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I don’t know if I should post this here or in support. I don’t think I need support, just a place to publicly acknowledge that I am a ward project. It is a weird feeling to know you are. At moments it makes you real angry, then sad, then grateful. The grateful part right now is that I get to experience the church’s style of response and treatment – there are amazing lessons in it. Lessons I will likely never get to apply as a leader, but lessons I have decided I can apply as a member. The number one lesson is to be sincere friends with people. I know of 2 or 3 women who don’t attend anymore. I have no idea why, but instead of ignoring them, I am going to say hi – verify to them I am not their visiting teach or any other thing, but that they were once in the circle of people I enjoyed and I want to keep that connection. Nothing more, nothing less.
The angry part is that I wish I could communicate to leadership that these methods are ineffective and often more damaging than if people would just treat you like a person. But you can’t.
The sad – is that it is sad to know that with all the understanding that has been rumored that the top leaders have (The GA’s), it’s sad that they couldn’t come up with a better method of “Rescuing” the lost. I had kind of hoped between Marlin Jensen’s comments, Terryl Given’s rumored efforts, and stuff, that a new plan would come along. No.
Yes I see the small changes – prayers in GC, lesson material shifts, but the core – we haven’t reached that yet. That hurts the most. Someone the other day mentioned their love of the Enoch story and the inspiration it had. I think we all have those. I do, too. Mine rests in 3 Nephi 18. There are some key verses there where the Lord is teaching beyond the Beatitudes and it is inspiring to me. Today though I acknowledge the 3 Nephi plan and the Enoch Plan, even the Beatitude plan has a long way to go. I guess it will have to start with me more than I thought.
Thanks.
I agree that we need to de a better job of uplifting each other for its own sake. As I have moved my family across the country several times for career advances, I have observed how much of a difference just one true friend makes in our level of ward integration. So I would say that we need to be better friends to each other. Your other point is also very good, that we should also befriend inactives or non-members with no strings attached. Simply because we want to be friends.
Mom3, I think you can communicate with you ward leadership that you don’t like their methods. I know it sounds easier than it really is, but simply don’t let yourself become a ward project. It takes two people tango and you don’t have to dance. Be polite, but firm. First, here is another thread about being a ward project: http://forum.staylds.com/viewtopic.php?f=5&t=2115&hilit=ward+project I feel for you, mom3, but I tend to look at the other side of it and try to react as charitably as possible –
which I sense you trying to do.People are human, and people react differently to different approaches. We can’t get around that – and the alternative to trying to reach out to people is not to reach out to people.
I have a lot of sympathy for people who try, even when they end up doing it it ways that aren’t appropriate for some people. Most people who try really are sincere in their efforts; they just suck at it – or, in most cases, aren’t in tune with the other person’s personality or core needs enough to do it effectively. People tend to want one thing they can do for everyone, but people are more complicated than that – just like one parenting model often doesn’t work for every child in a family.
I know some people are offended by efforts to “rescue” – but those same people often complain when nobody reaches out to them. It is the proverbial two-edged sword – and many people just aren’t good swordsman.
If you do mention it to your local leadership, I would pick one person whom you think will understand – and start by expressing how much you appreciate their expression of love and concern. I would think very carefully about how you would like to be served (what you would like the mom3 project to be organized) and explain that to the person – asking him or her to share what you have said with the person(s) organizing the project. If that is extensive help in some way, great; if it is nothing but prayers for you, great; if it is something between those extremes, great.
Then, and this is the most important thing, let go of any expectations that they actually can give you what you want. After all, they are human and might screw it up again. Letting go isn’t easy, but it’s important – since I believe expectations are the primary cause of the vast majority of the issues we face in this life when it comes to interpersonal relationships.
Thank you everyone for your thoughts. Thank you also for a board to go to when you need to unwind. After I wrote my OP I took off to my mom responsibilites, while I waited to watch my son perform, I vented more fully in my journal. (Side note I hope my journal isn’t used for any book of scripture – it’s too volatile). As I began to cool down I had a series of peaceful, happier responses to this situation. The idea that stuck the most was that “Be the change you wish to see.” Last of all, it’s up to me to decide how this experience is going to effect me.
So off I go to begin My Project.
🙂 mom3 wrote:. . . . I am a ward project. It is a weird feeling to know you are. At moments it makes you real angry, then sad, then grateful.
The grateful part right now is that I get to experience the church’s style of response and treatment – there are amazing lessons in it. Lessons I will likely never get to apply as a leader, but lessons I have decided I can apply as a member. The number one lesson is to be sincere friends with people.
