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I’m not sure whether I should post this here in support or just general discussion, so if it seems out of place I apologize. It looks like our family will be moving in the next couple of months. My husband has been offered a management position with his company, more hours for less pay but, in the end, more upward mobility. Right now we’re in a small town with very limited opportunity for advancement in his company. I’m not too happy about this for a few reasons, but maybe you can all give me a more positive perspective.
1. I hate moving. I’ve moved a lot–20 times in my 31 years and no, my family wasn’t military. We just moved to our current home one year ago and I’m not looking forward to doing it again so soon.
2. I worry about my kids adjusting to a new school, neighborhood, etc. They’re very happy here. They all have friends, my oldest is involved with a small martial arts studio that he loves and he just got into an advanced learning program in the school district this year and is really enjoying it. I know kids are resilient, but I hate uprooting them from somewhere that is so good for them.
3. We’re moving to Las Vegas. My husband was raised in Vegas and his parents and one brother still live there. I don’t know if it’s my small town Utah upbringing, but the thought of living in Las Vegas has always terrified me. We’ve visited plenty of times, but I never feel safe there and the atmosphere just feels different.
4. We’re going to be 20 minutes away from my ultra-TBM in-laws. I’ve mentioned them before. I anticipate a lot of boundary setting on my part and over-zealousness on their part. Seeing them more often is bound to lead to them noticing our lack of garments, lax church attendance, etc. and I’m not looking forward to their reactions.
5. I’ve just increased my involvement with the university extension program (became an official part-time employee as well as a teacher) with the marriage enrichment course. It’s the perfect position for me because I can keep my kids with me if I need to and its directly related to my degree I’m working on. I was hoping to continue to be involved with them and apply for an associate professor position after I get my master’s.
Anyway, I’m just whining to all of you because whining to my husband just makes him feel guilty for wanting to take the position in the first place. I’m trying to see it as a fresh start. We can start with a new ward and not worry about people asking why we aren’t there every Sunday anymore or giving me funny looks when I tell them we went for a family hike last Sunday. I’m sure there are good schools there and other programs I can get involved with. I’m just feeling really bummed about the whole situation right now.
I don’t have any words of wisdom, since every situation is different, but my wife knows how you feel in some ways. We’ve lived all over the country, and we might be moving in the near future even though we only moved here a year ago. I moved from a rural Utah town of 2,000 to Boston. My wife was scared about the move for a lot of reasons, but it was wonderful in so many ways. We have come to prefer medium-sized cities close to large cities, but everyone is different.
I live in northern Nevada, about 7 hours from Las Vegas, but I have traveled there multiple times with my job. What I can say is that Las Vegas can be a wonderful place or a terrible place, depending on where you live, just like pretty much any reasonably sized city – and not just in the normally assumed ways. That’s true of Provo and SLC, and once you get outside the Strip and the worst neighborhoods, it’s just like Phoenix – which is both bad and good.
In the end, you have to do what you think is best for the family as a whole (including your husband) – and I have found that there is almost no way to know in advance what that is. You will be in my prayers.
MayB, I once moved to a city that was literally 2500 times bigger than the city I was moving from. I got to the new place, and the first night, I though, “What am I doing?”. But it was a fabulous experience and one I wouldn’t trade for anything.
As for the in-laws, this could be a great way to make peace with them about the Church. Or it could be a disaster. I’d recommend working toward the former.
Based on your area of work, I’m sure I’m not going to tell you anything you don’t already know but two things:
– This has to be a decision that you both come to together, or it will drive a wedge rather than uniting.
– Once you come to the decision together, then you both need to be excited and put your whole heart into finding a way to make it work, and work well. You both have to seek out the adventure and excitement of it, look for the upside and shrug off the inconveniences.
On Own Now wrote:Based on your area of work, I’m sure I’m not going to tell you anything you don’t already know but two things:
– This has to be a decision that you both come to together, or it will drive a wedge rather than uniting.
