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I live in a underprivileged (read poor) neighborhood. Many of the people are undereducated, barely graduating high school. Although there are some well-educated folks, most are a bit slow and really struggle with understanding gospel concepts, don’t speak well, etc. Sacrament meeting usually consists of someone reading a talk given by a GA (slowly and struggling while reading). There is no inflection, excitement, and it’s impossible to listen to for any length of time. I feel like it’s un-Christian to say that it drives me crazy. I feel like the right thing is to be more understanding. I have been, for 7 years! However, I can’t take it anymore! I feel like I’m in a remedial ward. All we talk about are the very basics of the gospel. It’s as boring as boring can be! Not to mention, one can’t have a decent discussion. The answer is always to not question and only believe! I feel like my spiritual growth is totally stunted. It’s like the people here don’t ask or question anything. They just do whatever they are told to do. Not an original thought to be had. Ugh.
I’d continue to suffer through except…. I have a teenage daughter. She can’t stand going to YW in our ward. She goes to a different school than they do (we are in Utah, so this is a big deal!). They don’t talk to her or interact with her, not the girls, not the leaders. I’ve talked to them about trying to include her, but it’s fallen on deaf ears. So I’ve been sending her to another ward in a different Salt Lake suburb, where my friend is the YW President. She loves it there, she is treated well by the girls, the leaders, the bishop, everyone! I’m happy to keep sending her there.
Now my daughter doesn’t want to go to SM in our ward, she wants to attend the other ward. I totally understand. I hated YW growing up myself for reasons I won’t go into right now. I am happy to send her to the other ward. The Bishop of the other ward is thrilled to have her. I am just tired of the pressure I get from my ward leaders about bringing her to my ward. I’ve asked them to pay attention to her, but they don’t even say hello to her. I think they only want her because their numbers look better.
My DH is supportive of her going to the other ward, we love that she feels accepted there. I’d love to go their ward too! Why doesn’t the Church allow us to change wards when we are miserable in our own ward? I’m tired of putting up with the uneducated, uninformed unfriendly ward. I am considering going inactive or moving so I can find a ward that isn’t so…. stuck? I can’t describe it. It’s discouraging. I never feel uplifted, except when I’m in Primary, because kids are kids wherever you go. Any advice?
My advice is simple: Attend the other ward – whether by moving or by staying where you are and not attending there.
Quote:Why doesn’t the Church allow us to change wards when we are miserable in our own ward?
The Church can’t stop you, as long as you don’t care if your records stay in the official ward. You might not get regular callings or assignments, but that isn’t your call.
As I’ve said in other threads here, I understand and don’t mind the geographic nature of our congregations – and I don’t want free-for-all, no-holds barred ward shopping and all of its attendant pressures and issues. An important part of the current structure is learning to accept different people and how that contributes in a real way to establishing Zion – but it sounds like you have tried what you can do and aren’t getting the support you need at the organizational level. So . . .
Move officially or just start attending the other ward.
There is another recent thread about this same issue. It is titled “You can have a strong family without having a home ward”, and the link is:
http://forum.staylds.com/viewtopic.php?f=9&t=4284 Oh, and welcome to our group.
The only issue with attending another ward than the one your records are in is you may cause pushback at temple recommend time from leaders, particularly ones who don’t have a track record for being understanding. If your not concerned about that I can’t see any issues other than it will bug your old ward because of the numbers but I think happiness/sanity is worth quite a bit personally, but it is often pawned off as not too important by the counters of the numbers. It’s all about measuring fruits(regarding decisions), and happiness is probably the best fruit out there. Sent from my EVO using Tapatalk 2
Sorry you and your daughter are not happy in your ward! I like what Ray said about just attending the ward you want. However, I am curious about why your daughter attending a different school is a big deal? I’m a convert and don’t live in Utah so there are cultural things I don’t pick up on. Am I missing something? Just curious.
I do have one question: Why do you live where you live?
We live here for several reasons. My kids attend a Charter school, and we wanted to be fairly close so they could walk if I couldn’t drive them. We unfortunately bought at the height of the market, and are still quite a bit underwater on our mortgage, so moving would be a big challenge. If I get the opportunity to move, I’ll be ward shopping before I buy a house!