I am feeling for you right now; I can imagine the weirdness of it. Best wishes, and I think it shows a lot of spiritual maturity to be looking for lessons.
I was repeatedly a project after my family moved from Vegas to Utah when I was 17. I didn’t attend for while and then one day 3 priests showed up. They got me going to activities and I felt great. I had new friends and all was well. .. except after I attended church 3 weeks in a row they stopped calling and inviting me, they didn’t care when they saw me at school…nothing.
So I went inactive again. Sure enough, a month later here they come again. So I went back to church and we hung out and once I was “reactivated” it stopped again. I was very angry and stopped going. They tried again a month later but i told them i was fine not going. And I didn’t go for years after that simply because I was so amazed by how fake it all was.
On the other hand I’m currently a project. My main “fellowshipper” is a great guy. He is just my friend and rarely brings up church. And he’s never pressured me to come back. But he makes me feel like going back. When I do go I feel welcome because of him. It’s easy to see he’s genuine.
Incidentally, when I decided to go on a mission (at 24) those fellowshippers from high school found out from their parents and I got messages like “great! I knew we’d get you on a mission!” It was hilarious. Total jerks and 5 years later they have the gall to try and take credit for me leaving on a mission. Their fellowshipping probably set me back a couple years on leaving but there was the smug self righteousness…
Ugh…
The people that in my experience are good at fellowshipping are good at being real friends. They’re the ones that would be your friend whether or not you become active.
It’s something I tried to stress on my mission when we talked to members about missionary work. I tried to stress that more important than inviting to church or trying to share a testimony was just talking to their neighbors and becoming friends. Invite them over for a BBQ or something…not as a means to an end of converting then…but just because its nice.
I think the same works for less-actives like myself.
I’m sorry, what does “I’m a project” mean exactly? Bds, It’s when someone has taken notice of your inactivity or some other sign you aren’t totally with the program. Sometimes the person who notices tries to fellowship you. Sometimes your name starts coming up in meetings and someone is assigned to fellowship you. Sometimes a group is assigned.
The implication is also that their motives are something other than genuinely carrying about you. They’re doing it because of an assignment or to feel like they did good bringing someone back. Then as in my case once you’re “fixed” they’ve done their part and don’t have to worry about you anymore.
Is not necessarily a sinister motivation, just not genuine. And not many of us like the thought of the Ward Council discussing how to “fix” us in their meeting.
Ewwww. Yeah that’s kinda gross in a way. I’ve never been party To anything like that. Bds, In my case it is so direct and obvious it’s almost funny. This past Sunday after Sacrament Meeting a councilor in the Bishopric grabbed me by the arm and asked if he could talk to me. I actually thought I was being released from my calling, that would make me sad. I love my calling. But no he just wanted to ask or confirm that he and I would be working together on the Stake Day of Service event, as we had last year. Inside I laughed. Here I was in this formal meeting with a Bishopric member to see if I will participate in something I’ve helped out with for two years. It’s not that I mind his asking, I appreciate it. Lives do change, things aren’t always the same. It was just the seriousness and professionalism he did it with. At that point, I let it go as a personal style thing he had.
However, in between his grabbing me to meet with me, the new Relief Society President cornered me, and asked if she could chat for a moment. I said yes, after I met with Bro. So and So. Her face kind of froze. That was my first sign. Clearly everyone had rushed out of ward council with my name on their lips. To ease her tension, I made a joke and said, “I’m just popular today, everyone wants me.” She chuckled.
On Sunday though we didn’t talk. Which was fine. Tuesday though she called – She is my new visiting teacher. Wow can we be more obvious, I don’t know. Again I let it slide. I joked with her about being awfully busy to be my visiting teacher. (She works full time and is the RS – really – no one else could take me.) She gave me this story of sister whomever making new routes and there I was. I’ve been in the RS presidency and the Stake RS presidency. I know the drill. She talked and asked questions for 30 minutes. All about my family, etc. It was nice. I let it go. I do remember mentioning at one point that if she was too busy she could just say hi at church. Her answer was, no, people want to feel that someone cares. I reassured her I felt cared for.
With those two experiences out of the way, I moved on, hoping the project would be complete. Then yesterday I returned home and my daughter said, “Oh mom, the sister missionaries from your ward came by, they were looking for you.” Sweet. Our stake is part of a new mission that is being created. Everyone is so excited because every ward will now have their own missionaries. No more sharing. Again all of this is fine. Except that we aren’t a high baptizing area. We’ve haven’t been in the twenty years I’ve lived here. So the creation of a complete mission of our own is strange to me. Anyway, by the time I let myself accept all the pieces of the puzzle – I was mad. I am not that inactive. I attend a good 80 – 90% of the time. I fulfill my calling. I love my calling. The idea just irritated me.
