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I’m not really sure how to start other than to just dive in. I’ve never been good at explaining things, so bear with me.. I was born into the church and have grown up in it, and with it’s presence everywhere. Growing up in Utah, you can’t really ever go anywhere without seeing a church steeple: I’ve been told to always be grateful to have grown up here. I am…. I suppose. After turning 13 I struggled with going to church and reading the scriptures, and I’ve began to question things. I’ve been told that’s normal. Anyway. That’s enough of the background story.
I met my current boyfriend online. He lived in Cali, I, in Utah. A year after we met he moved to Utah to be in a relationship with me. He grew up in a very different culture than I did. That became apparent after a while in our relationship. He wanted to do things that broke the law of chastity. Not going all the way, but nearly everything else. I told him my belief and my standards, and he then told me he would be willing to wait so we could go to the temple together. He got baptized in February, and I was ecstatic. But things are turning worse for wear. He’s pressuring me to be intimate again.
Now, I promise I’m not asking for relationship advice per se. Here is my dilemma: I desperately want to go to the temple. I feel that if I give him what he wants I won’t be able to. When I tell him no and try to stick to my guns, I don’t feel God’s presence. I still try to pray and read scriptures. On a random day I can feel His love. But when I need Him the most, he doesn’t seem to be there. I’m trying to be strong, but the more I resist and the more I pray, the less God seems to care. What am I doing wrong? Why does He refuse to comfort me? I’ve fasted and prayed that He will soften my boyfriend’s heart, but nothing happens! Why am I so unworthy of His miracles?
Welcome. You probably will get different advice from different people here, but I want to say one thing upfront and directly:
I know you said you aren’t looking for relationship advice, but
I don’t think your post can be addressed properly without that sort of advice– so please forgive me for giving relationship advice. This doesn’t sound like a relationship built on mutual respect and similar standards. I don’t know you and him well enough to be totally confident in my advice, but, if I were talking to one of my young adult children, I would advise you to step out of the relationship and give it a rest for a while. It doesn’t sound healthy.
First, if you want to go to the temple, go to the temple – even if that means breaking off your relationship. If it was a solid, happy, healthy relationship, I might give you different advice – but in this case . . . End the relationship, and stay able to attend the temple.
Next, I believe it is a myth that God will answer anyone’s prayers at any time over any issue. We are told to study things out in our hearts and in our minds, and I believe, in a very real way, we are learning to be gods in the here and now. I read extreme unease in your post and an understanding that you aren’t in a good situation with your boyfriend. I would say to follow your own instincts right now and not default to God to tell you what to do. It’s part of leaving behind your childhood and becoming an independent adult. You aren’t asking for a “miracle”; you are asking for confirmation of something you seem to know already.
Second, I believe strongly that nobody EVER should go into a relationship believing they are going to change the other person. That is a recipe for disaster and disappointment – and it’s goes against our core concept of agency.
Finally, from a more traditional LDS viewpoint, if you keep asking about something that is pretty black and white in the Church’s teaching, you might finally get the following answer:
Quote:Fine. Go ahead. It’s up to you.
Generally speaking, in that sort of situation, I’ve seen the results of that kind of answer – and it almost never is good.
As Ray said I think the issue cannot be addressed without addressing the relationship. I wholeheartedly concur with Ray’s assessment and advice. You say that you came from different cultural backgrounds, and that would appear to be true – Utah & California are different. You also say he is a recent convert to the church. There is a church culture as well, and while you have been taught the law of chastity and you’ve heard about the temple all your life, he hasn’t. Even though you question, You have a much deeper commitment to the church and to attending the temple than he does and he probably cannot relate to that – the culture is still new to him. I have seen so many heartbreaking stories where a woman thought they were going to change a man. I’m sorry to tell you I have never seen it happen and the result is always sadness.
OK, so you have a dilemma. I do completely understand what you’re saying. I feel the same way. I have some unorthodox views about God, and I’m not sure you want to hear them. The bottom line here is that you know what’s right, you don’t need God to tell you or comfort you or help you. You need to do it on your own. If you really feel that strongly about going to the temple you need to not put yourself in the situation where that might become a problem. That could, and probably does, mean ending your relationship.
Hey there lost sheep! Relationship Advice:
Great advice so far. I have had a girlfriend convert to the church to please me. The relationship eventually ended because I felt drawn to serve a mission and that was asking too much from her.
I guess what I am saying is that we have a fairly demanding religion. WoW, LoC, Tithing, callings, missions, service, etc. the list goes on and on.
Even if BF joined the church because of his own testimony, it seems clear that his orientation toward church concepts like the law of chastity is not the same as yours. Let’s say that you manage to get to the temple and get sealed – I just worry that there will be a constant struggle between the things that you feel are important and what he feels is important. The temple is not a magical place that changes the people that enter therein.
Now I am married to a wonderful woman and I am the less “believing” spouse. This has been a sore spot as DW would love for us to be on the same page. I support my family and attend SM, but I don’t have a TR and there was some question as to whether I’d be able to baptise my children. We are making it work but it hasn’t been easy.
