Mom visiting. About to come out of the spiritual closet?

For me, it would depend on how much face to face interaction I expect to have with my family in the future. My wife’s family (the only Mormons that are also family) live in another country, so we don’t see them very much. If they came to stay, I would not rock the boat, let them enjoy themself and then send them home happy without them ever knowing how I felt.

If I have to interact with them on a regular basis and could not hide my change in commitment, then there might have to be some disclosure, gently…that would be a different conversation that I can do right now.

For this trip, you might consider wearing clothes that don’t raise the garment question. Shorts can be longer, shirts crew neck, etcetera. I live in a tropical climate and that combination serves me well. Spend lots of time in active beach activities where you can leave garments off without raising concerns.

Regarding church….you can get by with long pants and a shirt with no tie and casual shoes, and I’m sure your wife can come up with something. Alternatively, you can look for a local event that is on Sunday if your mother is a bit progressive and willing to skip church for the event due to being on vacation. You could also minimize the church experience by simply attending one meeting and skipping the other two hours.

Personally, I would not rock the boat if you will not see your family regularly after the trip. We have lots of stories about how this never ends well. Some people find their parents actually agree with you, but if you aren’t sure how they will react, I would not rock the boat.

Good call on the coffee.

If I can draw an analogy — six years ago I had all the symptoms of a terrible debilitating disease. Doctors indicated they would only know over time whether I had it. I chose not to tell my parents about it at all. I did not want to upset them or worry them. I would approach the church position you are taking the same way — as something you keep from your parents/Mom in order to help them preserve their inner peace. That is kind and full of service. And I think you’ll feel better about the decision to stay mum about it after Mom leaves.

It sounds like you want to come out of the closet…correct?

I have no advice, only to echo that the middle way is not easy.

My family have known I’m an “apostate” for over two years.

Jwalds family, not so much. For my daughter’s graduation, they came out, and I served home made beer to the local friends and guests, and drank plenty myself. Jwalds family sat out and played banjos and guitars with us, and had a great time.

It wasn’t nearly as big a deal as I thought it was going to be…night and day from my own family reacted..

I feel relieved that I can be authentic now,and still be respectful.

Good luck.

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I guess so. I’m willing to consider changing my mind if I should, but I feel like I can’t keep it up forever, and now’s as good a time as any to show we can still have a good relationship?

So I’m more wondering *how* to do it I guess.

Then I would ease them into it. Start gently this time by wearing only half of your garment. You decide which one. Go to church dressed as best you can, and don’t drink coffee.

After they get used to that, take the next step. Don’t hit them with ice-water at the start…just gentle introduction, one step at a time. And emphasize those things you still practice to help them feel better.

I feel relieved that I can be authentic now,and still be respectful.

I want to echo what cwald said. I’m glad it’s out in the open. It was crushing for me before, and freeing when I finally got to the point of “coming out”. And, like cwald said, being respectful is crucial.

focus on shared beliefs

Yes. It’s important, not only for ourselves, but for others, that we focus on what we DO believe, and don’t define our beliefs by what we don’t believe or by the differences in our beliefs. There is no point in arguing about differences, and I wouldn’t even mention them. If asked, I, me… speaking for myself, would say that I don’t want to get into specifics… If pressed, I’d just fall back on my standby… I’m not a believer anymore. But I always try to come back to the idea that I’m still the same person that I’ve always been and that I support their faith and belief in the church.

A common concern that family members feel for people like us is that they perceive that we are falling, and it is unknown how far we will fall, or how much we will change. Reinforce them with your undying love and gratitude for them, and reassure that you still want to be a good person, etc.

I wish you the best of luck no matter what you decide to do or how you decide to approach it.

A common concern that family members feel for people like us is that they perceive that we are falling, and it is unknown how far we will fall, or how much we will change. Reinforce them with your undying love and gratitude for them, and reassure that you still want to be a good person, etc.

I’ve realized that this goes a long way in discussions with my mom. Especially in the beginning I think it would have been easy for her to feel like my anger was slopping over onto her. And I guess it was, but I finally saw that for what it was and have tried to course-correct.