– Once you come to the decision together, then you both need to be excited and put your whole heart into finding a way to make it work, and work well. You both have to seek out the adventure and excitement of it, look for the upside and shrug off the inconveniences.
OON has great advise as usual. As someone who likewise grew up in Las Vegas (we moved from Orem to Vegas my sophmore year of hs),I feel that I should comment.
Moving is always a burden. I remember hearing somewhere that a wife’s willingness to relocate in furtherance of the husband’s career was one of the top areas of support that husbands need. Sorry I can’t be any more specific. I have likewise moved my family a number of times. We now are in a place where we would like to stay permanently. But even now when DW mentions being here in 10-15 years I am painfully aware that this hinges on my being gainfully employed here. As someone who has been let go before, I feel the pressure.
MayB wrote:3. We’re moving to Las Vegas. My husband was raised in Vegas and his parents and one brother still live there. I don’t know if it’s my small town Utah upbringing, but the thought of living in Las Vegas has always terrified me. We’ve visited plenty of times, but I never feel safe there and the atmosphere just feels different.
Vegas is big and diverse. There is a large and strong LDS population. There are also lots of other religions and the non-religious represented. Schools are mammoth with thousands of students. Because there are just too many people to know everyone, people tend to group off into “clicks”. I recommend that your kids hang back at first and observe before joining any group as this group will likely provide social support/pressure for at least the next year.
I don’t think of Vegas as not being safe. I think safety is somewhat a state of mind. I believe that there is a prudent balance between being prepared and worrying. work to find your own balance in this area.
Two things about Las vegas that I believe “feels different”:
1) traffic congestion
2) anonymity – the sense that a large percentage of the people you might come into contact with don’t know you and don’t care to.
Good luck to you!
I’ve moved a lot too, so I also know how difficult it can be and have sympathy for you. Most of my family lives in Las Vegas, and I lived there my senior year of high school. I just wanted to reassure you that once you are settled, you end up having your own little area that you will mostly stick to, so you will probably feel comfortable within that area at least. I am assuming you will be living in the suburbs outside of downtown, so in those areas it is like a smaller town that you can drive into the big city if you want to. There are actually quite a few Mormons in Las Vegas, so you may find that church is similar to your small town Utah ward! I thought my ward was quite like a Utah Mormon ward, for good and bad! If you do end up moving, I hope the situation will work out with your in-laws. That part would be the most worrisome to me, but it could end up being a great opportunity for them to understand your family better, and ideally they will be able to accept your level of activity. Good luck! Sorry to hear this May. Sounds a bit like my situation. My wife and daughter are pressuring me to move so they can attend a different Ward, and I don’t want to. I would suggest keeping the communication lines open about your interactions with the TBM’s in Las Vegas. We can give you ideas about how to interact with them.
Regarding the fear of Las Vegas — when you get there, you will settle in, as you know. Also, the good thing about good causes i is that human needs are unlimited — there will be troubled marriages that you can help with in Las Vegas, and worthy causes there.
And a fresh start in a new Ward can be a good thing. But you will probably get funny looks about spending time with your family on hikes etcetera — it will be that way everywhere, so I don’t expect that will change. You might want to work on your story here, and get impressions about setting boundaries with the local Ward as well, as they will want to scope you out. You can pre-empt their answers, and go in with clear objectives. One strategy is to move into a weak Ward that doesn’t have the organization skills to follow up with you when you aren’t there. You can have long periods of inattention from the Ward while you do your own thing.
I think it’s funny that I wrote that last pargraph, but sometimes, you can use church inefficiency to your advantage.
Old-Timer wrote:What I can say is that Las Vegas can be a wonderful place or a terrible place, depending on where you live, just like pretty much any reasonably sized city
journeygirl wrote:Most of my family lives in Las Vegas, and I lived there my senior year of high school. I just wanted to reassure you that once you are settled, you end up having your own little area that you will mostly stick to, so you will probably feel comfortable within that area at least. I am assuming you will be living in the suburbs outside of downtown, so in those areas it is like a smaller town that you can drive into the big city if you want to.
