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Just wanted to share something here, and get perceptions. As you know, due to repeated bullying and negative experiences in our home ward, and also instability in my work, we picked a Ward and have started attending. The Bishop gave permission for us to attend on a temporary basis, although we cannot hold callings, get TR’s, etcetera. My daughter has blossomed there. There is no bullying. She gets along with the girls amazingly, and they are all very intelligent, kind girls. The leaders gush over her. She went to one of the most well-organized YW camps and then received commentary in Sacrament meeting afterwards about her contributions. Leaders approached me and complemented me on her maturity etcetera. She never makes any kind of negative comments about the Ward, and has developed friendships — something she has had trouble doing for some time. There were almost 30 girls at the camp. At church one of two of her friends approached me because they wanted to meet me! How uncommon for a 14 year old girl to be so proactive with adults that way!
And now, there is a strong chance I will be laid off. The family does not seem to have the big picture. When I say I don’t know where we will move– that if I can find a job close to home (our existing home is 20 minutes from the new Ward, I would rather not incur the expense of moving since the schools, house, neighborhood etcetera all work well) they are angry with me. I was offered a job at a school 2 minutes from my house by my old supervisor. A management position, and I didn’t take it due to the fact my work is paying for a PhD….but that job is now a possibility.
Today, my daughter is giving me a “gentle cold shoulder”. I asked her why, and she said it was due to the fact I have implied there is no chance of us moving into the new Ward given all the uncertainties in my work.
I am very frustrated. Frustrated that the church policies are such that for me to do what is best for my family, I must incur thousands of dollars in transaction fees, and upheaval. Frustrated that sacrament meeting attendance in my home Ward has fallen by about 50% since the new leadership took over, and the program has no YW in it. Activities are poorly planned. And as a former leader, I know first hand the Ward has weak execution and respect for their leaders. At what point does the church feel an obligation to the needs of their individual members? I am very frustrated right now. This is the first time I have had such deep-seated animosity between myself and my daughter.
Think about the following, seriously and as analytically as possible: Why are you having this turmoil?
Why can’t you accept living in the old ward, and attending the new ward?
Bluntly, the Church only controls you to the extent that you let it, and attending a different ward than the one in which you live is rare but happens. It’s not like you are demanding something that never is granted.
My advice:
Quit agonizing over it and do what’s best for your family. If any stake leader asks, tell them the truth about the bullying in the other ward and that you can’t put your daughter through that anymore, especially now that she is blossoming in the new ward. Tell them you would move in a heartbeat if it was financially possible and that you are willing to sacrifice callings and even a temple recommend to keep your family safe and happy.
Phrased that way, it’s both honest and framed in such a way that it will be hard for someone to object – and they can’t forbid you to attend the new ward, especially if you are willing to give up the traditional “perks” associated with attending your geographic ward.
I would say your daughter is just being a teen. She doesn’t understand what it takes to provide and pay bills etc. Employment should be priority number one…the church and social structure is of secondary importance. She’ll come to that realization eventually.
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Where I live it’s not that rare. I can think of half a dozen families who live outside the boundaries of the ward they attend. One of them is actually the bishop of the ward he attends. Yes, it’s odd but it’s done. Do what is best for your family. Old-Timer wrote:Think about the following, seriously and as analytically as possible:
1. Why are you having this turmoil?
2. Why can’t you accept living in the old ward, and attending the new ward?
The answer to question number 1 is because the my wife and daughter can’t do what you’re suggesting in number 2. They want full fellowship.
I personally am quite comfortable with living in one Ward, and then attending another. In other words, I personally have accepted number 2 above. It has a number of advantages. One, expectations are lower of myself as a priesthood holder which is what I need right now. I get to stay in a location that I like, with no additional cost. It provides a sense of freedom of choice. I love the idea. Aboslutely love the arrangement where I accept living in an old ward, and attending a new one.
Quote:
My advice:Quit agonizing over it and do what’s best for your family.
Not convinced its wise, prudent and even good for the family in the long run to move out of a house we own, figure out how to rent it out or sell it, move to a new home (rent or buy) in a Ward that may not meet our needs given instability in my work, and a possible lay off that could propel me to find a different job somewhere in North America. And by the way, I’m the only one in the family with the wherewhithal to pull it off. Huge upheaval.
Quote:If any stake leader asks, tell them the truth about the bullying in the other ward and that you can’t put your daughter through that anymore, especially now that she is blossoming in the new ward. Tell them you would move in a heartbeat if it was financially possible and that you are willing to sacrifice callings and even a temple recommend to keep your family safe and happy.
Phrased that way, it’s both honest and framed in such a way that it will be hard for someone to object – and they can’t forbid you to attend the new ward, especially if you are willing to give up the traditional “perks” associated with attending your geographic ward.
We discussed this privately and the consensus was that the church is largely inflexible with requests like this. People who want to attend a Ward outside their stake need FP approval and are perceived poorly.
I think discussion could focus on helping the family recognize the practical reasons it’s better just to stay in a holding pattern. When or if my work stabilizes, figure out what to do then. Problem is, they are so excited about the new Ward they are being very impatient.
cwald wrote:I would say your daughter is just being a teen.
She doesn’t understand what it takes to provide and pay bills etc. Employment should be priority number one…the church and social structure is of secondary importance. She’ll come to that realization eventually.
