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My whole life up until I went through the temple and got married I feel like I have been able to be myself and be authentic even though I didn’t fit in the normal mormon woman mold. Since I had such strong faith and didn’t believe in the Mormon culture I was able to feel really good about living my life as I saw fit. I lived all the real rules really well, based my modesty on my actions and not my clothes and felt really good about myself regardless of what people thought of me. Now that I have gone through the temple I feel like I will never be able to be authentic again. I cannot feel good about myself and wear garments-plus I actually do not believe in them. I can see that they may be a nice reminder for some people, but I do not view them as anything necessary or good. I think they hurt a lot of people. Despite that belief, I still have to worry about what I wear every single day or people will know that I am not a good mormon anymore. My shirts with flutter sleeves are telling, I can’t wear light colors any more because you would be able to see the lines through it. I stopped posting half my pictures on facebook because I still wear tank tops to amusement parks and when I’m traveling so now I have to completely edit my social circle. I haven’t been to church in a month and half of it is because I stress so much about what I am going to wear. The other half of it is because I feel like I have to pretend the whole time I’m there. I only believe in half of what I hear there. The other half makes me upset. I haven’t been to relief society in about six months (maybe I’ve been twice since I got married) because they reinforce all the gender roles that I don’t believe in. When I had such a strong testimony and felt like I was a good mormon I could over look the culture that I so strongly disliked. But now that I only believe in parts of it I feel like I have to pretend in order to be involved at all.
I also fit in so much better in the singles wards. I know a lot of people don’t like them, but it was such a better fit for me. It was social, people planned activities that I actually consider fun, people planned group trips. In my family ward it’s potlucks that end at eight pm. In the singles ward I never had to worry about the traditional gender roles making me upset because they asked both the women and the men to feed the missionaries and bring food to the activities. I don’t know how to be myself and be Mormon any more.
The thing is, the only visible thing that has changed in my life is the garment thing. I don’t drink, I still don’t even drink coffee, I am living most of the standards still but between that and having to keep all my real opinions to myself I am left feeling so unauthentic that I feel terrible. I just wish there was some way to be true to myself and not have everyone worry about me or think that I am bad and selfish.
I went to the temple with my family when my brother went through for the first time and my mom was so happy to have so many of her children there. She said, “this must be what heaven feels like.” The whole time I was silently crying because the endowment session make me feel so depressed and unloved as a woman. It breaks my hurt to think of hurting my parents, but it is killing me inside to pretend to be something that I am not.
I think I have been just trying to shove this under the rug for the last several months, and I just freaked out about it today. I don’t know what to do.
I’m so sorry to hear of your struggles HSAB. My heart goes out to you. Being a man I don’t face the same issues you do daily. Most of the time the garment doesn’t get in the way of my style. And if it is in the way of my activity I take it off and don’t stress about it. People might notice but I’m long past the point where I care what people think. I don’t go out of my way to offend people and do my best to fit into the church culture, but if I do something “abnormal” I don’t sweat it. Unfortunately I don’t know how to come to the point where peoples opinions don’t matter. My wife stresses tremendously in any decision about what others will think. I don’t. Hang in there and try to be positive? Take the good, leave the bad? I don’t know. I feel for you and hope you get through this. HSAB wrote:…Now that I have gone through the temple I feel like I will never be able to be authentic again. I cannot feel good about myself and wear garments-plus I actually do not believe in them…Despite that belief,
I still have to worry about what I wear every single day or people will know that I am not a good mormon anymore…I stopped posting half my pictures on facebook because I still wear tank tops to amusement parks and when I’m traveling so now I have to completely edit my social circle. I haven’t been to church in a month and half of it is because I stress so much about what I am going to wear. The other half of it is because I feel like I have to pretend the whole time I’m there. I only believe in half of what I hear there. The other half makes me upset…I don’t know how to be myself and be Mormon any more…The thing is, the only visible thing that has changed in my life is the garment thing. I don’t drink, I still don’t even drink coffee, I am living most of the standards still but between that and having to keep all my real opinions to myself I am left feeling so unauthentic that I feel terrible…I don’t know what to do. I’m sorry to hear you are going through this, it is definitely tough to deal with and the whole cookie cutter approach of expecting everyone to be almost exactly the same and having to worry about what other members will think about you if you go against this pattern are some of my absolute least favorite things about the Church. To be honest, I’m not sure what the best thing to do about it would be. Certainly many members bow out completely mostly because they don’t feel comfortable in the Church and others will just go along with most of it and try to blend in mostly to get along with other members. The main other option I can think of would be to simply ignore what you don’t agree with as much as possible and see how people actually react if they notice you aren’t wearing garments and maybe it won’t end up being quite as bad as you fear but I realize that this is probably much easier said than done in most cases.
