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I was wayfaring in Pennsylvania this weekend, visiting the old family home, no longer occupied, and visiting my mother’s grave. We planted flowers there, for the first time in nine years. never have been really a grave-side person. Yet, i was there with my daughter, who in personality is most like my mother…yet my daughter is gay. My mother, a voracious reader and deep thinker, disliked the change of the word from happy to something else… yet in time came to accept that some of her grandchildren were gay — and she accepted them in love. it was hard for her.
I think of this at times. Recently, I saw here Turinturambar wrote a thoughtful post on the difficulties of being a faithful gay mormon, and my heart went out to him. My daughter is so much happier and functional outside of the Church than she was within it: for as deep of a thinker she was, she could not reconcile being a ‘faithful latter day saint’ with her need for connecting, in the fullest sense, with the women she loved.
This journey has deeply altered me: particularly over the last nine years, with both my mother passing away as well as my daughter coming out — two individuals who have deeply touched my life. I cannot be the same as I was. We sat at dinner last night with old friends of my father’s…true believers, and I find myself being nice, supressing what I really believe out of courtesy. I speak my mind honestly as I can here — not without consequence. I keep wondering if posting anywhere what I feel is worth it, I seem to be banned or censured wherever I go — too faithful for the exmos, too heretic for the mo’s — I love the Middle Way, but aside for a very few souls here, it’s seems quite lonely.
the ray of hope is…i”m not sure what. Maybe hope is all i have.
peace.
We are in Utah for the long weekend from Oregon. We have been here for the last three years. It was three years ago today that my daughter took her life. It happened on the day of my MIL funeral and my MIL had been living with us for the last number of years before her death. It was hard to have two funerals in one week. We will be visiting four graves today all here in Utah, both in laws are buried in Manti near the temple and my daughter and about two years ago we had a grand daughter who was still born. I like that we have a day where we can remember the passing of the ones we love and I truly do hope that there is a next life and we can connect to our friends and family. One of my favorite movies is “Shawshank Redemption”. There is a line towards the end of the movie that talks about hope.
Quote:Hope is a good thing, maybe the best of things, and no good thing ever dies. I will be hoping that this letter finds you, and finds you well.
Sometimes hope is the only thing we have.
Church0333. I’m sorry for your loss. I hope it gets better over time.
Wayfarer: I’m glad you have found a measure of peace in your life too. “Peace”, another great word.
Quote:the ray of hope is…
I want SO badly to make a stupid joke about the “Ray” of hope . . .
Beautiful, thoughtful post, wayfarer. We talk about those who have sacrificed for our freedom (and rightly so), but we don’t talk enough, imo, about people who sacrifice tremendously to broaden our horizons and allow us to see new things and grow in important ways. Your daughter sounds like such a person for you, and she deserves to be honored this weekend.
My father is such a person for me, although he still is alive. The example of his all-encompassing sacrifice for the woman he loves continues to astound me to this day. Truly, he laid down his life for her in a way that is every bit as powerful as dying for her – even as I don’t demean or lessen the importance of those who do die for others.
May all who choose or are forced to sacrifice greatly for others be honored and blessed.
It is not Memorial Day today, but I came across this post and I was touched by the comments. Today I walked past the cemetery where my oldest daughter is buried. Her grave is about 3/4 of a mile from my home, sometimes in the shadow of a lonely tree. DD1 took her life on a Memorial Day as she was finishing up her degree at BYU. She suffered terribly from schizophrenia. She often had terrible voices in her head telling her awful things. She fought the voices for a long time. She first became ill in her high school years. She did not tell us what was going on. What seemed to start as the emotional swings of puberty in junior high escalated beyond all expectation. She began to cut herself and became suicidal. Several times, she had to be hospitalized for her own protection. But she fought it. Therapists thought that maybe she was severely bi-polar. But we found from her journal later on that she was hearing voices. We have suffered much from schizophrenia on my mom’s side of the family. I think my daughter did not want to be one of the all too familiar family stories. She finished high school, was accepted to BYU, went on a mission to Europe, and went back to BYU. As she approached graduation, she seemed unsure as to what to do next, try for a job or do post graduate work. And then we received word. She left a note.
I have rarely seen the stake center as full as I did on the day of her funeral. I could not visit her grave for many months. I have a box full of her papers that I have not been able to go through. I am grateful for the kinder things that some of the GA have said about those who take their own lives. The SP was also very kind and positive. Your comments on this post have also been helpful.
Thank you for retrieving this beautiful thread Will. Your loss hits a deep spot in my heart. I know nothing of her agony, nor yours, but I appreciate you allowing me to sense some extra emotions of this life and it’s losses. Thank you. Big long virtual hug to you WillheWonder. Willhewonder, thank you for your post. My DW has mental & emotional problems that she deals with on a daily basis. If you haven’t gone through it, it is difficult to talk about & deal with. My Wife has been diagnosed with severe depression, paranoia & possibly
bipolar. If she doesn’t take her meds & doesn’t sleep, she can (and has) been delusional. When that happens, she is in a completely
different world. She doesn’t have suicidal thoughts (that I know of). It has been difficult to know how to deal with it.
I too am glad that the church has been more open about mental & emotional illness. It also helps to have friends that are inside & outside the
church who I can talk with. It is comforting to know that we are not alone.
My mom was schizophrenic, and it was my dad’s intense love for her and his willingness to keep her worry-free and properly medicated, even with the impact on his own life we didn’t understand until decades later (and, surely, still don’t understand fully) that prompted my earlier post. Thank you for bumping up this thread. It was good to read the post again.
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