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I will be as concise as I know how to be, but suffice it to say, I am really hurting, confused, angry and alone. I came here a year and a half ago and found some light and hope for my situation. I read lots of good advise and I am guessing I have not been the best at always heeding it. I do try. However, at this point, I am likely much farther away from what I thought was a good place back then.
I have always tried to maintain that I will/would stay in the church and be an active TR carrying member if that is what my wife wanted. I have continued to do this. Taught Sunday School to 16-17 year olds last Sunday. My problem is that I am so angry at JS for the terrible sense of betrayal I feel. I was a TBM, loyal, faithful LDS member who felt a closeness to and belief in JS that I dare say was unrivaled. I didn’t lose my testimony of JS, it was ripped from my being by the cold hard truth that felt hidden from me my whole life.
I am a fighter. I fought hard for the church’s sake. Now I am hamstrung by my circumstances (can’t be authentic because it would injure wife and kids). I feel like a pressure cooker and have no relief valve. I’ve certainly said things about what I have learned to my wife that I probably shouldn’t have and expressed some of my true feelings about JS, the church’s truth claims, temple ceremony and garments, etc. that maybe were better left alone. I choose not to go to my bishop for obvious reasons. I lost my mom several years ago and my father would not be an option. I don’t want to talk to my siblings for fear of disappointing them and then have them treat me differently because of it.
I suppose my main issue at this time is temple garments. Because of my profession, I understand and know a lot about trauma and recovery. For me wearing them feels like signing up to spend each day with an abuser from my past (I was not abused, but I work with many who have been). It may sound weird or dramatic, but that is the closest thing that I can relate it to. Recently my wife and I struggled because I told her that seeing her in them was not something I found attractive, at all. That would be putting it mildly. Incidentally, this is nothing new. I felt this way even when I was a TBM. I am sad and hurt that it is this way and I don’t know what to do. She thinks its that I’m not attracted to HER, but I am. It’s just that every time I see her in them, its like seeing an abuser from my past draped all over her. She is not very deep, but feels she still believes in them because they make her feel safe. Telling her this is hurtful. I’m not sure where I am going with this, but I suppose it feels good to get it out a little.
Numb!
My blunt advice: Get counseling from a non-LDS source, if at all possible. You are transferring things in a damaging way, and you need professional help to deal with that.
There is NOTHING wrong with getting that kind of help, and there is nothing “bad” about you that is causing the need. It’s no different than proper medication or getting needed rest or enough food and water. You need to take care of yourself, and this one isn’t going to be fixed easily or quickly on your own.
We can give you generic advice about how to try to see and deal with things, but we aren’t professionals in the right fields.
Having said all of that, I’m sure lots of people here can give you some really good advice.
🙂 I’m really sorry for your difficulty. I am very much aware that different people process things in different ways. I am aware that many people have trouble with the garment and feel better with out it. This is not an issue for me. I do appreciate that DW doesn’t always wear the garments to bed. This helps to facilitate closeness, back scratches, etc.
HRHB wrote:Recently my wife and I struggled because I told her that seeing her in them was not something I found attractive, at all.
I too have said that I don’t find the garments particularly attractive – but that’s not the same thing as saying that I’m not attracted to my wife while in them. I understand that your reaction may be visceral and not just the mild preference – but I can see why your wife may find this statement hurtful. My wife won’t give me more than a peck of a kiss unless I’ve brushed my teeth after eating last. Either my breath has gotten worse or her nose has gotten better because this didn’t used to be a problem. It does make me feel less attractive.
I know I sometimes think unkind things that I don’t say and when I do say them I usually regret it. The way I see it, all this Mormonism stuff is unimportant compared to your relationship with your companion.
Quote:Perhaps your wife would be open to having bedtime be a garment free zone.
I think this is good advice. Maybe it would even spice things up a bit.
I’m afraid I don’t have any concrete advice to give, but I really do relate to what you’re saying. I, too, am married to a TBM wife and sometimes our beliefs clash. I do wear my garments, but honestly I only wore them for years just to keep peace and probably save my marriage. I’m not sure they’re anything more than symbolic, and without saying too much, I don’t think wearing them reminds me of any symbolism – in fact I’ve always had a hard time remembering what they mean. The whole reminder of abuse thing you have going on troubles me. I agree with Ray, see a counselor.
I feel your pain and can relate to some degree. I do see a councilor and it helps a lot. In fact I see a councilor at the VA and he is great and has inspired me to do volunteer work with other Vets. That’s all I have. I’m so sorry that you’re hurting. I second the advice to see a non-LDS counselor. I just started going to one about this and other issues in my life and already I’m feeling better and can see the steps necessary for me to recover. I was a gospel doctrine teacher for the past 8 months. They called me and right after that I started finding all the skeletons in the church history closet. I can totally relate to your anger, although it sounds like you were much more sincere and invested in your personal views and relationship with JS. I finally had to quit my calling. Yes, I say quit because I didn’t ask to be released. I just went up to the bishop and told him that I would no longer be teaching. Maybe you could do the same? You wouldn’t have to be as blunt as I was. You don’t need to tell your bishop about your personal struggles. You could even think of and suggest a few callings you would be willing to do.
Not having to think about or read about JS and church history every week and then try to teach it to others in a way where I could still feel genuine and good about myself afterwards has lifted a huge burden and given me a little more breathing space.
I also understand the garment issue. I had the same problem. I even tried only wearing them periodically, but every time I would put them on I would feel anger and anxiety. So I don’t wear them anymore. Luckily for me, my DH had no problem with it and has even stopped wearing his as well. For you and your TBM wife, you’ll probably have to tread carefully. Again, perhaps seeing a counselor will help you to find ways to talk to her about it or to alter your own thinking so that you’re not feeling so much pain.
Here at StayLDS, we all know what it’s like not to have anyone at all that you can talk to about these things. That’s why we’re here.
🙂 I hope you’ll continue to post and vent and share and just let it all out because we can relate and you’re not alone.HRHB wrote:I feel like a pressure cooker and have no relief valve.
Hi, HRHB – You’re here! Staylds has been a big relief for me. I don’t have much advice, except that I’ve found that choosing when to wear garments leads me to much healthier, reasonable feelings about them.
HRHB, good to see you again…its been awhile 🙂 Welcome back.I think back in Feb 2012 I mentioned:
Quote:keeping secrets or burying feelings isn’t the best approach to a long term healthy relationship IMO.
I think I feel the same when reading your new post. I can understand you feeling like a pressure cooker ready to blow if things are not really being dealt with but just buried. And yet, it can be so difficult to know how to address them when it seems there are bad results when you do. Its not easy…it can feel like if you bring things up to your wife then there is a bad outcome, if you suppress it and don’t bring it up there is a bad outcome…it seems sometimes there is no “no pain” choice available sometimes. Its not fun.
But you need to find some way to have a release, some way to address these, so you live a TR worthy life and not resent it, or see garments and not react to it. It will build up inside if you fight to suppress it, which just leads to suffering in life. Perhaps these are the things you can learn by going through this.
We’re here for you, my friend. Vent and post away, in hopes there are some ways to learn to walk the middle way and feel at peace about it. Or if nothing else, release some pressure.
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