Roy wrote:I don’t think of Vegas as not being safe. I think safety is somewhat a state of mind. I believe that there is a prudent balance between being prepared and worrying. work to find your own balance in this area.
Great points. We’ll most likely be in the North Las Vegas area and from what I’ve seen when we’ve visited there (DH’s brother and his wife live there) and what I’ve been seeing in online rental postings, school ratings, etc. there are some good neighborhoods for us to look at. Thanks for sharing your experience Roy. I’m sure we’ll get used to things and find our niche.
On Own Now wrote:As for the in-laws, this could be a great way to make peace with them about the Church. Or it could be a disaster. I’d recommend working toward the former.
I don’t really plan on bringing it up, but just handling it as it becomes an issue, which it inevitably will. BIL and wife have had to pretty much cut off contact with MIL and FIL because they wouldn’t let things lie and continued to preach to them rather than just love and accept them. Every difficulty that came up in their lives was due to their lack of faith or not praying, reading, or attending the temple enough. I wish I was kidding.
BIL and wife don’t have children and so they’re able to keep their distance relatively easily. I’d like for our in-laws to be in our children’s lives, attending birthdays, school and extracurricular activities, etc. Hopefully we’ll all be able to find a way to make that happen without them feeling like they need to correct us or talk negatively about us and our decisions to our children. Only time will tell.
SilentDawning wrote:
I would suggest keeping the communication lines open about your interactions with the TBM’s in Las Vegas. We can give you ideas about how to interact with them
I’ll definitely be doing this SD. You guys always have wonderful suggestions and perspectives!Old-Timer wrote:In the end, you have to do what you think is best for the family as a whole (including your husband) – and I have found that there is almost no way to know in advance what that is.
On Own Now wrote:This has to be a decision that you both come to together, or it will drive a wedge rather than uniting.
– Once you come to the decision together, then you both need to be excited and put your whole heart into finding a way to make it work, and work well. You both have to seek out the adventure and excitement of it, look for the upside and shrug off the inconveniences.
We just came to this decision together yesterday. I’m confident that, in the long run, it will be best for our family. My husband has been struggling to keep his morale at work the past 4 or 5 months because of a change in management here and the reality that he’d be stuck where he is for some time while in his current location. He was even looking for a different job because of it. He’s with a good company, with good benefits and good pay for what he does. This opportunity is a big deal for him. Since the rest of us aren’t exactly tied down (no mortgage, full-time job, etc.) it only makes sense for us to go and support him in this. It will also be a challenge for our family, but I’m determined that we’ll come out of it stronger and better off. I plan to put on my happy face from now on. See?
Thanks for all of your great responses. I knew you’d all make me feel better. You always do.
🙂 MayB wrote:It will also be a challenge for our family, but I’m determined that we’ll come out of it stronger and better off. I plan to put on my happy face from now on. See?
Good luck to all of you.
Changing wards can be reinvigorating. And I’d say your in-laws will almost certainly get in synch with you, but, I dunno. . . . . Just tell us that old girlfriend, Wife #2-In-Waiting, doesn’t live nearby!
🙄 🙄 🙄 Moving is a great way to feel young again and reboot, and Vegas is great. I personally think it feels a bit small, but that’s me. I think you will find it’s very easy to live there. We have moved twice for my work and now aren’t sure yet where we will go next. In some ways, moving is easier than not moving. It keeps you alive and experiencing new people. It makes you get out of your comfort zone. Plus, you can throw away stuff, which is something I love to do. Good luck to you. I personally think you always have to make the decision where to live based on work primarily. Secondarily, based on people, but if those earning the money need to move for that, the rest kind of works out generally.
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