Attending a different school than other students, at least here in Utah, is that the kids have shared experiences at the school. Oftentimes conversations are based around certain teachers or assignments that students have. It can also be based around dances at the school, sporting events at the school, etc. If you are the only child that doesn’t attend that school, you aren’t able to fully participate in discussions. It is frustrating, particularly when you are shy. The other ward we’ve been attending has YW that attend charter, traditional and home school. Very few go to school together, and they are able to turn that into a strength rather than a weakness. The ward I officially belong to has an atmosphere of exclusion. It has for a long time, from what I gather.
Thank you so much for the support. I appreciate hearing that it’s really okay to attend a different ward. I need the validation that I’m making the right choice. It seems when I talk to my LDS “friends” they are appalled at the thought.
As I said, I don’t like the idea of attending whatever ward people want to attend, generally speaking. However, there are exceptional circumstances, and you aren’t the only person here who is facing such circumstances. Ultimately,
your family trumps policy– especially if you have tried your hardest to make the policy work. My former BP told me that I was free to attend any ward I chose, but my records would remain where I lived. That means you still pay your tithing through the official ward, your HT and VT are with the official ward members, and you cannot hold a calling in the new ward. HT never came. VT was uncomfortable. There was the elephant in the room as to why you are attending another ward. So all that stopped. I simply mailed tithing. I really missed my calling for a while, but I got used to the freedom
😳 . I found ways to volunteer time in my community.Our new ward was very welcoming. I really appreciated how the Primary Pres made sure DD was welcomed. I have to say, I thought she would get forgotten since she wasn’t on the roll, but that never happened. DH was asked to “substitute” youth classes many times. I substituted too, but not as much (I am not a good teacher). You just can’t have an official call, but if you have a cooperative ward you can “substitute” every week.
It is the TR that is the thing. You have to go through your official BP for that, and if he is not cooperative, then you have a problem.
It took us about 3 years to be able to make the move to the new ward. We moved one mile. We were unable to sell our house so we rent it out. It costs us $6,000 a year more than the rent we collect. I just tell myself that it is like putting money into a retirement acct. In 20 years, I can sell the house and get my money back.
We love our new ward, nothing could make me go back to the old ward. Our BP is great, we thought he knew our reasons for changing wards because he was being so great. Turns out, DH went for his TR after we made the move (about 41/2 years after attending) and BP never knew, and never asked, why we had started attending his ward. He was just glad to see us at church.
Point is — different wards have different personalities. There are people in my old ward that just love it and would never want to change. Me….not so much. Like Ray said, you have to do what is good for your family. Don’t go inactive over it.
It is all easy in hindsight, but it was a difficult 3 years. SD mentioned in his posting that he felt like a man without a ward….I used that same expression many times only I was a woman without a ward. You get through it though, and you gain more empathy for people who are outside the “norm.”
A while back I’m sure there was a letter saying that people could attend other units without permission. Does anyone else remember that? I’m going to sound like a “Jesus Lover” here. But why are we worried about people in the ward so much instead of just focusing on Him! It seems like this church puts family and “wards” far above the Saviour. I wish our block was shorter. And not so much correlation but more worship through songs and scripture of Him. But I know I’d need to go to another faith to get that on Sunday. I don’t advocate for people to leave a ward either. I do think that being assigned a ward is good. I have met people that I wouldn’t have if I were picking and choosing a ward. They have helped me on my path towards salvation. I think part of our journey here is to learn to love others and what better way than through a ward of many differing personalities? When it starts to drag on a kids self-esteem, or your own, it’s time for an alternative. I have just been unsure what that alternative should be. I agree, church should be more about the Savior, however, I find that the people of your ward are a large part of your experience in the church. If you don’t like the experience, it can be a challenge to feel the spirit in the meeting because you are uncomfortable.