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Thanks Cwald….that is how I see it. I think the problem is that my family just had a powerful experience in the new Ward and are having trouble accepting the possibility we may not be able to move there. I am thinking the best approach might be to lead them in a prayer that the Lord will lead us to a solution that fits our needs the best way possible. Present the conflicting views in prayer, and let them rely on the TBM attitudes and basic spirituality and blessings of goodness from God. And then leave it in his hands. I can’t predict the future.
Just because I’m unorthodox does not mean that one still can’t rely on God to help us solve our problems. This will also help the family find the inner fortitude to be patient during this period of uncertainty and discomfort. Again, as I said to Ray, I’m quite comfortable with the arrangement provided the Bishop and formal leadership doesn’t push us back to the old Ward.
Curious, is it stated in the handbook that those who do not attend their geographic home ward cannot enjoy full membership rights? We have at least 3 individuals/families in our ward who live outside the boundaries. One of those has been RS pres and primary pres and others have all held leadership positions.
Thanks for the clarification. Is there someone at the stake level with whom you could speak openly about the issues in your home ward and ask directly about maintaining full standing if you attend the new ward?
I agree with cwald that your daughter is just being a teen. And I also suggest you meet with the stake leadership about your situation. Explain why this makes their job of running the stake much much easier (the issues with bullying are over with no further escalation, you & your family can serve and fill callings), not harder (allowing one exception means everyone will want the same). rich wrote:Curious, is it stated in the handbook that those who do not attend their geographic home ward cannot enjoy full membership rights?
We have at least 3 individuals/families in our ward who live outside the boundaries. One of those has been RS pres and primary pres and others have all held leadership positions.
It can be done, but only with FP approval when you cross stake boundaries.
I am sorry Silent Dawning that you are dealing with this! Hang tough, your situation will pass! However, I see a tremendous opportunity here for you and your family. This is a great opportunity for your daughter to realize that life is not fair and you sometimes need to make the best out of a tough situation. In addition, your new job whatever it is could bring all kinds of great new things into your life.
Have you tried explaining to your daughter that if you possibly don’t move you will not be able to pay for things like clothing, food, education, YW camps and housing?
CWALD make some great points! Your 14 year old daughter is probably just scared about the prospect of change and giving you the cold shoulder is just her coping mechanism. It is part of a teenagers job description if you ask me.
I strongly feel that the most important thing is that you and your wife are on the same page.
AngryMormon wrote:I am sorry Silent Dawning that you are dealing with this! Hang tough, your situation will pass!
However, I see a tremendous opportunity here for you and your family. This is a great opportunity for your daughter to realize that life is not fair and you sometimes need to make the best out of a tough situation. In addition, your new job whatever it is could bring all kinds of great new things into your life.
Have you tried explaining to your daughter that if you possibly don’t move you will not be able to pay for things like clothing, food, education, YW camps and housing?
CWALD make some great points! Your 14 year old daughter is probably just scared about the prospect of change and giving you the cold shoulder is just her coping mechanism. It is part of a teenagers job description if you ask me.
I strongly feel that the most important thing is that you and your wife are on the same page.
yes, I explained all that to her. For the first time in my life, she gave me the silent treatment. We have had a wonderful relationship until now. I’m sure it will pass.
SilentDawning wrote:AngryMormon wrote:I am sorry Silent Dawning that you are dealing with this! Hang tough, your situation will pass!
However, I see a tremendous opportunity here for you and your family. This is a great opportunity for your daughter to realize that life is not fair and you sometimes need to make the best out of a tough situation. In addition, your new job whatever it is could bring all kinds of great new things into your life.
Have you tried explaining to your daughter that if you possibly don’t move you will not be able to pay for things like clothing, food, education, YW camps and housing?
CWALD make some great points! Your 14 year old daughter is probably just scared about the prospect of change and giving you the cold shoulder is just her coping mechanism. It is part of a teenagers job description if you ask me.
I strongly feel that the most important thing is that you and your wife are on the same page.
yes, I explained all that to her. For the first time in my life, she gave me the silent treatment. We have had a wonderful relationship until now. I’m sure it will pass.
Sorry Silent Dawning.
Hang in there. She will get through it and so will you. Here is what I think I know 😆 about teenage girls…. well… some girls… they can often feel things on a much deeper level. What might hurt to some people REALLY may seem like the end of the world for the “overly feeling” type of girls. I am one of these types. I used to hate that I was this way.. now I embrace it and love my passion. I literally THREW a plate of food at my dad because he asked me “are you going to eat all of that?” (I thought he was calling me fat)…., hahah I can laugh now. Gosh, for your sake I hope your daughter isn’t as dramatic
Anyway, I wonder if my parents worried that they were ruining my life when we moved.I left a school that I was popular, dance team, and all of my best friends. It wasn’t easy, but I lived. I went to three different high schools in 3 years. Now I grew up and I get to embrace all of the challenges that I had growing up. I think every experience that we have in life can be used for our benefit if we choose to see it that way.
I hope I didn’t sound insensitive to your daughter… I really feel for her pain… b/c I can imagine how REAL it feels to her. But I would like to suggest that maybe you are taking more responsibility in her happiness than is needed. You sound like a very loving and caring dad. That is all she needs from you, is for you to do what you feel is right in your heart and to know that she is loved and accepted by you. I feel rest will fall into place with time. I think y’all just being willing to go to another ward for her is saying so much about how willing you are willing to go for her! What a lucky girl.
Thanks Open — the tension passed. She stopped cold shouldering me (without apology) so the moment is over. This idea of moving into a new Ward is not an open topic anymore; I have to be careful not to let the conversation go there, and when it does come up, keep it vague yet hopefully supportive. Living with uncertainty is part of life.
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