- This topic is empty.
-
Posts
-
I’m a happily married 32 year old mother of 3. I’m a life long member who married an RM in the temple. I did everything within my power to ensure my ” happily ever after”, but now I find that my faith is a source of sorrow rather than light and hope. My husband struggled with his faith for years before finally putting a stop to the struggle and going inactive. I maintained my faith and devotion and continued on without him. I found this website a few years back hoping I would find ways to help him. But what I found were new ways of looking at the church that tested my faith. I now feel I’m more unorthodox and much more open minded than I was a few years ago. But the teachings of the church are taught in black and white, and my marriage & life is full of many different shades gray. This is what has caused my current conflict, I want to remain active in the church..but I find that actually going to church makes me terribly unhappy, anxious and stressed. I come home with what feels like a boulder in my chest weighing me down. The actual cause for this is fear. I had always believed that God’s love was unconditional, I still really want to believe that it is…but when I am at church ( and most recently a sealing) I am reminded of how many conditions there really are placed on God’s willingness to let us live with him again. I have a strong, loving marriage…nothing causes me more anguish than the prospect of not having my husband by my side for eternity. But the messages I constantly receive, while reading my scriptures, attending the temple or going to church are just that…he isn’t keeping his covenants, paying tithes etc. so he is disqualified unless he changes…which I’ve lost hope that he ever will. I keep looking for a more hope, from conference and church leaders…but it doesn’t seem that anyone is willing to tell me that everything will be ok. I need hope right now or I’m not sure how I can keep subjecting myself to the pain I feel every Sunday. Does anyone have a scripture they’ve found or a quote from a church leader that speaks of hope for a marriage like mine? pentium3, Welcome to activity on this board. I can’t quote you a scripture or a GA, but I can quote you:
pentium3 wrote:happily married
If that is true, don’t let your religion weigh down on you. Spirituality either lifts you up or it isn’t worthwhile. If you are happily married, then you already have something that eludes many (most?) people. That’s something to celebrate, not lament. If there is a God, and he cares about you the way a father cares about his children, I doubt you have anything to worry about.My advice is to make your marriage to your good husband and your being a mom to 3 kids, the central aspect of your life. Remember that work, church, your house, your 401K all pale in comparison. Then, if you want to have a spiritual side of your life, fill it with the good things that you find in the church and scriptures.
In my own case, I feel that in many ways, I love my wife even more now than when I was fully in with the church, because I feel dependence only on her for my happiness. Our love is the most important and most potent power on earth.
If you are interested, I have written more than one post on my personal blog about marriage that apply to your situation: “Temple Sealing as a Shadow of Practical Sealing”( http://thingsofmysoul.blogspot.com/2013/02/temple-sealing-as-shadow-of-practical.html “Celestial Marriage Is Not Exclusive to Mormons”( http://thingsofmysoul.blogspot.com/2011/11/celestial-marriage-is-not-exclusive-to.html There are 34 posts under the category of “Marriage”, so feel free to click on that link on the bottom right side of my blog if you want to read more.
pentium3 wrote:but when I am at church ( and most recently a sealing) I am reminded of how many conditions there really are placed on God’s willingness to let us live with him again. I have a strong, loving marriage…nothing causes me more anguish than the prospect of not having my husband by my side for eternity. But the messages I constantly receive, while reading my scriptures, attending the temple or going to church are just that…he isn’t keeping his covenants, paying tithes etc. so he is disqualified unless he changes
I’m strengthening the part of my brain that says, “I don’t believe that.” When you don’t believe it, and you consciously acknowledge it, it’s interesting how the dread, judgment and threats lose their grip.
I hope you and your husband will be truly happy.
First, I really like what Ray said and linked to. Second, we have collected some really great quotes at the following link:
http://forum.staylds.com/viewtopic.php?f=5&t=4042 Third, I am going to project a little of my own experience onto you.
Our third child (a daughter, Emory) was stillborn. As I grappled with this, one of my challenges was that the church has no doctrine on whether she will be part of our eternal family or even if she qualifies as a living soul (she never took a breath). The strange thing is that I have come to believe in an eternal relationship with her that is built on the power of love and love alone. When the church could give me no assurances, I had to approach God utterly exposed and vulnerable. What I found there has become my “Pearl of Great Price.”
Thank you all for taking time to respond. I felt uplifted while reading the links provided. I don’t believe God is in the business of breaking up happy marriages…that is what I feel in my heart ( what I wish was taught at church). This weekend just took a toll on me, watching a loved one be sealed should have been a happier experience but sitting in the temple with my DH outside and listening to all the if’s and’s and but’s…caused my biggest concerns to resurface. I feel a little more hopeful, I still need to find a way to believe what feels right, and not let teachings that don’t ring true upset me. The all or nothing way of Mormonism is hard to shake, but I have to or I can’t stay Mormon and happy and I want to be both. Thank you all again for your support! pentium3, I think you are on to something important that can help you if you let it. The church is very black & white; something we all know. But one thing I’ve observed, not-infrequently, when individuals go through a faith crisis, is a re-vectoring of black & white thinking… they still think in black & white terms, they simply adjust what is black and what is white. Just as I think there would be value in the moderation of thought within the church, I think many disaffected members could benefit from some moderation… I don’t mean anyone on this site, btw. The church has many good aspects that get trampled if a person runs too quickly for the exit. I love the optimism and us-centered LDS doctrines. I think it is perfectly valid to find the ones that ring true to you and absolve yourself of the others. I believe the church membership has started to self-moderate. It’ll take some time, but I find, for example, that a lot of people below, say 50, are starting to ask themselves about the efficacy of keeping no place at the table for gay members. But regardless of whether OTHERS get away from B & W thinking, we as individuals can do it, and IMO, it can be very satisfying. I’ve learned a lot from people here at stayLDS about it, and it’s making a palpable difference in my life.
