Dating a non member

It is a difficult question for many reasons. I don’t feel comfortable saying either “yes it is fine” or “no you better not.” Whether or not it is right for you depends on many things, including your own beliefs, the feelings of your close family and friends, the views of your BF’s close family, friends, community, etc. I know it may not sound right to include so many people in a decision but what I am saying is we don’t live in a vacuum and we need to be fully prepared for how those people close to us will react to our decisions. I would suggest you take enough time to consider every situation that may follow (at least as many as you can come up with), how it will feel to you and how you may deal with it — and suggest the same exercise to your BF.

I know, I’m as romantic as a robot.

I dated a catholic girl in high school.

I always knew I wanted a temple marriage. But I wasn’t dating at that young age to get married. So I dated to have fun.

When it was time to go to BYU and prepare for my mission, I left to go to BYU. She talked one time with me if I could stay back east, closer to where she was in college, and we could give it a chance if someday we get married. I told her no.

I had my life goals, BYU, mission, marriage. I wanted to find someone that fit into my life goals, not give up my goals for someone.

I don’t think there is one person we marry, I think if we put ourselves in the right places, we find lots of options of who we choose to marry.

But, I realize the person is more important than just being a member of the church or not. Member, or non-member, is that person helping you be who you want to be and reaching your life goals, or are you changing who you are to try to not lose someone you like? Religion is a part of who you are, but it is not cut and dry, any church member will make you happy, and all non-members will keep God from blessing you. It doesn’t work that way.

Just make a list in your journal of what you want in life, what do you see yourself in 10 years from now being. Then be patient and let the right person who helps you achieve your goals to come to you.

Dating sucks. If I were to find myself single tomorrow – I would be just as aweful at it as I ever was…and that is substantially aweful.

Temple marriage in NOT the formula for happiness. But for many Mormons, it IS A PART of the recipe for happiness.

In other thread the following divorce statistics were shared:

Quote:

I mean divorce rates of Mormons married to non-members. When I checked, the published rate was around 41% – the highest among religious couples. For members married to members outside the temple, it was around 20% – dead solid average for religious couples. The temple marriage divorce rate was about 10-12% – the lowest rate among religious couples.

Only you can know if you have enough in common with your BF to offset the religious difference. Only you can know how important different riligious principles are to you or to him.

I say “only you can know” but I don’t believe you can know really. You are making an educated guess about how the rest of your lives might turn out. But nobody knows the future. It would be smart to know yourself and your BF as well as possible before making lifelong committments. Communicate everything!!! Hopes, dreams, plans, values.

In the end the choice is yours. The temple ceremony says “by your free will and choice.” My prayer for you is that you will choose your (judiciously and carefully selected) love, and forever love your choice.

P.S. You mentioned that marriage outside the temple might not be forever. I don’t believe that. I believe that God will honor any and all marriages in which the couple has truly become “one.” I do believe that sometimes the belief that one partner must conform to XYZ in order to qualify for an eternal marriage sometimes becomes a wedge in the relationship and becomes a barrier to acheiving “oneness.”

Jane,

I have some questions. I ask them in hopes of better understanding and that perhaps in answering them you also might understand your own heart better.

Having been married/sealed before and having the relationship turn out so wrong, What are the lessons your experience has taught you? How might you apply those lessons to this new relationship?

Having had questions/troubles with temple origen/wording etc, what are your feelings and belief about temple ceremonies?

Even if you don’t want to answer “out loud,” I think it is important that you know the answers and have thought about them.

Your friend,

Roy

You’ve gotten some great responses and advice here Jane. I just wanted to address one thing.

Janes now wrote:

Naturally I’m confused gospel wise and am worried if god will punish me for not marrying a member as in the temple. If we get serious I want to be with him forever. But he’s catholic. Will god rip us apart in the next life because we aren’t sealed?

When I first talked to my husband about my faith issues, he was worried about the eternal consequences it would have on our marriage. I was too, at first. Until I realized that the God I believe in is a loving God. He would NEVER keep two people who loved and served and supported one another through this life apart in the next simply because they didn’t go through the sealing ceremony in the LDS church. That just completely defies logic to me and contradicts what I believe the nature of God to be. I have extended family who aren’t members and it’s been interesting to me to watch their marriages. Almost all of them have been married upwards of 40 years now and they have great relationships and have raised great kids. It baffles the mind to think that they would be kept apart in the next life. DH and I have talked about this a lot and we’re both confident that our marriage and love for each other will carry into whatever eternity may bring.

Follow your heart.

Jazernorth wrote:

Here is my 2 cents:

Date someone that most reflects your religious and political views. If they differ too far at the start, you just have a bigger hill to climb. Marriage is hard in the first place and adding the stress of different religious views just adds to the difficulty.

That said, you marry who you date. That statement is absolutely true, so date someone that fits the above.

You ‘may’ slip into differences later on with views of religion, but it is OK to have that slip later. You will have already worked through some of the hard relationship issues in marriage. After 5 and 10 years your marriage will be more solid and be able to handle (hopefully!!!!!) the differing religious and political views.

There is my 2 cents worth.

