Can’t get over judging people

If it’s out in the open like that then it’s obviously not something he looks at in secret. At least there’s some honesty with his wife. Maybe they both like it. Maybe it’s a “marital aid.”

Having said that, while I think the church goes a little over the top with the anti-porn rhetoric and turn it into a monster that keeps calling to be fed, I don’t think it should be normalised in the way some people tend to want to do.

I’m not sure any of this will help you, but just wanted to offer a couple of thoughts.

One more thing….

I think I have progressed to the churches stance of not agreeing with porn just because its ‘addictive’ and ‘bad’ without any further explanation to actually exploring why it doesn’t sit well with me is because it truly is just an awful industry. Just the other day I watched a documentary on tv about tweenager girls trying to become models in Russia to feed their families and get them out of poverty and when that doesn’t work out the transition to the sex industry is just natural because their so used to posing for a camera.

Sorry if I’m all over the place and this doesn’t make sense. I just feel I live in a world where everyone pretty much watches porn thinking it doesn’t harm anyone but doesn’t have empathy for the individual. Even if it is their choice, they run the risk of disease. Theres just so many implications.

I agree. Porn is an awful industry and ruins so many lives. I’d say the consumers of porn see it as an object and don’t see the personal aspect of it as far as the individuals who make it. Does that make sense? The thinking is usually along the lines of “I’m looking at it and it’s not hurting anyone at all.” They don’t think of themselves as supporting an awful industry that destroys lives and exploits young girls and women.

I saw a similar documentary a while back and it made me so sad for these girls and women, many of whom just didn’t think they were capable of doing anything else with their lives. Anyway, I understand that it’s hard to reserve judgment on a topic that you are particularly passionate about. Maybe you could talk to your friends about it. Just mention…”Hey, I saw your magazine in the bedroom the other night and it reminded me of this documentary that I watched recently…..” and then go on to express your feelings about it while being sure not to make them feel like you’re condemning them or anything. Just kind of a sharing of information kind of thing. Don’t know if that helps, but it might be a way for you to bring a little awareness to those in your life, but still maintain the friendship.

On porn:

I don’t want to get into the moral aspect of porn, but let me throw out something to consider. Modern humans go back about 50,000 years. That’s a lot of hard-wiring into heterosexual males to be strongly interested in their one and only biological purpose… sex with females. The porn industry and the sex industry utilize a without-remorse exploitation of this subconscious drive in men.

On judging:

I knew a guy once that I was kind of chummy with. I heard him tell a racist joke, and I distanced myself from him. There is a difference between accepting other people for who they are and letting people into your inner circle. You don’t have to be friends with somebody you don’t want to be, and it doesn’t matter the reason. If you aren’t comfortable, then keep them at a distance. End of story. Obviously, we all need to be respectful of others and we need to make allowances that people have their own set of values, and as long as they aren’t directly hurting anyone else, their business is their business. But I don’t spend a lot of time hanging around people that I can’t be at ease with.

On your specific situation:

Personally, I think it is terribly inappropriate for this couple to invite you to sleep in their bed, when they have porn sitting out. I don’t know the situation in its entirety, but that sounds creepy to me. The porn itself doesn’t bother me; that’s between husband and wife and it sounds like they are probably open about it. But inviting you into that environment is poor taste at best, creepy at worst. If my wife or daughter where put in that situation, I would try to talk them out of ever going back.

On judging:

I knew a guy once that I was kind of chummy with. I heard him tell a racist joke, and I distanced myself from him. There is a difference between accepting other people for who they are and letting people into your inner circle. You don’t have to be friends with somebody you don’t want to be, and it doesn’t matter the reason. If you aren’t comfortable, then keep them at a distance. End of story. Obviously, we all need to be respectful of others and we need to make allowances that people have their own set of values, and as long as they aren’t directly hurting anyone else, their business is their business. But I don’t spend a lot of time hanging around people that I can’t be at ease with.

This makes sense and gets you out of the “but I shouldn’t judge, I shouldn’t judge” cycle.

If you don’t respect his/their choices, it would be strange if it didn’t factor into your thinking about them and your decision about how to interact with them.