I don’t know what to say, but I hear you sistah! I could’ve written this – except I’ve been married for 12 years. 
HSAB, I also could have written your exact post! I am so sorry that there are so many of us that feel that we must hide our thoughts and feelings. Particularly as a woman in the church I feel that many of the recent changes and emphasis have been to control the women. The new modesty standards push. Virtue is the responsibility of the YW for both themselves and the YM and of course how garments truly are damaging to many women both physically and mentally. It seem as if BYU’s honor code has thrown up and infected the rest of the church culture. The messages that we are teaching our youth are so dangerous! I have though finally come to a tentative peace that I will not fit the “culture” and never will. I have also come to terms that I will not wear garments and I do not try to hide it anymore. I try to be respectful at church and wear “modest” clothes even to the new standards but I do not care if I run into someone while wearing normal clothes.Now when it comes time for my daughter to get married I may change my mind for awhile in order to go to the temple.
As far as your heartache just remember that the church culture only has as much power as you give it. Come to peace that you are not a carbon copy of what they want and be a shinning light for those that may also feel out of place. Ignore the others and as my sister in law says when questioned…”I’m working out my own salvation, you worry about yours and but out!” Also the YW truly do need to see adult women that are able to be unique and stand apart from the church culuture,even if they think it is bad now, it will at least make them think.
HSAB, It sounds like there was a time in your life when you where a little more comfortable being you. I don’t know how, but I suspect that if you tried to tap into that element of your earlier life that you might be able to give yourself some good advice. In other words, what would the old you say to the current you about feeling content about living life your own way? The real reason I’m writing, though, is because I had a sort of similar situation to yours. I mean, lots of things are different. But I gather that you feel like you are living a lie with your parents, and I felt like I was living a lie with my kids. It hurt because I couldn’t be true to myself, and I couldn’t be true to them. I knew that someday I would need to tell them, and that ached deep down. I didn’t want to hurt them. I didn’t want them to think less of me. I didn’t want to be a hypocrite. I didn’t like the way it felt to stuff those feelings deep down in my gut. I became depressed. Man, that sucked. It was a dark chapter in my life. It’s amazing how debilitating depression is. Your arms and legs feel heavier… I don’t mean metaphorically. I mean, it is harder to get up, harder to go up the stairs harder to get in and out of the car. Everything takes laborious effort. I started seeing a psychologist. He gave me some very good advice: that family secrets are no good. I decided to tell my kids, and it worked out much better than I expected. I didn’t go into reasons, or make it a matter of debate or attack-defend. I just explained that I was no longer a believer and that I still supported them in the church. Later, I told my parents and in-laws. For me, it was a very important moment. It turned out that they still loved me. I could be myself again. I didn’t feel like a hypocrite anymore. I was afraid to talk to them, but it was such a huge relief when it had been accomplished.
You have to do what feels right. Just because it was an important leap forward for me, doesn’t mean it will be the same for you, but I do believe that family secrets only hurt. And I do also believe that if you are still a good person, supportive and loving of them, in exactly the same way you hope they are supporting and loving of you, that being honest is a good thing.
Quote:I still have to worry about what I wear every single day or people will know that I am not a good mormon anymore.
No, you don’t have to worry about it; you do worry about it. There’s a difference, and you might or might not be able to work it out on your own.
Above all else, “We claim the privilege or worshiping Almighty God according to the dictates of our own consciences.”
“We” includes YOU . Two pieces of advice:
1) Don’t attend the temple – at least until you work out those issues. If that’s never, it’s never; it it’s a long time, it’s a long time; if it’s a little while, it’s a little while. Take the time you need, however long that is.
2) Stop wearing the garment, especially if you aren’t planning on attending the temple – or put it on once each day and immediately take it off. In the temple itself, as was mentioned in the other garment thread, the only wording is “throughout your life”. Cut yourself some slack as you try to work out the related issues; try to work out the related issues; plan on wearing them again whenever you’ve worked out the related issues – with the same general plan as attending the temple. No hard set time lines – simply “when I can”.
It’s not easy to let of concern for what others think of you, but, ultimately, God is the judge – and he judges your heart. Others might judge your actions, but God judges your heart – and you have a wonderful heart.
Thanks everyone for the thoughts and advice 
On Own Now wrote:HSAB, It sounds like there was a time in your life when you where a little more comfortable being you. I don’t know how, but I suspect that if you tried to tap into that element of your earlier life that you might be able to give yourself some good advice. In other words, what would the old you say to the current you about feeling content about living life your own way?
