New here

Just introducing myself here. I have lurked for a few months but not posted or even registered until today. I was born in the church and basically always struggled with activity. I just had a hard time at church. This is not so bad except that because of a belief in God as well as some experiences in life where I witnessed things I could not explain outside of the notion of God, I lived a life long heavy burden that I was not living up to his expectations because of my difficulty of attending church, not to mention many other (what I deem now as unrealistic) standards that few can live up to….I was failing god. For well over 40 years, I continued to fail god and lived a life of heavy burdens, shame, guilt, some repentance, then failing god again, then back through the vicious circle that seems to hold people to mental and emotional bondage. This is not my story exclusively, but most LDS members (and other very strict religions) where fear/shame/guilt based tyranny is unfortunately heaved onto the innocent and unsuspecting.

My personal faith based crisis is easy, the loss of my faith and belief in the Old Testament (you know, the story of Adam/Eave/Garden of Eden, Tower of Babel as the supposed place where diverse language was born, the story of a great flood covering the planet, not much more than 5000 years ago, etc)….those are myths in my mind and in my heart, so when those fell, the rest toppled right along with it, as the Book of Mormon stems from a mythical Bible, hence is also not true…..but this is my opinion. I still hang onto a faith in a loving God who likely inspired religion, even ours, as an ultimate test to see what is in our hearts. (again, my personal stance on what is now forming in my heart, but it is just my take on the unexplainable) If there was a Man Jesus Christ (and I believe there was), I love everything about him, though I wonder just how much of it is true. In my heart, I choose to maintain some faith in his example and potential love. I oddly believe in prayer and even blessings, yes even priesthood blessings which we have asked for once in a while from family members we respect and love. I wonder if it has more to do with positive energy, faith and self healing than anything else, but again this is my opinion. The Temple is dead in my mind and I have not returned since my marriage which was the first time I went after my Mission (yup, went and loved it, even with my lack of total belief in what I was teaching, I just summed it up in my mind I was doing something bigger than me and my personal faith…..no regrets there)…but the temple is a sham in my mind as is work for the dead.

So with all that, why do I stay? Who knows. Remember the episode of MASH with the cave they flee to where Hawkeye cannot enter the cave for his fears? I have stood for over 40 years, much of my life is me staring into the cave which is the Mormon church. My loved ones are in there and I am reminded constantly that what is inside is all the answers and consequent joy and I start in off and on, here and there, sample it, temple marriage, mission, some church callings, etc, but it is short lived and leaves a highly nasty taste in my mouth, and out I flee, only to turn around and stare back in. Guilt, fear drives me back inside and again, out I blast, like a scared rabbit. This pretty much sums up my religious life. Then with my faith ultimately crumbled, I really considered walking away from the cave once and for all, rather than look back at my life and see me standing there, looking into a hole in a hillside, wondering why I cannot go in, though I am persuaded so much to do so.

I wanted out, but that didn’t sit with me either because I love so many people who are in the cave. My Wife is like me, my 14 yr old son too. My 16 yr old daughter freely goes in and out of the cave with astounding ease, without question and seeming can take it or leave it according to her whim and wish that day……not sure how see does it and remains happy and consistent in her mind that she can decide one day to go learn about god, hang out with some friends, then the next few weeks, she can tell herself, shes good for awhile to stay home. She plays for awhile, then takes a break…all without guilt or question. She is my idol. Also to ultimately leave would imply I am searching for another faith, anther church, even if that church is atheism which just doesn’t suit my personal beliefs.

I don’t want out anymore, nor am I just standing there outside the cave entrance like a dufus. I am across the road, by the stream, fly fishing for trout. The cave is still there, but if matters not to me. I still feel there is much good happening in the cave so to abandon it would be somewhat negative. I even support it with some money, they can have it. It does good. I just can’t enter. It will have to be good enough. Why not me a non mormon in my heart and just leave the name there. My family loves me. I know they pray for me, but anymore, they leave my faith alone. They have mostly seen the me that is in active, or half active. I can see why people who loose their faith perhaps struggle more. Hard to go from total activity to loosing your faith, not to mention the family and friends who do not understand this sudden change.

Thx for your efforts. Thx for your inspiration. thx for your love.