Good advice from Jazernorth….the more similar you are in fundamental values and beliefs, the easier marriage will be — there are always unexpected features of your spouse you never anticipated prior to getting married — it is not wise to embrace wide variances of basic value systems knowingly when there can be so many other challenges to face that are unexpected.

http://psychcentral.com/lib/7-ways-to-make-interfaith-relationships-work/0006977” class=”bbcode_url”>http://psychcentral.com/lib/7-ways-to-make-interfaith-relationships-work/0006977

http://marriageandfamilies.byu.edu/issues/2003/January/change.aspx” class=”bbcode_url”>http://marriageandfamilies.byu.edu/issues/2003/January/change.aspx

When you become upset or disappointed with your imperfect partner, four things often happen: 3, 4

1. You blame your partner for your unhappiness. You judge your partner’s behavior as wrong, unfair or unjust.

2. You fail to see your contribution to the problem. In many, but not all cases, your attitudes or behaviors have played some role in the occurrence and persistence of the problem.

3. You attempt to get your partner to change his or her behavior.

4. Your partner becomes defensive and resists change.

Consider this example. James and Robyn have been married eight years and have three children, ages two, four, and seven. James comes home and feels overwhelmed by the apparent disorder and confusion. He thinks to himself, “What has Robyn been doing all day? I can’t handle this mess everyday.” James wants to eat and relax, and he blames his wife for not providing a calm and orderly home. He fails to understand that Robyn is worn out, and that he usually does little to help with the house work and kids. Without really seeing beyond his own view, James criticizes his wife, and Robyn feels accused of laziness and incompetence. She gets defensive and blames him for not helping her more.

In many conflict situations such as this, little is accomplished because the focus of change is on the spouse. The spouse, however, is not likely to alter his habits or personality just because you want him to. No matter how hard you try to squeeze change out of your partner, he or she will change only when the person wants to change.5

But if you can’t change your partner, how can you solve the relationship problem? One answer is this: you can effect some change in the relationship if you are willing to CHANGE YOURSELF! The focus of change becomes you, NOT YOUR PARTNER. Consider the words of Norma Tarazi, an authority on Muslim families:

Dr. Brent Barlow, a professor of marriage and family at Brigham Young University, likened the parable of the mote and the beam, given by the Jewish rabbi Jesus, to marital conflict. The parable states that one should first examine one’s own large faults (the beam, a large piece of wood) before you criticize the small faults (the mote, a small speck of sawdust) in your partner.12 I have adapted Dr. Barlow’s ideas and present three steps to the Change First principle.

1. Exercise patience with your partner’s faults and annoying habits. Drop the insistence that he or she must change.

2. Take responsibility to change yourself and improve the relationship. The focus becomes you, not your partner. You change first.

3. Assuming there is good will and love between you and your spouse, your partner may then desire to also change. As you act in loving, forgiving, and benevolent ways, your spouse may reciprocate. Tarazi explained that the other person might improve, perhaps in response to your improvement.13

[/url]http://marriage.lifetips.com/cat/7445/religion-in-marriage/index.html[/url]

http://m.psychologytoday.com/blog/whats-your-sexual-style/201207/what-makes-happy-successful-marriage” class=”bbcode_url”>http://m.psychologytoday.com/blog/whats-your-sexual-style/201207/what-makes-happy-successful-marriage

What Makes a Happy, Successful Marriage?

By Barry W. McCarthy, Ph.D. on July 13, 2012 – 1:17pm

A healthy marriage is satisfying, stable, and sexual. The following factors are most predictive of a healthy marriage.

A. Historical factors

1. Growing up in an intact, functional family

2. Parents were a good, not perfect, marital and sexual model

3. Both parents functioned well psychologically

B. Pre-disposing factors

4. At least 21 at time of marriage and not pregnant

5. Marry for positive reasons: to share your life with your spouse. Marriage not driven by negative motivations such as fear of loneliness, parental or peer pressure, rescue a floundering life

6. Know partner for at least one year

7. Commonalities in terms of socio-economic class, race, religion, education

8. Physical attraction with potential to develop an intimate sexual relationship

9. Discuss important life organization issues: work, money, children, where to live

10. Support of family and friends

11. Prospective spouse as a respectful, trusting friend

12. If cohabitating, treating the marital decision as a proactive choice, not sliding into marriage

13. Sharing important information about self, no major secrets

C. Process factors

14. Marital bond of respect, trust, and intimacy grows stronger and more resilient in the first two years of marriage

15. Develop a mutually agreed-on couple style for handling differences and conflicts

16. Wait at least two years before the birth of a planned, wanted child

17. Develop a comfortable, functional couple sexual style which integrates intimacy, pleasuring, and eroticism

18. Accept that approximately 30% of problems are resolvable, 50-60% are modifiable, and that 10-20% need to be accepted and coped with

19. Maintain positive, realistic personal and marital expectations

20. Use the guideline of a 5 to 1 positive-negative set of thoughts, feelings, and behavior toward your spouse and marriage

I encourage each spouse (or partner) to honestly assess each factor on a five point scale:

++ A major strength

+ A positive factor

0 neutral

– A vulnerability

— A major vulnerability

Be honest with yourself; don’t give the politically correct or socially desirable answer.

Next, share and discuss these factors.

Find your results less-than satisfactory? Here’s what each category means for your relationship:

Historical factors increase awareness, but are not in your control and are not changeable.

The pre-disposing factors are potentially changeable. You and your partner need to share strengths and vulnerabilities in assessing your challenges in creating and maintaining a healthy marriage.

Process factors are most in your control and potentially the most changeable. However, follow the guideline of factor 18, make wise decisions (those which will be helpful emotionally and practically and work in both the short and long term). A sign of an unhealthy marriage is making decisions that are emotional and short term, but not wise.

Remember, the focus of this self, partner, and relationship assessment is to empower you to create a satisfying, stable, and sexual marriage. If you identify major personal and relational vulnerabilities I encourage you to seek professional counseling to address these issues and give you the resources to create and maintain a healthy marriage.

That is a start. Take care.