- This topic is empty.
-
Posts
-
I am really struggling right now with the weight that being a gay Mormon places upon my shoulders. For the fourth time in a row, conference was an immensely painful experience for me as yet another six months has gone by without addressing the issues of gay people in a meaningful way. Growing up gay in the church, but closeted and fearful, and deeply loathing oneself creates so much psychological damage. Over the past two or three years, I have become aware of the terrible consequences this psychological damage has wrought in my life. Soon I will be looking back on four decades of my life. I live alone. I hardly ever get out of my apartment. I have no social life. Church is usually stressful for me. I have to take medication for depression in order to go about my daily activities. Over the past 10 years, I have gained 60 pounds, lost a lot of muscular strength, and have essentially “let myself go”. I simply don’t love myself enough to try to be healthy, and I am certainly not trying to be attractive in order to attract a mate. I don’t have a wife or children that depend on me to provide for them, so I have made a lot of bad decisions about my health. I am prediabetic, pre-hypertensive, and lived with widespread muscular pain every day. I am trying to start a career as a professor, but it is going slowly and I’m a few years behind where I should be. I simply do not enjoy life. I have really only had bishops who were supportive of me. However, I feel an immense amount of resentment toward other priesthood leaders in the church for creating within me a pharisaical, hellfire and damnation, sexually repressed, perfectionistic outlook on my own spirituality. In spite of the fact that I have a loving bishop, stake president, and home teacher, I can’t help but feel immensely hurt by the slow progress the Church is making toward creating a loving and safe place for single people, and for LGBT folks. It feels as if they just don’t give a damn about us. Or rather, our welfare is simply not important enough because our issues do not coincide with those of the 99. For all the rhetoric about going after the one, the church seems to make an awful lot of utilitarian decisions that end up excluding us. Most church activity is designed to support the family. If you’re single, tough $&!+. If you don’t have a family, tough $&!+. If you’re gay, tough $&!+. I know this probably sounds very angry, but that’s where I am right now.
In my journey through several support blogs for members of the church who are struggling, it seems most people are of the opinion that it is entirely understandable and even advisable for gay folks to just leave the church. I just can’t do that. I don’t expect the church to make any major modifications to the doctrines of the family and chastity. But I feel as if there are a few things that could be done to make the lives of gay people easier. The brethren need to announce the new outlook towards same-sex attractions and associated policies over the pulpit in general conference, rather than hiding them in the mountain of church documents and websites. Talking about it explicitly in general conference will do more to change people’s ideas than almost any other way I can think of. The rhetoric about the challenges related to our sexual orientation and how to navigate them in this life must be separated from the defense of the family. The conflation of these two related but separate issues creates a situation where the needs of LGBT folks will almost always be sacrificed in order to protect the family. I am tired of us being collateral damage in this war. It is so painful to be so scorned and rejected by an organization that is supposedly dedicated to loving and supporting Disciples of Christ.
It feels very difficult to have members of the church take a special interest in enforcing chastity among gay people, and requiring perfection in this as a minimum requirement for us to even step foot in the church, or to enjoy the society of the saints. It is especially ironic that most of those who are intensely focused on this enforcement would never themselves choose to live a single and separate life, devoid of the support and stability of loving relationships. In general, our community needs to lose its hyper scrupulous focus on policing chastity. What ever happened to “teaching correct principles, and allowing letting them govern themselves”? Chastity simply does not have to be presented in a guise of hellfire and damnation rhetoric. It simply sets up unhealthy and negative frameworks for the gift of sexuality in our lives.
Finally, it is good to teach the ideal of family life. But the vicissitudes of life, necessitate the understanding that the ideal is sometimes not the reality. I believe that the church needs to make a better effort at validating a life path as a single person when circumstances do not support marriage and family. As Elder Uchdorf mentioned, we need to recognize the diverse gifts that each member brings to the body of the church, including the experiences and wisdom of single people. I believe that the church would be very blessed by doing these things, and it would certainly go a long way in making the church a safe place for LGBT folks and others who deviate from the norm.
Sorry about the length of this post, but I really needed to get this off my chest.
If you were in my ward, I’d give you a hug. It makes me want to cry as i try to imagine the pain and loneliness you feel. Hang in there brother. God bless. Sent from my SGH-T889 using Tapatalk 2
I feel mostly pain from conference…and I’m not gay. I just don’t believe or agree with much of the message that I’ve heard and read about. I feel for you.
