prompting close to my heart.

I add my agreement to everyone else’s – this is your life, your road – and it is between you and God how you walk it. You’re very okay.

It’s no ones business at church how many kids you do or don’t have!

Agreed – and, interestingly, that is the Church’s official position – exactly.

One word of caution:

We need to be VERY careful of labeling someone un-Christian based on disagreements over opinions, beliefs and even, in some cases, actions. Every one of us is un-Christian by that definition – no exceptions.

Sorry!

And I’m a man who would gladly stay home and cook, clean, and take care of kids. It works both ways.

I’ve always been that way… When I would cook/clean as kid my dad would tell me I was going to make a good wife someday.

I enjoy them because it’s time with me and my thoughts. And I like making others happy.

So there’s men on the other side of these prescribed roles that are frustrated too. I have always wanted kids (my first is here in may!) But the idea of working crazy hours and not seeing them kills me inside. That’s how my dad was when I was little and I hated it.I rarely saw him and when I did he was always mad. Probably what turned me off of trying to be a businessman.

I’ve found many that get upset when we buck a tradition are those who’ve bought in the hardest, regret it, and are jealous you have the spine to exercise your agency unlike they did.

Just my $0.02…