The “First Discussion” With My Wife

Don’t think that because you passed a checkpoint in your discussion that you are now on the same page. People don’t move/progress/grow in a linear fashion. There can be a lot of vacillation. Sometimes you can say too much when you feel that a person is on the same page and then later those words might be used against you.

I would recommend to keep it slow, positive, and indefinate.

One thing to say is – “I’ve decided that I don’t believe in XYZ.”

A better thing to say is – “In talking online, I found someone that struggles with issue XYZ and I’m sympathetic to their situation.[Further detailed explanation] How might you feel about that?”

Sometimes my DW says things like, “I think that person should just quit whining and fulfill their responsibility.”

We can have the discussion in a non-confrontational way.

This might be too “beating around the bush” for your taste but it seems to work well for me.

Manageable doses are important.

What that means will vary per individual, but the principle remains constant.

I am the “wife” that my husband had to share his disaffection with about a year ago.

It was a very shocking thing for me to hear, but I also knew something was up and was glad he finally felt like he could share it. He shared his beliefs in chunks, not all at once. To his surprise I actually agreed on several of his points and was aware of several of the historical issues.

The biggest thing for me was that he was just as invested in our relationship and family as he was as a TBM. He also cared deeply about what this would mean to our kids and their well being. We have a 18 year old down to a 4 year old. Our families don’t really know. My family is pretty open, although very TBM. His family is….extreme. My kids all receive the New Era or Friend for Christmas (own copies). That will be an interesting bridge.

We don’t agree on everything and have had to navigate through things as they come. Some days are still difficult but probably more so because of the church culture we live in than anything. There is a website she might like that I searched for awhile called FacesEast. The same people that run StayLDS use it. I actually have found StayLDS to be more helpful for me. Like I said before I was aware of the issues though.

Good luck!

I really liked your approach. I think what you did well was confirm some things so she didn’t have to have fear it was all or nothing…that you were going to drastically change your home life. You sounded very caring about her…not just wanting to vomit all your thoughts out and have her deal with it.

If I were in your shoes, I’d be wondering how far you are wanting to go with it, and then if you NEED to talk about it or not.

For example, are you wanting to change things, that make it so it is better to start talking about this. Like you don’t want to pay tithing anymore, don’t want to go to 3 hours of church, don’t want to wear garments…so if you are wanting those changes…then ya…you should think about bringing some things up in a similar caring way you did before.

But if you simply have changing beliefs or views, but you will keep going to church and doing what you are doing now without any changes, then I say hold off the talks until something presents itself and the topic can be brought up in the context of a natural conversation where you can share your views.

Where do you see it going?

The biggest thing for me was that he was just as invested in our relationship and family as he was as a TBM.

This is very poignant. It hits home when it is creating fears or doubts on the commitment in the family at home. If it can be an item that isn’t going to change the commitment, it is less of an issue. Fear of the unknown can drive people to become very judgmental, accusatory, or have them go seek advice from a bishop (which ain’t good).

I have done some reflecting since my original two cents and I have another two cents. Based on responses to my similar request for support, I think you would do well to also continually reiterate that which you do believe and/or can believe. It sounds like you have done that to an extent, repeating it won’t hurt IMO.

Thanks DJ, I appreciate your four cents ( 🙂 ), even though you and I have had different experiences on this subject.

I think I will take things somewhat slow for now with my wife.

I’m debating about how much further to discuss things with her and at what pace, considering how well this discussion went. Does anyone have any advice moving forward after a “first discussion” like this?

I can’t remember how far you want to go with your LDS-distancing (either internally or through behavior). Perhaps you could mention it real quick here for background.

In any case, I would recommend going slowly as others recommend. I have found myself in situations lately where I have to orient people to new ideas and situations. I already know what I want them to do, where I would like to see them land attitudinally, and am several miles ahead of them.

It’s best to let the idea of what you are trying to accomplish/communicate settle on them for a while. Let them decide how they feel about it — they often feel differently than they say they did during the conversation after reflection.

And, when your wife is willing to talk again, be prepared to fashion her own expectations, thoughts and feelings into your current position on the church. Let her ideas influence your own opinion about what level of involvement you want in the church, and be open-minded.

For me it’s like this — there are times when I would like to quit my job and be a full-time music event promoter. But I know that my family needs me and so I can’t do that. …church is lkind of like that too.

Thanks SD, I don’t have any plans right now for LDS-distancing through behavior. The distancing internally has just been happening on it’s own, at least for some LDS beliefs.

I have no problem with is keeping an open mind and listening to my wife’s thoughts.

I am the “wife” that my husband had to share his disaffection with about a year ago.

It was a very shocking thing for me to hear, but I also knew something was up and was glad he finally felt like he could share it. He shared his beliefs in chunks, not all at once. To his surprise I actually agreed on several of his points and was aware of several of the historical issues.

The biggest thing for me was that he was just as invested in our relationship and family as he was as a TBM. He also cared deeply about what this would mean to our kids and their well being. We have a 18 year old down to a 4 year old. Our families don’t really know. My family is pretty open, although very TBM. His family is….extreme. My kids all receive the New Era or Friend for Christmas (own copies). That will be an interesting bridge.

We don’t agree on everything and have had to navigate through things as they come. Some days are still difficult but probably more so because of the church culture we live in than anything. There is a website she might like that I searched for awhile called FacesEast. The same people that run StayLDS use it. I actually have found StayLDS to be more helpful for me. Like I said before I was aware of the issues though.

Good luck!

I think your advice has been the most helpful so far because it is almost like having insight into what my wife is thinking and feeling. Thank you so much for sharing this.

We have 5 children, ranging from 16 to 6, so it sounds like we are in similar situations. Right now I’m OK continuing going to church, fulfilling my calling, etc. I’m going to take things slowly.

The church culture can be difficult to navigate for those with issues and doubts with the church, and TBM family members can be even more difficult. I worry more about my wife’s side more than my side. My father has had some church issues in the past, was excommunicated, I ended up re-baptizing him several years ago. There are a few TBM brothers and sisters. Although, I actually shared some of my issues with the church to my gay brother who is completely understanding. In other words, I think have some understanding support from my side of the family.

I did some looking around and forum lurking for a while and StayLDS was the one I thought would be the most helpful for me and I have to say that has been proven in just a few weeks. That said, while advice from forum strangers can be great, I think I was looking to get some kind of sense from my wife what she would do if she were in my shoes. The conversation I had with her I think in some ways confirmed the path I’m on is fine for now.