I think it’s great to have standards but like I said, if you are going to be disappointed by men that have seen pornography then be prepared to be disappointed by every man that doesn’t lie to you.

I agree! It would be the very rare person, male or female, who hasn’t seen it and/or sought it out. (I remember there was a thread about this awhile ago, so this has probably been talked to death.)

Thanks for the feedback. Its good to just hear some thoughts to work through. The thing is is exactly what people have already stated, I CAN write people off that don’t agree with me thus not having to ‘judge’, however, assuming pretty much everyone has seen/uses porn that really isn’t an option…

I guess what I am stuck gnawing on in my brain is I can almost do some mental gymnastics of feeling at peace with someone who perhaps is tempted but tries their best to pick themself up, dust them off and try to be better next time, versus someone who just consumes porn believing it to be the norm, that it isn’t hurting anyone… this just grates at me. I guess I just can’t seem to piece in my head that if you view it that you are a good person.

And sorry if this has been discussed so many times before. I don’t know why this bothers me so much. Its just something I can’t seem to wrap my head around as yet. This family really didn’t intentionally leave it out, they had it in a big pile of their stuff and I was checking out their books. I don’t think its concealed from the wife either so there probably isn’t any hurt feelings between the two.

I just get my back up so much over it. I wish I didn’t, even if I don’t agree with it. I don’t know why it bothers me so much, I wish it didn’t. Things just have evolved so much from a playboy magazine where you know the model is making a thought out decision to limitless internet pictures/videos where you dont know under what circumstances it was made, even how old the girls are or if they were even a willing participant (theres so many pics that could even be circulating around that was supposed to only go to a boyfriend etc.) I just hope I piece something together before my boys become teens so I’m not a phyco mom! :wtf:

I don’t know why but I just can’t get over this…I was house sitting for a family last weekend (told I can sleep in the master bedroom). On each bedside table the parents have tons and tons of books just piled up. Among the pile I saw there were porn mags…I just honestly can’t look at this dad the same way again and almost am to the point that I just consider him a creep. Maybe a random place to ask for support but obviously I contribute this to my Mormon upbringing. I just keep telling myself inside that my husband had a problem with this before I met him and still has struggles but I consider him a good person…I’m thankful for my sensitivity however at the same time there have been guys in my life who mention something about porn or going to strip clubs and I just automatically can’t have the same relationship with them again and almost write them off. I know it sounds horrible but thats how I feel and now I just feel so gross about this guy.

…I guess what I am stuck gnawing on in my brain is I can almost do some mental gymnastics of feeling at peace with someone who perhaps is tempted but tries their best to pick themself up, dust them off and try to be better next time, versus someone who just consumes porn believing it to be the norm, that it isn’t hurting anyone…this just grates at me. I guess I just can’t seem to piece in my head that if you view it that you are a good person…I don’t know why it bothers me so much, I wish it didn’t. Things just have evolved so much from a playboy magazine where you know the model is making a thought out decision to limitless internet pictures/videos where you dont know under what circumstances it was made, even how old the girls are or if they were even a willing participant…

The irony of it is that this guy is really no different from the majority of other men but because you happen to know about it now the end result is that he has been perceived as some kind of deviant pervert with something seriously wrong with him. It’s a fairly typical emotional reaction and that’s why it’s no wonder that men will go out of their way to hide it and tell people what they want to hear while keeping their true feelings bottled up especially in the Church where viewing porn is treated as one of the absolute worst things they could possibly do. The truth is that this is just the way men are and even many men that actually don’t view porn anymore still have the same natural instinct to like it and they avoid it mostly because they think it is wrong and/or their wife doesn’t approve.

So if both of the primary reasons why any red-blooded man would generally want to stop apparently don’t really apply in this case then it should come as no surprise that he hasn’t given it up. I’m not saying you should feel good about the idea but it’s just not the kind of thing where people can simply say they don’t like porn because they feel like it is wrong and exploits women in a demeaning way, etc. and expect that to convince very many men to actually stop doing this permanently. They don’t want to think about that; they just like viewing porn because it makes them feel better sometimes. Even if you can successfully get some men to stop there are always going to be millions of other men that are going to keep on viewing it no matter how wrong and unacceptable anti-porn moral crusaders act like it is.