That is a great question/observation. I had overcome (or become much better) about my body issues by putting on whatever made me feel comfortable and good about my body. I never felt bad about it even if it was a tank top because I didn’t feel like I was breaking any real rules. Now I feel like I am breaking those rules even though I don’t believe in those rules. The old me would have told myself that I need to do what I feel good about and that God loves me for who I am. I would have also said that I shouldn’t care what people think. Lol, these are all things the current me is telling myself too…It’s just much harder to put into practice.I feel good/fine/relieved about choosing not going to the temple. It is a stressful and unhappy place for me now anyway. I only care about ever going again because I love my family, but I think I can support them in other ways. It is crazy how much anxiety I feel about garments. Even trying to think about Ray’s suggestion about wearing them some day in the distant future maybe just fills me with anxiety. It feels like a cage, like someone would be stepping on my freedom of self expression, my body image and my adventurous spirit all at once. I swear I am fairly normal aside from all of this. It’s still crazy to me how much all of this affects me. My husband said it’s like I’m closeted and need to come out to my family. That is how it feels. maybe I will try and tell my dad first. He is the most open minded person in my family.
You are not alone! I don’t feel like I fit “in” either at Church. However, I thank God that I don’t fit in. I like being me! Southern wrote:I don’t know what to say, but I hear you sistah! I could’ve written this – except I’ve been married for 12 years.
I think tens of thousands of women could write a similar version of this.
My hope is that some serious thought and prayer will be given to this issue. There may be a lot of female LDS depression attributable to garment-wearing. I wish we were trusted – really trusted – to wear them as we see fit. If wearing them is between us and the Lord, then let it be!
I read this and understand a little better why my wife has already left. Call me shallow, but neither of us miss her garments, even though I miss the beliefs she once held that lead to her wearing them. I question whether raising my 12yo daughter in this environment is good for her. In many ways there are positives, but in others there are not.
Fwiw, I raised my oldest daughter “in this environment” – and she is an ultra-liberal, socialist-at-heart who now is serving a mission and absolutely loving it. We tend to think in absolutes, even when we think we’ve gotten beyond absolutes – and that’s true of everyone, not just Mormons. Given that simple fact, the key for me is much more my children’s home environment – since I know their church environment won’t be constant throughout their lves, even if they remain totally active in the LDS Church until the day they die. If I help break down extremist, absolutist views for them (unless such a view is important to one or more of them), I’m confident they will figure our their own faith – whether it is more similar to or different than mine.
Old-Timer wrote:the key for me is much more my children’s home environment – since I know their church environment won’t be constant throughout their lves, even if they remain totally active in the LDS Church until the day they die. If I help break down extremist, absolutist views for them (unless such a view is important to one or more of them), I’m confident they will figure our their own faith – whether it is more similar to or different than mine.
+1 I believe that the church can be a great resource in raising kids. I don’t like all the messages. I feel that some messages are more damaging for some youth than they would be for others. I have repeatedly said that I would cease LDS church participation if one of my kids came out to me as gay. Until then I supplement what they get from church, school, rumors, and urban myths with my parenting and the home environment. It is not perfect but it is working for now.
Old-Timer wrote:Fwiw, I raised my oldest daughter “in this environment” – and she is an ultra-liberal, socialist-at-heart who now is serving a mission and absolutely loving it.
We tend to think in absolutes, even when we think we’ve gotten beyond absolutes – and that’s true of everyone, not just Mormons. Given that simple fact, the key for me is much more my children’s home environment – since I know their church environment won’t be constant throughout their lves, even if they remain totally active in the LDS Church until the day they die. If I help break down extremist, absolutist views for them (unless such a view is important to one or more of them), I’m confident they will figure our their own faith – whether it is more similar to or different than mine.
Thanks for sharing this Ray! Reading your post here gave me some peace. As a convert, raising children in the Church is something that is completely new for my lineage and I have been obsessing over the “absolutes”. It doesn’t matter to me if I have a kid who is conservative or liberal, I just want to make sure that if I raise a kid in the church that they will be able to march to the beat of their own drummer.
I feel the same way, a part of me wish I didn’t go through the temple because I wouldn’t feel like I’m not being true to myself for not wearing my garments. I think I also don’t believe in Garments. im still a good person. i dont like the idea how we are judged based on our garments. thats so wrong. I don’t drink, I don’t cheat, etc etc. I hate the idea that we are dismishes because we don’t wear garments. I also struggle with the temple ceremony. Especially how it was changed overtime and how it used to be so dramatic. Thank goodness it was removed, but still, it makes me question things, why would God want these penalties? It makes me feel like God is cruel. Why are the ordinances always changing?
It still feel weird not wearing the garments but I do feel a bit better about myself and am starting to want to dress myself up more. I’ve not been doing that because I feel ugly. I feel less ugly without the garments. I’m tired of feeling ugly all of the time. I’ just turned 29 and I won’t be young forever. I want to feel beautiful before I go old and wrinkled.
I’m conflicted because I want eternal marriage too. I shall cross that bridge if it comes, I suppose.
Hang in there, I like Ray’s advice.
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