Today though I am not only Okay, but really not worried. Life is full of opportunities, and this is a great one. I look forward to meeting it head on and answering it in the way it works best for me.
wuwei wrote:I was repeatedly a project after my family moved from Vegas to Utah when I was 17. I didn’t attend for while and then one day 3 priests showed up. They got me going to activities and I felt great. I had new friends and all was well.
.. except after I attended church 3 weeks in a row they stopped calling and inviting me, they didn’t care when they saw me at school…nothing.
So I went inactive again. Sure enough, a month later here they come again. So I went back to church and we hung out and once I was “reactivated” it stopped again. I was very angry and stopped going. They tried again a month later but i told them i was fine not going. And I didn’t go for years after that simply because I was so amazed by how fake it all was.
On the other hand I’m currently a project. My main “fellowshipper” is a great guy. He is just my friend and rarely brings up church. And he’s never pressured me to come back. But he makes me feel like going back. When I do go I feel welcome because of him. It’s easy to see he’s genuine.
Incidentally, when I decided to go on a mission (at 24) those fellowshippers from high school found out from their parents and I got messages like “great! I knew we’d get you on a mission!” It was hilarious. Total jerks and 5 years later they have the gall to try and take credit for me leaving on a mission. Their fellowshipping probably set me back a couple years on leaving but there was the smug self righteousness…
Ugh…
The people that in my experience are good at fellowshipping are good at being real friends. They’re the ones that would be your friend whether or not you become active.
It’s something I tried to stress on my mission when we talked to members about missionary work. I tried to stress that more important than inviting to church or trying to share a testimony was just talking to their neighbors and becoming friends. Invite them over for a BBQ or something…not as a means to an end of converting then…but just because its nice.
I think the same works for less-actives like myself.
Your fellowshipper reminds me of a Neal A. Maxwell quote: “Quiet sustained goodness is the order of heaven, not conspicuous but episodic busyness.”
wuwei wrote:I was repeatedly a project after my family moved from Vegas to Utah when I was 17. I didn’t attend for while and then one day 3 priests showed up. They got me going to activities and I felt great. I had new friends and all was well.
.. except after I attended church 3 weeks in a row they stopped calling and inviting me, they didn’t care when they saw me at school…nothing.
So I went inactive again. Sure enough, a month later here they come again. So I went back to church and we hung out and once I was “reactivated” it stopped again. I was very angry and stopped going. They tried again a month later but i told them i was fine not going. And I didn’t go for years after that simply because I was so amazed by how fake it all was.
On the other hand I’m currently a project. My main “fellowshipper” is a great guy. He is just my friend and rarely brings up church. And he’s never pressured me to come back. But he makes me feel like going back. When I do go I feel welcome because of him. It’s easy to see he’s genuine.
Incidentally, when I decided to go on a mission (at 24) those fellowshippers from high school found out from their parents and I got messages like “great! I knew we’d get you on a mission!” It was hilarious. Total jerks and 5 years later they have the gall to try and take credit for me leaving on a mission. Their fellowshipping probably set me back a couple years on leaving but there was the smug self righteousness…
Ugh…
The people that in my experience are good at fellowshipping are good at being real friends. They’re the ones that would be your friend whether or not you become active.
It’s something I tried to stress on my mission when we talked to members about missionary work. I tried to stress that more important than inviting to church or trying to share a testimony was just talking to their neighbors and becoming friends. Invite them over for a BBQ or something…not as a means to an end of converting then…but just because its nice.
I think the same works for less-actives like myself.
Your fellowshipper reminds me of a Neal A. Maxwell quote: “Quiet sustained goodness is the order of heaven, not conspicuous but episodic busyness.”
Ann wrote:
Your fellowshipper reminds me of a Neal A. Maxwell quote: “Quiet sustained goodness is the order of heaven, not conspicuous but episodic busyness.”Wise words, those.
Unfortunately It’s my experience that as far as fellowshipping goes, 5 minutes of being a busybody can undo months of quiet sustained goodness.
Perhaps I let the small things get to me too much…
An interesting flip side to this in our ward is that we no longer have home and visiting teachers. The idea is that people that are struggling need the attention and those that are doing ok don’t. My wife is is a true believer in the gospel though the church occasionally gives her some heart burn and nobody knows how I feel so they took us off the list. One of the values of keeping your opinions to yourself and staying under the radar but doesn’t make Sunday a day to look forward to.
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