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I had an interesting talk with my 16-year old son the other day. I asked him how he felt about a mission and he was rather ambivalent. He did ask me “Can you be a good person and not go on a mission?” (I answered “Of course you can!” and proceeded to give him a few examples I knew of). I then told him that while his mother and I thought a mission would be good for him, it was HIS decision and that we would respect that. It was a good conversation and, frankly, I’ve no idea at this point whether or not he will go. However, at some time in the future, I do want to have a talk with him about the reality of the social consequences for not going. Not to put pressure on him but just so that he will be prepared for the kinds of comments and reactions he’ll get. Around this same time, a young man in my ward who recently left on his mission came home after a couple of months. I don’t believe it was “dishonorably”. From what I heard he said this to his parents when he made the decision “The mission wasn’t what I expected it to be.” By the time I heard about his return, he’d been home a few weeks but hadn’t come to church. My guess it was for fear of what reactions he’d get. (Though I’d like to think in my ward, that people would be kind and supportive.) This leads to my question. I’m not interested in discussing what people should or shouldn’t do to young men who choose not to go or choose to return home before their “time” is up, rather, which has the worse social consequences? Is it better to have gone and come home early rather or to have never gone at all? I’d appreciate any thoughts this group has on the subject as it could guide the discussion that I will be having with my son. Thanks!
From strictly a social standpoint, I would say it’s better to not go at all than to go and then come home early. Unfortunately, judgment enters the picture – and people tend to assume “unworthiness” or sin when someone leaves a mission early. Those who leave early also tend to struggle more with guilt than those who simply never serve. It’s better to not go at all than to come home early, IMO. Sent from my SCH-I535 using Tapatalk 2
I think a much more important aspect of it all is what the young person will experience for themselves. Someone who never goes is going to be better off, in my opinion, because it will be a decision not to go, followed by carrying out that decision. For someone that goes and comes back early, it is making a decision to go, and then not carrying it through. In other words, no matter what we do in life, it is easier to be comfortable in our own skins when we succeed than when we fail. While I don’t care if a young person goes or not, and I don’t care whether they quit or not, I think someone who goes and then quits will be more likely to feel actual, inner regret that they were not able to carry it out, when so many others do it, seemingly with no problem. Gerald wrote:I do want to have a talk with him about the reality of the social consequences for not going.
But, he shouldn’t make his decision based on what other people think. That’s precisely what gets so many YM in trouble with missions. When I suffered depression (later in life, not on the mission), a primary factor was that I felt trapped by my situation. I expect that is a major cause of depression among missionaries.When a young person is 16, they tend to have a heightened sense of responsibility-avoidance, and while they want Independence from their parents, they crave acceptance from peers. Fast forward 2 or 3 years, and generally, YM/YW start to want to go out and take on the world, driven by a desire for independence. They, often, see the world as a great opportunity, and they think of themselves as capable of making it. They start to recognize that there are many different kinds of people, and that friends are not defined by “acceptance”, but by mutual compatibility and shared experiences. IMO you shouldn’t frame the conversation as “it’s OK not to go, but others will mock you”, because I think that plays to the responsibility-avoidance and peer-acceptance phase of life he is in. Rather, you should be talking to him about how he’s entering a phase of life where he will make his own decisions and stand on his own. That going on a mission is the first really big, life-affecting decision he will make. And that whatever he decides will be OK with YOU… that you will love him the same whether he goes on a mission or decides not to. Maybe let him know that you don’t expect him to go… it’s entirely up to him. Explain that there are many who go because they are pressured, or that they feel pressure. Those are all the wrong reasons to make a big decision like that. I would explain that missions are much harder than he thinks, but that they can be very rewarding experiences. I would reinforce that he doesn’t need to make the decision now, in fact, it would sort of be wrong to. (it’s just as short-sighted for a young person to decide not to go years ahead, as it is for the church to try to get YM to commit to go, years in advance, which I have seen first-hand). Then, if he decides to go at 18,19,20, you tell him that if he needs to come home, to pick up the phone and call you and you will welcome him home with open arms… that you will love him no matter how the mission turns out.