My BP has decided that if during the passing of the sacrament you are out in the foyer (or do we still call it a foy-ay?) you will not have the sacrament brought to you. It doesn’t matter the reason, you are late, you are out there with your screaming child, you were coughing and stepped out for a drink. He says there are plenty of seats in the chapel, and you should be in the chapel if you want to take the sacrament. Sounds good in theory. What actually happens is there is always a screaming child, and I don’t mean a baby or a kid who can be soothed quickly, but a particular 2 year old who screams at the top of his lungs during the prayers, the announcements, the sacrament that no one takes out because they’ll miss out on the sacrament.
:crazy: If someone is coughing, they keep on sharing their germs with all of us because they don’t want to miss the sacrament. People wander in during the sacrament prayers dragging their families (and let’s face it, walking in with a load of children no matter how reverent they are is disruptive). It is not a time for quiet reflection of your covenants, its a circus!! Personally, I’d trade off with my husband which one of us would miss sacrament to take care of our young child if this rule had existed when my kids were young. I’ve missed sacrament when I’ve been sick, on vacation or whatever and guess what? the world doesn’t end.Quote:My BP has decided that if during the passing of the sacrament you are out in the foyer (or do we still call it a foy-ay?) you will not have the sacrament brought to you.
That is directly opposed to the direction and policy of the Church – and it is flat-out wrong.
It also is another example of how even the most hardline, conservative members are buffet Mormons who pick and choose what fits their own taste. Every. single. member. is. a. buffet. member.
People in your ward are a very big part of the church experience. Fellowship is the reason we meet together isn’t it? We could all just study the scriptures at home, but we meet together to teach each other. When you attend another ward, you find out quickly who was your friend and who was not. Women that I had VT, and had VT me would see me at the store and quickly look away and avoid me. Not all, just some. I can’t blame them. I used to be them. I hated to be assigned to VT an inactive/less active because it was uncomfortable and I would avoid them if I could. Not to be mean, I just didn’t know what to say or do. But now on the other side I can see how painful it is.
Now, I have learned what to do when you cross paths with someone outside of the “norm”. You say “Hi.” Like you know them. That’s all… it isn’t hard.
So being that I am guilty of the avoiding behavior as well, I have decided to change that. I was in Costco and one of my former ward members avoided me as she has done many times in the last five years. Instead of being insulted, I pushed my cart down the isle, stepped up to her and said “Hi Mary. How are you? How are your daughters?” And then I finished my shopping. Gosh, and I lived.
In my case, I just can’t go back to that ward. Unfortunately, my husband had an affair with a woman in that ward. She was the primary chorister, and I was in nursery so every week we sat and sang primary songs together. It was very hard as I began to suspect the betrayal. I stayed in the ward for two weeks after learning for sure. In SM I would give her dirty looks and she would smile back at me. Very immature on both of our parts. Children were involved and for their well being, one of us had to leave. There was no healing, no learning the gospel going on. The BP was glad to have me leave, as he didn’t want the ward members to know what had happened and I (by giving dirty looks) was making that increasingly hard to contain.
My husband and I have worked things out. We continue to work on our marriage. As a family we are stronger. Policy will never trump family for me. Yes, we need to focus on Christ, but there has to be an environment that allows for that.
Hey, sorry, I realize that I thread jacked there and made it about me and it should be about you. The point I meant to make to make this a learning experience for yourself. In any ward you are in from now on, you will know that there will be someone who is going through what you are going through today. What would you like to see happen for you right now? Would you like your current ward members to be more accepting, loving, kind? Then in the future you can be the person that is accepting, loving, kind.
Sometimes there seems to be no good answer as to why we go through our trials. I can’t pretend to know why bad things happen. But I believe that sometimes the Lord gives us the trial that teaches us exactly what we need, so we can help others.
Just wanted to throw in here that people can request ward changes and if leadership agrees, you can go to the new ward and have callings and temple recommends. But I know people from other areas that were shocked that we were in full status with having gone through an out of ward formal change. If you feel that the only way to hang on to your daughter and keep her active is to keep her in the other ward, you should try requesting through leadership to have permission to switch wards. From what I understand, both bishops as well as stake president need to be in agreement.
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