Sent from my SCH-I535 using Tapatalk 2
I wish I knew what to say. I agree with a lot of your thoughts. I looked at your introductory post and (forgive me if the question’s already been asked and answered) wondered if you are open with anyone in your inner circle? I hope the longer, warmer days are healthier ones for you.
I’m really sorry to hear about your pain. I genuinely admire you and can only imagine how challenging life must be for you. I was feeling quite positive after the small changes for women, Holland’s comments on doubt and faith, Uchtdorf’s on diversity.
But you’re right. They completely passed up the chance to have someone re-enforce the message of acceptance and support for gay members. That’s a shame. And quite double standards. They seem to tell the media ‘we are tolerant and supportive’ but focus on ‘family/chastity’ to the membership.
Will be thinking of you.
I’m sending an e-hug your way! Sorry. Stay positive and hang in there! I’m not gay, but the anti-gay retoric at conference/church bothers me too. It is my personal belief that denying others civil rights based on sexual orientation is a form of bigotry. At church and at conference I would prefer to hear about Jesus, Joseph Smith, The Book of Mormon, The Bible and topics along those lines.
Amen Turinturambar! turinturambar wrote:The brethren need to announce the new outlook towards same-sex attractions and associated policies over the pulpit in general conference, rather than hiding them in the mountain of church documents and websites. Talking about it explicitly in general conference will do more to change people’s ideas than almost any other way I can think of.
I wonder a few things… perhaps the leadership aren’t making this sort of a sweeping change because they themselves aren’t unified on the subject (How long can Pres. Packer go without making a reference against gay marriage). Another reason may be that the membership themselves are not ready. I think that many would get whiplash at the perceived turnaround from the Prop. 8 years. Certainly public opinion is moving in the direction of acceptance and I believe that it is the youth that are leading the way. It is only a matter of time.
But change may come too late for many. And I hate to see you so tied up in knots over the slow progress. As you have noted the church seems to be somewhat thoughtless to the needs of the 1%. I don’t see this changing – even as the church becomes more tolerant, I believe it will be in response to the needs of the majority for a more tolerant faith in line with their more varied life experiences. The church as an organization suffers the same pitfalls of all organizations – inertia, culture, base etc. We are blessed to have a Prophet with the authority to officially change our doctrine – but it does not seem that this happens very often unless the doctrine being changed has already proven itself obsolete to the general membership. This change will take time.
In various situations we have counseled people to do whatever is necessary for your own individual health and wellbeing as a first priority. I recommend that now. I do not pretend to know what that means for you personally.
I also believe that developing a personal relationship with God may help. I know that when I was broken by my inadequacy following the death of our daughter I was really drawn to the worship music of some other Christian faiths. I remember one line that would bring me to tears: “So what can I say? What can I do?” This was the crux of it. What could I do to not be inadequate, vulnerable, and hurting? What could I do to prevent myself from failing those that are counting on me, myself, and God? The song continues: “But offer this heart O God – Completely to You.”
Failure is scary, but rejection is scarier. In this verse I started to internalize that I could come to my divine Father with all of my inadequacy, failure, vulnerabilities, and fears and He will accept the whole of me. This was a turning point in how I saw myself and my journey through this life (rebirth?). I believe that God always accepted all of me – and when I was ready/needful He let me know it.
I have never been in your shoes. I only know that at my weakest, God accepted the whole of me. I am confident that He does the same for you. There is nothing too shameful that He cannot handle.
Whatever the next leg of your journey may hold – I remain your brother (even semi-anonymously on the internet) –
Roy
I will pray for you, friend. Since I don’t have a personal stake in the gay thing, I can’t advise you. I do not think the church has handled this matter well, and that makes people like you the way you are right now. Church is not meant to make you feel bad, at least not unless you’re doing something horribly wrong, and you’re not.
Did you try vitamins like I suggested? They have helped me.
Remember there is beauty out there – music, literature, art, nature, people even… And it will make you feel better. A bit of comedy helps too.
I hope you can feel a bit better now that Spring is here. If you’re in Utah, let’s go mountain biking. I will keep you in my prayers. Just hang in there.
- You must be logged in to reply to this topic.