If you don’t want to read about my experience, you can just skip to the last paragraph where I give you my actual reply. However, I thought my experience was applicable. I left for my mission the year I graduated high school. I was the kind of kid who never got in trouble, always knew the right gospel answers, was successful at all my school and extracurricular activities, graduated near the top of my class, had already been accepted to BYU, etc. Nobody had even a shadow of a doubt that I would convert and baptize all of Honduras. Despite all of this success, I had been hiding an inner struggle in my life to find my own identity. I had spent my whole life being a perfectionist and living up to the expectations of others, but in the end it just left me feeling empty and unfulfilled inside. I didn’t feel like I had any real friendships, because I didn’t feel like anyone knew the real me. If it makes sense, I reached a point where success was just expected of me (from others and from myself), and thus success became unrewarding and unsatisfying. On the flip side, there was so much anxiety over what might happen if I
didn’tsucceed that it almost became too much to bear. And then when I got to the MTC it wastoo much to bear. I spent a month there learning Spanish before they sent me home to get help. This moment changed my entire life. At the time I knew it was the right thing for me, I just wouldn’t know until much later exactly why. And I didn’t know it until much later because of what I went through when I got home. I had been on a shining pedestal beforehand, but I walked into church that first Sunday and got knocked mercilessly down to Earth. Nobody looked at me the same way…not even my own parents. I was ashamed beyond the means to express, and yet I had done nothing “wrong.” I didn’t know how to talk about it, or what to say to people. I was so confused and completely lost. I distinctly remember coming out of my room one of those first days home and finding my parents chatting with an older couple from our ward. They had a book open to a page that was marked with a sticky note. When the couple looked up at me, they gave me what I can only describe as a pitying look before I continued on. That evening after they had gone, I found the book that they had left for my parents sitting on the fireplace and opened it to the marked page. It was a chapter on casting out evil spirits. I was shocked. Shocked and hurt. I was finally on a path to find myself, and my parents already didn’t like who I was becoming.
I grew angry at the church for my pain. And the pain didn’t just go away. The mission is deeply ingrained into the culture of the church itself. As long as your son is actively participating in the LDS church, he will get the following questions fired at him in casual conversation, without a second thought. They’ll ask him, “Where did you serve your mission?” or “Did you go on a mission?” In the beginning I answered the way that I was counseled, “Yes, I was called to Honduras, but I came home for medical reasons.” But holy cow, did that open up a can of worms every time. I’d get, “What happened?”, “What was your medical condition?”, etc. Yes, people are that nosy. How was I supposed to answer that? After many uncomfortable situations, I just started replying “I didn’t go on a mission.” And let me tell you, that is definitely the better response; it’s end of story, mission conversation over at that point. But it doesn’t stop with the casual conversations. Every third discussion reply from the group in Sunday school or priesthood meeting is going to begin with, “When I was on my mission…[insert miraculous spiritual or life experience here].” Your son will sit there and go, “I can’t really relate.”
As one who
essentiallydid not go on a mission and yet continued to be active in the church, I can say it gets easier to deal with. It’s 10 years later and it’s almost laughable to me how necessary I thought it was to serve a mission. But I have a happy life, a wonderful family, and an honest and open spirituality. In hindsight, it may have been better in my situation if I had just not gone to the MTC, but that would be silly to conclude. I’ve learned so much by what I went through when I came home, as unpleasant and painful as it was. I commend you on expressing your thoughts to him while still expressing support for his decision. This would be my advice to you, for what it’s worth. If you think a mission will be good for him because you think it might dispel doubts and give him a deep and lasting testimony or that it will teach him good life lessons, the mission is not necessary. If those things are going to happen, they are going to happen mission or no mission. However, if your son really believes in the gospel with all of his heart and wants to spend 2 years trying to share that with others, then encourage away. Unfortunately, your son cannot take his mission on a test drive, so he’s probably feeling apprehensive regardless of his circumstances. Just keep being the good understanding parents that you are and I think you will be able to find peace with whatever happens. Like to add my two cents and say that I think it is definitely better to have not gone on a mission than to come back early. The church culture is not very forgiving for missionaries that come home early. I have a nephew that recently returned home early from his mission. I don’ t know the details. He has gone completely inactive. He felt ostracized and ashamed. There is simply no support structure for a missionary that “fails”. It doesn’t matter the reason given. People in the ward see him/her back early and ask questions. Most of the youth their age are either on missions or at school. There is so much loneliness and guilt that the only option they see is inactivity. After the pain and rejection, comes the anger. In my nephew’s case there is just too much anger now to even consider coming back to church. Quote:As one who essentially did not go on a mission and yet continued to be active in the church, I can say it gets easier to deal with.
I agree with this. After the years go by it will become less and less on an issue. When the issue of a mission comes up you can say “I never went on a mission”. Much easier than having to say you went on a mission but had to come home early. That just gets a potential follow up question or even awkward silence. I don’t think in the church there is a bigger conversation stopper than bringing up a dishonorable mission, meaning you didn’t finish the two years. Regardless how you try to explain it, it is an albatross.
