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I’m so non-confrontational that I want to send an EMAIL and ask! lol. I don’t even want to do the face-to-face deal b/c I’m afraid that I’ll forget my reasons…or that I’ll be talked in to staying with the calling (ever see the “Friends” episode where Chandler wants to “quit the gym”??—that’s me!).
It’s simply not a healthy calling for me in my life right now and it’s time I stop trying to make it fit.
Suggestions?
Oh, and since I have a hard time articulating my thoughts, a scripted response would be most appreciated!
:crazy: QuestionsAbound, The best advice I can give you is that you don’t need reasons. You don’t need to convince anyone, and you don’t need to ‘ask’ to be released. Just tell your bishop you won’t be able to fulfill your calling.
Second best I can give you is to be courteous enough to talk to the bishop about it, but informally. He does all that work with no pay. It would be respectful to let him know in person. And just like a job, it would be courteous to give him some advanced notice. 2 weeks seems reasonable. But again, you don’t need to convince him, so you don’t need reasons. If you find yourself in a situation of needing to explain, “I’m not able right now” is sufficient.
Quote:“I’ve thought and prayed about it, and I can’t keep doing my calling right now. I will continue for two weeks (or any other time period about which you feel good), but I won’t be able to do it after that.”
If you get any push back, simply say:
Quote:“I’ve thought and prayed about it, and I can’t go against the answer I’ve felt.”
It would be hard to argue with that, but if you still get push back, smile, say, “I’m sorry,” and walk away – and email is okay, if you absolutely can’t do it in person.
I like the responses above where you don’t give reasons or make excuses. Also, give a deadline for when they have give you the formal release. And if they don’t release you by the deadline, start attending another Ward until they announce the release officially. My personal style is to be reliable though, and realize the Bishopric needs time to find someone to replace you, depending on the calling. If the calling is teaching SS, I would see about finding someone to do it for me for a few weeks (maybe several people) after the grace period I give the BP.
For example, for a SS calling, I would plan to teach the classes during the period I gave the Bishopric to release me (say 2 weeks or 4 weeks). Beyond that, I might have 2 or 3 different people lined up to take my place. Each person would not know they are one of 3 people scheduled to take my place — they just know that I will not be available for the specific Sunday I ask them to take the class for me.
That way, when you tell the BP it’s time to release you, you can give them a schedule of people who have committed to take your class beyond two weeks. However, I would also indicate how important it is to me for them to release me in two weeks.
After two weeks, I would walk, regardless of whether they release me or not.
In my experience, the BP will take its own sweet time to release you. The church is famous for asking to you to start callings immediately, and then dragging their feet on the release. They have this belief that they don’t have any obligation to release you until THEY find someone on their own schedule to replace you. I find that hogwash and deeply unappreciative, and again, egocentric for the church.
So, take matters into your own hands, indicate the terms under which you will leave, and let them know you will be away after two weeks. Provide a buffer in case they don’t have BP meetings scheuled each week or can’t find someone to replace you.
You are a volunteer; claim your position and tell them what you are doing. Then do it and punctuate your plans with absence from your Ward after the deadline passes.
Having asked to be released from callings in the past I know it can be a daunting thing. I have always done it face to face, and agree with what everyone else has said. Give some advance notice unless that’s not possible (if your sanity really depends on it, then find someone to sub for you). There is no explanation necessary. If you feel pressed or feel you must give an explanation, a simple “I just can’t do it right now” will suffice. You could, of course, give the actual reason if you want, but it’s not necessary. An email is OK as far as I’m concerned, but I would expect a bishopric member (and likely the bishop) to follow up in person, I don’t expect they’ll just let it go (but bishops are very different and that may happen). The only problem with an email is that they can just ignore it. At least when you talk to them face to face, you can see if you get any kind of a commitment to release you within your deadline window. It might be a bit uncomfortable, but I think its good for the church leadership to see people boldly and openly and kindly indicate its time for a release. If you are going to use email, put a statement in it…
“If I don’t hear from you by XXX, I’ll assume you’re OK with this”.
Then I would find my backups for the position, and then move on with the plan. If I don’t get an over the pulpit release in two weeks, I would walk until the release is effected.
The only problem is that it’s a bit hard to know if they have released you when you aren’t there. You can’t rely on the Ward website because in certain wards it never gets updated. I remained asa HPG Teacher for 8 months after I asked for release.
And by the way, I did the same thing I’m recommending here, and it worked fabulously.
Depending on your bishop / bishopric and their comfort with technology, a simple email may work just fine. I’ve recieved several emails and even texts from members of my ward asking to be released, even members in “high regard.” I actually appreciate a “heads-up” so there’s time to prepare. Simpler is better, along the lines of “Dear Brother Smith I can’t do my calling right now and need to be released. I’d be happy to do it for the next couple of weeks but after that I’ll no longer be able to fulfill this calling.” After two weeks stop doing the calling. That’s a softer deadline, showing that you mean it, but still shows that you are willing to not leave them in a difficult situation. If you cc the executive secretary or a counselor it’s less likely that multiple people will miss or ignore the email. The downside to an email is that it exists forever and can be easily forwarded to the stake, etc. Conversations cannot be, although like you said, they may try to talk you into keeping the calling. I do think requesting a release in person is generally better, but if you are uncomfortable or if they are confrontational, I see no problem with a simple, respectful email. I also think you can talk / email a counselor if you are more comfortable with that person than the bishop.
While there is no doubt that bishoprics sometimes (usually?) drag their feet with a release, it’s probably more that finding a replacement can be difficult, than trying to “milk” someone. It’s often a domino effect, release one, call another, release that person from their previous calling, find another for *that* calling, etc.
My advise is that however you ask to be released that you be respectful and don’t burn bridges.