Welcome. pentium3. I had get released from my callings because of problems with anxiety, panic attacks, OCD, and other issues, so I know how you feel. Do what you feel is best for you. pentium3 wrote:I had always believed that God’s love was unconditional, I still really want to believe that it is…but when I am at church (and most recently a sealing) I am reminded of how many conditions there really are placed on God’s willingness to let us live with him again.
Welcome! Regarding the above comment it has helped me to remember that
everythingwe hear as humans can be boiled down to “the philosophies of men mingled with scripture.” Our best efforts to understand scripture and interpret the spirit will still come up short of divine understanding — so when you hear things in church that don’t fit with the kind of perfect love that God would possess, have confidence that divine love is greater than doctrine. Find peace. As a mother of three I am sure you feel a great love and a longing to protect your children. Magnify that love by what ever you think God’s love might be and you will find that that God doesn’t want to see anyone left out and think what it would take for you to kick your kids out of the house. I envision people not returning back to God only when that person chooses to not having that relationship. I know for me I will always welcome my kids home (and they a far from perfect) as long as they are trying to be nice and respectful. They can be gay, not involved in the church, have tattoos, even a little crazy. As far as church goes, cut back if you need to or if you are like me and go because you like church and the ward family and have obligations to go for you kids or at least want some of the good thing about church to be part of their lives, then go with the attitude of how can I make church better for people like yourself. As Elder Holland said in his talk at GC, we don’t have to pretend to faith we do not have, so don’t. I would also say if we want to be accepted then we also need to accept other with all their beliefs and issues.
Quote:so when you hear things in church that don’t fit with the kind of perfect love that God would possess, have confidence that divine love is greater than doctrine.
That feels right to me. When I focus on my faith in God I do feel much more at peace than when I focus on what I hear at church. I do hear lots’ of good at church too, I will work on focusing on what is uplifting…and then teach my children to do the same.
Roy ,thank you for sharing the experience you had with going to God with your concern about your baby, and eternal family’s. There is so much that we don’t know, I’m so glad you were able to take your questions to God and find an answer that brought you peace…experiences like that help keep me going when I’m feeling spiritually low.
pentium3
I forgot to give a link to Faces East. Faces East is a support site for spouses of people in faith crisis. Depending on where you are in your faith journey – they might be right up your alley. Ray, Thank you! Your blog entries were wonderful! Pentium, please do join us on Faces East. I have to say it has been so good for my marriage. (And I’m in your same situation.)
I used to find temple sealings painful, because my husband was not there. (I posted a short story abt it called “Winds” by Margaret Blair Young. Check old posts. You might like it.)
I no longer really worry abt it. My husband is still not in the temple, but I don’t mourn. I guess I’m a heretic, but I don’t give that belief “power” over me anymore. I simply don’t believe it. I can’t conceive of a loving God separating us forever over our short mortal experiences. If God is not loving and would condemn my husband, than I’d rather be with my husband in hell than “saved” with that unloving God.
The very fact that we have a temple shows us that God accepts “eternal progression.” People are allowed to learn and grow and change after this life. If that were not so, why temples? If God allows people to accept the gospel after this life, why not your husband? If he overlooks the mortal “stumbling block” of never hearing the gospel in mortality: why would he not also consider other mortal “stumbling blocks?” Like life experiences and personalities that make it hard for us to believe? God knows our hearts. I believe he will give us a chance to grow as much as WE want to grow.
In the Bible, Jesus separated the “sheep from the goats” based on how they treated others. Not on whether or not they went to the temple regularly. I know my husband has a good and loving heart, so I don’t worry so much abt if he’s “active.”
As far as quotes, I believe Joseph Smith said something about not letting God separate him from Emma, even if he had to personally go to hell to get her and bring her back. And 1 Corinthians 7:12-16 was helpful to me also in the past. (Though these days I can’t say I really “believe,” any more than he does, just that I like to “hang on” in practice.)
Pentium, I think you need to find a way to let go of what you hear on Sunday about conditions of God’s love and go with what feels right in your heart. I just had a good discussion with a released bishop who is faithful and strong in his testimony, and what he reiterated to me was that based on his experience, and how small a percentage of god’s children will meet the temple criteria in this life, surely the plan is flawed unless we embrace how much larger the Atonement can be and that surely a way will be made for so many more of us in this life besides just the lucky few who enjoy temple blessings.
The plan just does not make sense unless you step away from such limiting factors, and instead have faith in goodness.
Love your husband for the good he does. Live your life based on what you feel is right. All else will fall into place.
- You must be logged in to reply to this topic.