I believe if a young man or woman wants to go on mission or leave their mission early, they should make that decision based on what’s best for them and not what other people at church are going to think. As a convert, I find it interesting how much importance grown Mormons place on what others think of them. I would never let what someone else’s opinion force me to work for free. I had a wonderful Bishop a few years back who spoke openly about having never served a mission. He said he was a bit wild and no one ever asked him to go. I’ve never heard him apologize for or express regret for not going. His life eventually evolved in a manner that he was called as bishop. I think that the calling as bishop would have been less likely had he gone and then come home. Don’t go unless you intend to finish or leave the church if you come home early. It is a really tough road in The church if you do not finish. It is sad really because the kids who come home already have some issues and piling on the guilt and shame can not help. I would say don’t go if you don’t think you really don’t think you will finish. Half of the Q12 didn’t go and many leaders I know didn’t go. It will also show up on your membership record that you didn’t complete your mission and that will be a red flag for some. I know a lot of kids that joined the military and served that way. There are many ways to serve. For the most part I agree. Especially for someone who is 18-19. But I wanted to also offer an additional point of view. When I left on my mission I was almost 24 and I’d been fighting the idea of going for a while. I strongly felt like I should but I wasn’t sure if I really wanted to. I think because I was a little older I was able to put aside the stress over the possibility of going home. For me I felt like I had to at least try. If it didn’t work then it didn’t work.
I guess for me the thought of never having the experience at all and wondering what I’d missed for the rest of my life was scarier than the thought of going and finding out it wasn’t for me and coming home. I honestly didn’t expect to stay the whole 2 years when I left. Leaving the option of coming home open helped me be less stressed. Where others felt like it was the end of the world if it didn’t go well I felt like I could always go home if I ever really didn’t want to be there.
In the end I stayed the whole two years to the surprise of myself and my family. So I didn’t have to deal with the problems of coming home early. Although I’m probably no more active now than if I’d left early.
But I know I was a special case. I left really late and with a much more individualist streak than most missionaries. But for some people like me the thought of missing out on the opportunity may be worse than the thought of not completing it.
Just to echo a bit what wuwei said, my oldest son left on his mission when he was 21 – and waiting was the best thing he could have done. I believe strongly that some people aren’t ready to go at 18 or 19, and, for them, waiting to leave is a wonderful thing. If the choice is presented as go at the earliest possible age or not go at all, it’s a bit of a false dichotomy.
Going whenever someone is ready is the ideal– even if that is never AND even if that is not completely, entirely, assuredly ready for everything that might happen. I’ve appreciated the comments offered here (and any more that may come). It’s been very helpful to get some perspective on this issue. Just thought I would add a little perspective too. We’ve had a son who came home with a medical release and made the decision not to go back out. He struggled for a bit too, but has done fairly well working through it. One of the areas of growth I see in him is that he owns his short time out there. He has been willing to speak up and speak to the experiences he had while there and things he learned. One of the greatest things that happened is that before he left, grown men who found out what was going on got to him one on one and shared having to come home from their missions. Many of them never made it out of the MTC. My son actually enjoyed the MTC even though the medical issue started while in there. I will always be grateful to those men who reassured my son there is life in the church after coming home early from a mission and to keep his head up. A less active person also gave him encouragement and quoted a scriptural reference to him which I felt impressed to share with him at the airport. Before I could say it to him, he started sharing it with us! I knew the Lord was in the details at that moment of my son’s life! He and our family have been on the receiving end of those nosy questions and judgments. I come away from those encounters feeling sorry for those people that they have such a limited understanding of the ability of God to direct our lives and utilize us in His mysterious ways. Another thing I have observed is that some of his younger friends are now less active at church before mission age in large part to try to avoid the whole shebang. I am so hoping that something within in the culture will change, especially with the multitude of young women going out, and the pressure will stop. We are losing quality young men who we need in the church over this issue. Our son keeps reaching out to them to invite them to come back and be there too.
As I have already mentioned previously in another post, there is a list of quality men in our area who came home early. Maybe it’s time for the church to think about creating a support group for our young men utilizing men who have survived the trauma associated with all this. That’s what those men on the mission did for our son…..it was a support group.
A friend of mine came home from the MTC for unspecified reasons. After a few weeks his dad came to him and said that people are beginning to talk and that it was time for my friend to go back out. So back he went to the MTC, only this time the pressure he felt was so much worse. He described for me going “AWOL” (complete with jumping fences and hiding behind bushes) from the MTC and hiding out at his inactive sister’s house (she was estranged from the rest of the family in part due to her religious stance.) After a period of time my friend seemed to resolve things with his family but that wasn’t the end of it. He told me that he had a horrendous time trying to get LDS girls to give him a second date. He said, “They just don’t understand that a mission is not for everybody.” I can imagine that to be somewhat of an interest killer with the LDS ladies. He later did get married but she didn’t seem to be very nice to him and I always had the impression that he kind of “settled.” I’m sure that some guys can not go on a mission/return early from a mission and land great marriages – but it seems that serving a full two year mission is helpful in the LDS dating hierarchy.
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