To Mormons with Love by Chrissy Ross

I just finished this incredibly quick read by Chrissy Ross, a non-denominational Christian woman who voluntarily chooses to live in Utah County. She calls her town Mayberry, but I think it’s Alpine. She lists advice to nonmembers living in predominantly LDS areas, and it seems to me that this is great advice for those of us on this site:

1 – Don’t believe everything you hear. She gives some examples in the book about crazy theories and doctrines that she heard about from third party sources that were alarming and wrong or sensationalized beyond recognition. I think we’ve all heard stories like that on the internet.

2 – For some people, the bubble is real. Recognize that there are people who don’t have any close friends outside the Church (or any who’ve shared doubts). That doesn’t mean they are intolerant, just inexperienced. They may still be interested in cultivating a friendship.

3 – Give people and yourself multiple chances. Patience in building relationships is always essential, but especially in cases like these. The payoff is worth it.

4 – Accept where you live. People choose to be in the Mormon community because they like it. Even if that’s not why you are there, you are free to do as you please, but you won’t change the fact that the community is what it is.

5 – There’s diversity, just look. Everyone has a back story. “When the boldest tag I placed on someone was “LDS,” (or TBM for us) I didn’t allow myself to see the multi-faceted individual behind the label. As a self-proclaimed open-minded, non-judgmental, scoffs-at-stereotypes individual, my self-righteous values were tested. I became the antithesis of who I claimed to be when viewing Mormons. Don’t make the same mistake.”

6 – Read the book. She talks about the importance of having read the BOM as a person who is not converted but living among the Mormons.

7 – If you have questions, ask. She found people to be willing to answer her questions with no strings attached. I think for members it can be more difficult to ask doubt-laced questions, but there’s something simple to asking a straightforward question that’s not loaded for bear. Of course, the person we are asking may have nothing better than an uninformed opinion to offer.

8 – Lighten up, Francis. Don’t be offended if someone tries to convert you. Their motivation is still loving and sincere if misguided. She says when she has been offended by this, it was a waste of energy on her part.

9 – Never run or mow the lawn without a shirt. “Spare yourself feeling naked. It’s awkward.” Elsewhere in the book, she talks about Mormons who are on hiatus that she’s met. She said sometimes the active LDS people would try to steer her toward those folks, but she couldn’t relate to them because often they wanted to stick it in the church’s eye that they weren’t observant. As she put it in one story, the lapsed Mormon woman was drinking her first beer before noon. She noted that many lapsed Mormons didn’t seem to know how to adopt normal social conventions for drinking alcohol.

Anyway, it was a very quick read – the whole book took me less than 2 hours. Very worth a browse, and her tips are terrific.

Here’s a paraphrase of her tips to Mormons who meet non-Mormons. I suspect these have a doubters-parallel as well:

– “We’re not all Catholic.” Learn a thing or two about other religions. Open a dictionary. (Doubter parallel – we’re not all hedonists or atheists?)

– “Don’t use the term We when you are alone.” Creepily, a neighbor gushed to her “We all just love you, Chris,” when it was just the two of them talking. She said nothing made her feel more like an outsider than this us and them reminder. (Doubter parallel should be obvious here for those who’ve skipped church).

– “Don’t Hide the nonMormons.” Honestly, this one baffled me. Maybe it’s a Utah county thing. She felt like people would vaguely reference other non-LDS families, but when she asked where they were, they would never really tell her where, like they were afraid of pockets of non-LDS people forming to bash them. As she also said, she didn’t want to just be introduced to the drunk people. (Doubter parallel – not wanting to connect you with others who have doubts?)

– “Let the missionaries do the missionary work.” Coming from missionaries, it’s expected. Coming from so-called friends, it can be disappointing to feel that they like you but want to change everything about who you are and what you believe. This is an interesting one given our church’s stance on member missionary work. She says don’t blur the lines between friendship and outreach, something everyone here can relate to. (Doubter parallel – unfortunately, there isn’t a missionary force for doubters.)

– “Clarify the fun part.” She said they love to join activities with the ward because it’s the same as block parties, but they want to feel relaxed enough to socialize. Tell them what the fun will be. She tells a terrible story of going to a ward activity and everybody already knowing all about them and coming up to shake their hands giving personal details about where they work, where their kids went to school, how old their kids were, where they used to live. She said it made her feel paranoid that they had been talked about (which obviously they had), and also people just inundated them like a reception line at a wedding. (Doubter parallel – doubters may not want to participate out of duty, but they may want to if it’s fun or to socialize.)

– “No means no.” and so does “maybe later.” Let it go. (Obvious parallel).

– “Keep your shirt on.” She says it’s confusing when people deliberately break social norms. She’s not sure what she’s supposed to do in those cases.