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My husband comes from a very TBM family. His parents are the extreme kind of members. I previously posted about his reaction when I told him I was questioning some things in the church. He was more shocked than I thought he’d be and his knee-jerk reaction was to tell me that if I ever left the church we wouldn’t be together. Thankfully he came around pretty fast and things have been better since then. This week we attended his youngest sister’s high school graduation. We sat with his oldest brother and away from his parents. During our conversations, his brother revealed that he hasn’t attended church in 3 years and his parents have no idea. He didn’t go into great detail about how or why he decided to stop attending. It wasn’t really the ideal place for an in-depth conversation.
So in the last couple of days since the graduation, I’ve noticed that my husband is more willing to talk about issues we both have with the church. On the drive home from the graduation (it was two hours away) we talked about his brother and my husband told me how he hadn’t wanted to serve a mission after his two older brothers both came home from their missions bitter and angry with the world, but his parents had lectured him for hours using scriptures and prophet quotes and he basically finally gave in and went. (Yes, they do lecture for hours. My husband and I sat through a two hour one early on in our marriage.)
Last night I was telling him about a blog I’d read that was discussing how the church culture surrounding marrying young and having children no matter your circumstances can be really hurtful. As I read the post, it was pretty much what we had experienced in our early years of marriage. This opened up the discussion to issues with the pressures received through the church on a variety of things and he shared with me some of his issues with the temple, his mission, and the way his parents have handled certain situations because they were following the prophet.
It was so great to have him finally be open with me about all of these things and I actually felt free to offer my opinions without worrying too much about how he would take it. He also agreed with me about teaching our kids more openly than our parents did. We want them to know that they have a choice in all things and that marrying in the temple or marrying only an RM or serving a mission can be good things, but are not any guarantees of happiness and if they choose not to do those things, they can still be happy and they will always have our love and support.
Anyway, just wanted to share.
🙂 That’s great! 
I also had really good luck talking to my wife this week. I’ve been feeling so alone about it. She called me on my inactivity and we had a largely unpleasant talk. She never said the “if you aren’t active i don’t know if we can be together” thing luckily, but she wasn’t happy.
But I’ve been trying to show increased affeciton and caring and show that just because the church doesn’t mean what it used to to me that I’m not a different person.
So then a couple nights ago it came up again and I was able to get almost everything off my chest. Not too many specifics about issues, but the ones I shared she sympathized with. We have a hard time talking about it sometimes because I have incredibly hurt feelings right now from feeling like the church lied to me for most of my life. She wasn’t brought up in primary or anything so she doesn’t understand that feeling of betrayal. She never had “the church is perfect” idea drilled into her head so she’s not quite able to understand how hard that realization has been. But she was very understanding and feels better about me not attending all the time. She wants to study church history more. I’m not sure what she’s hoping to find. I’m not sure what part I want to play in her joining us down the rabbit hole either. But I don’t get the feeling she wants to study it to try and fix me. And I appreciate that.
I know it’s a different issue from your husband’s, but I think that a little time to let them process coupled with a good demonstration that you still love them and care about them and aren’t becoming a totally different person goes a long way.
The church teaches us to build our lives and marriages around it so much that when that gets yanked out it can feel like the glue that held us together is suddenly gone. Especially since for many of us the church was one of the biggest things we had in common…and it’s been taught at church that it’s really all you need in common…ugh.
But I feel like getting the church out from between me and my wife’s relationship makes me love her even more.
That’s great news. Take your time. I was the TBM husband once. I also, I’m sad to say, contemplated the implications of my wife’s beliefs for our relationship. I never said ‘you attend or I leave’ – but it certainly created friction. By showing respect to me and never pushing any of the history onto my lap, she took the better way. We’ve developed a far stronger relationship as a result.
I’m glad to read that, May. Thanks guys. wuwei wrote:I know it’s a different issue from your husband’s, but I think that a little time to let them process coupled with a good demonstration that you still love them and care about them and aren’t becoming a totally different person goes a long way.
It does go a long way. I think now he’s starting to realize that I’m still me and I feel like we’re growing closer together as a result. He offered to study history together too, but I haven’t asked him to. I don’t think it would do anyone any good. He is starting to openly question some things a bit more on his own and I occasionally offer little bits of history that I find when preparing my gospel doctrine lessons that he didn’t know before.wuwei wrote:I can love her for her.
Exactly! I’m feeling this too with my husband now. Instead of seeing him as the priesthood holder/leader of our home who should be doing x, y, and z, I’m really seeing him the way he is and loving him more and more everyday. I used to be frustrated that he wasn’t the TBM ideal husband and now I’m so grateful for that.
mackay11 wrote:By showing respect to me and never pushing any of the history onto my lap, she took the better way. We’ve developed a far stronger relationship as a result.
This is what I’m trying to do and so far it’s going really well and our relationship is most definitely growing.🙂
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