Just be careful about using email as a way to avoid confrontation. In my experience email actually encourages misunderstanding because there is no corresponding personal interaction, and human beings key off of this part of communication more than they do actual words. Talking to the Bishop about being released is and should remain a courtesy to him and completely non-confrontational. The only conflict will be what you bring to the conversation. Sure there are some that we have all known that won’t take it well, but they are a minority. Most are caring and very well aware that callings equate to sacrifice. My opinion: electronic communication is valuable when personal communication isn’t viable. For example, if you are in the hospital. Or for our community here, we are spread out all over the world, but can ‘talk’ together. But using it in lieu of talking in person when that option is present is less desirable. In particular, if a person is thinking about email because they can’t muster the courage to talk face-to-face, then that is exactly why they shouldn’t use email. My view is that hiding behind email or text shows weakness. If a person can’t square their shoulders and look the bishop in the eye, then this goes way beyond release from a calling. My point is that we all have to live our own life in a way that WE, not the CHURCH, are in control of our own emotions, spirituality and commitment, so just be sure that if you do use email it is because it is the BEST way to communicate, not because you are afraid of talking face to face.
If there is something I need someone to do, I will always, always, always, talk to them via voice if I have that option. I will then often followup with an email that starts with, “As we discussed earlier today…”
Roadrunner wrote:
While there is no doubt that bishoprics sometimes (usually?) drag their feet with a release, it’s probably more that finding a replacement can be difficult, than trying to “milk” someone. It’s often a domino effect, release one, call another, release that person from their previous calling, find another for *that* calling, etc.It may be true that they have trouble finding a replacement, but I think that after reasonable time passes, it beehoves leaders to at least communicate with the releasee, and let them know the BP hasn’t forgotten about it, just that finding someone is a problem. That’s considerate.
There are times when I feel talks etcetera are geared to making people good, willing Mormons because it’s hard to get people to do things and sometimes to accept callings.
Regrettably, the slow, and often indifferent attitude BP’s and SP’s have toward releasing people in a timely fashion is part of the problem. It has happened where you serve faithfully until it hurts and then ask for a release. Then the Bishopric’s lack of communication and sometimes, even their actions indicates they couldn’t care less about releasing you or keeping your in the loop about what’s happening. And then they wonder why people are reluctant to accept callings in the future. it’s partly their own mismanagement of the releasing.
Our Bishop recently released a RS president with a tap on the shoulder as she sat in a restaurant with a group of church members. it went through the whole ward like wildfire. What does that approach communicate about respect? About appreciation?
Lastly, in my view, there is rarely a good reason to keep someone in a calling they don’t want “until you find a replacement”. Why not just release the person and leave the position open? There are exceptions (like Auxiliary presidents who, when you release the president, also leads to release of counselors), but even then you could have a someone called as a 1st Couns and 2nd Counsel even though there is no president. Or call the 1st counselor as “Acting YM President”. That shows respect for the person who wants a release.
No, the system of calls and releases is flawed in our church. Even paid employees can quit; not so in the church where policies and cultural values suggest we are on an indefinite contract unless we take matters into our own hands.
It varies radically at the local level. I’ve seen both extremes and just about everything between them. Not that I’m a proponent of more rules, but part of the problem is that in our rule-driven culture, the CHI doesn’t address anything about releases such as timeliness, etcetera. So, that part of a volunteer’s church experience can be really sloppy. I know exactly how you feel. I’m very non-confrontational myself. When I needed to be released, I mentioned several times to the BP that around x date you’ll need to be finding someone to take my place. He didn’t do much about it, and things came to a head for me emotionally and physically and so one day, after teaching my class, I went up to the bishop and just said, “That was my last lesson. I won’t be teaching anymore.” I wasn’t due to teach again for three weeks, so I figured that gave him enough time to find a replacement. I agree with what others have said regarding no need to give specific reasons. Just a simple, ” I won’t be able to continue in my calling” is really all they need to know.
Good luck with whatever you decide.
I am very responsible in my callings, and so, knowing I can’t continue or am so drained I can’t function anymore, and NOT being released is a form of torture for me. This is because I am still accountable and expected to fulfil the calling (and feel responsible for it) but I have no will. It’s torment to not function when I’m responsible for something — particularly in high profile callings like the one I asked to be released from a while ago. I feel like I’m letting the whole world down, including myself and my personal integrity. Therefore, an official release AND announcement is critical for me. Do others feel the same way? Or is it just me?
And when the leadership acts with such indifference to responsible people, they don’t realize how less likely that person will be to accept a calling in the future. I don’t think they even realize that lackadaisical attitudes toward releases actually alienates the people who take follow-through very seriously.
Yes, SD, I do feel the same. When I commit to do something I feel an obligation to carry out that which I have committed to do. It actually always bothered me as a bishop’s counselor when someone accepted a calling and then didn’t do anything or did minimal work. I would rather they just didn’t accept, but there is, of course, the whole thinking or feeling they’re supposed to accept any and all callings extended. A formal release is important to me as well, to “release” me from the responsibilities (from my perspective), and so that others are aware that someone else is now responsible for those duties. I teach my children this. If they commit to play a sport, be in a play, be part of the school chorus or whatever they are obligated to finish. With the kids, of course they can quit under prescribed circumstances – but that involves meeting part of their commitment (can’t quit until after the concert or must quit before the first game and after talking face to face with the coach, etc.).
In our family, we have a mission statement. When the kids were young, we turned it into a cheer like you might hear at a football game. It includes follow-through as one of our family values, and we emphasize that constantly. I’m glad someone thinks like I do….now you know why I wanted to have a list of expectations for volunteers before they commit to projects in another thread. I would rather they saw the expectations and quit than accepted them, and then bailed.
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