God Advice:
I feel strongly that God loves you. Through my own experiences I have come to believe that God loves me unconditionally AND that God is not involved in the day to day operations of my life. I believe that God wants you to live your life fully and without regrets. So…tying this back to the relationship advice…I believe God wants you to be with someone that you can be reasonably happy with – someone who might feel similarly about what is important in life.
Whatever you decide to do it is too important for this not to be YOUR decision. It can’t be some advice from the internet. I also believe it shouldn’t be made due to some vague feeling you might have while praying. Since this decision will have a dramatic impact on the rest of your life, you need to own it – so that good and bad you can know that this is the result of “your free will and choice.”
The great news is that your whole life’s adventure is before you. I understand that this can be scary too.
that’s my thought. Good luck and God bless!
If my daughter were in a relationship where the guy was pushing her to do something she didn’t want to do, no matter what the “it” is, I would encourage her to stop dating him. The reason: No one who loves you will force or push you to do something you don’t want to do. They can ask, then discuss, then after a decision is made, it is over. Sounds to me like a decision was made, but then it was forgotten about.
Stick to your principles, whatever they may be.
That is my 2 cents worth….. just like all free advice, it is worth what you pay.
Have you talked to him about how important it is for you, that it is something so special you are willing to break up with him over it? Perhaps he needs to know what your beliefs are. Then you can let the chips fall where they may. If he reacts badly about that…it is good to know that about him before things progress in the relationship. Maybe God won’t be there to answer your prayer until you do the things necessary to address the problem…then you’ll get confirmation after you’ve shown faith to do what you know in your heart is right.
Mostly, I think God helps those who help themselves. God can help you, but you have to stand and take matters into your own hands.
I hope that doesn’t come off as harsh…just my experience, that we can’t wait for the miracles. I hope you can find what you are looking for. Keep us posted.
Hello lost sheep. I want to first say one thing before I get into the rest. I am not here to tell you what to do. However I went through a similar situation with my ex-fiancée.
There was a vast cultural difference between us. Me being TBM and her being first generation Ukraine. God for her wasn’t even in the picture before we met let alone premarital sex.
Having said that, she was baptized while engaged to her.
She did push after awhile, naturally as if you aren’t brought up that way it won’t register as something big.
Only it was I who did the moving across country for her.
She respected my decision but it was just naturally hard for her especially for her polite but aggressive personality.
She was on and off aggressive but not in a meaningful or disrespectful way.
Eventually I gave in. I regretted it and the bishop promoted us to get married fast.
Eventually I couldn’t reconcile her feelings on the issue since they were to foreign to mine as well as other issuers we had in common but she wasn’t all that gung-ho about.
Long story short I dumped her. Semi regretted for many years as it was the only real sticking point and it wasn’t that she didn’t respect me or my ideas. It’s just hard to comprehend to people that aren’t raised in this manner who is hurt in this situation. Well, if you are raised in in one way it will hurt a lot. Not raised in this way it hard to see who gets hurt, thus what the big deal is. I waited until I got married recently after my mistake, for which I am glad.
But I wish I hadn’t been as hard in her as I was at that time.
I simply could not understand her at all but now over time I began to see that it wasn’t so black and white.
I feel people should both respect each other’s needs, understand and help each other.
That doesn’t always mean compromise, but it does mean understanding.
I don’t know if he respects you or not. I great deal is needed to see expressions and thought.
However regardless, he should still respect your values while you try to understand his situation. What is like for him
Growing up. Doesn’t mean giving in. But it is hard for people like my ex who weren’t raised on this manner. It takes a ton of disapline over time and isn’t as easy as ok, will wait.
If he cares enough about you he will respect your values, that however doesn’t mean it won’t be difficult or frustrating for a person. Just in the end he will help you help yourself.
That’s my 2 cents after going through this before and in hind sight.
I am happy I remained celibate after that point and to. Until I am married now.
However I wish I wasn’t so judge mental to her upbringing. It really is hard to see for people what any big deal is to any value until they see the consequences themselves. Most likely in their upbringing they haven’t so it’s difficult for them to comprehend.
It’s about love, understanding, trust and respect.
If it dies to have that or moving toward that then it won’t work long term.
Be honest with yourself where it and you are at.– take care.
Thank you all for your kind support and helpful tips. 
I just called him and talked to him about how I felt, and he said that he would respect my desicion and do his best to support me. I hope that this will start a new chapter in my life, and maybe his as well, but I will not force his hand… I love him deeply. Forgive me for the awkward and somewhat hurried reply, but I just wanted to thank you so much for your support. I really need it. This group is amazing…. And I hope you don’t mind the presence of a young adult who has lots of questions.Quote:I hope you don’t mind the presence of a young adult who has lots of questions.
Not at all. We can’t give unanimous answers to any question, since we all see things differently, but we can give you input and try to help you find answers that make sense to you personally.
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