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So, a few months ago I was called to be the first counselor to the elders quorum president. It has perhaps been the most difficult calling I have ever had, because I have served at the moment of my deepest disaffection with the church. In the past, I have had the fire of my conviction to sustain me and to motivate me to do my best. Now, I know that I am doing an important thing, but I feel a deep sense of sadness because I understand now that I may never be a fully enfranchised member of the church, due to being a single, gay man who probably will not marry or have children. The promise of the church has failed me. I feel that when I am at church, I labor to build a kingdom for others that I will never enjoy myself. This has led me to choose not to attend very much church in the past year or so. I go when they need me. Anyway, whether it’s for the best or not, elders quorum seems to equal home teaching. It’s our raison d’être if you will. I’ve had a very difficult time buying into the program since my disaffection. Before, I did it partially out of a sense of duty and to avoid feelings of guilt. Now, the fire has gone out, and I really have a hard time with the program. Our presidency met together on Tuesday night to scrap the companionships and districts that have become ossified and inefficient over the past several years, and to draw new geographically based companionships and assignments. Again, I know that it needs to be done, but as the song goes, I’ve lost that loving feeling.
When I was in elementary school, we used to have something called Valentine’s Tea. All of the boys and girls were paired up, and sat together making conversation over cookies and punch. I suppose it was a kind of contrived way to teach the boy some manners that fit in with the popular holiday. Both of the years that I participated in it I was paired with the weirdest girl in the class. I think that my teachers knew that I would be kind to them and trusted me with the responsibility. I have genuinely tried to be kind person throughout my life. I know there are many people who need kindness, and need to know that somebody cares about them, and I know that home teaching plays a part in this. I suppose one of the things that disturbs me the most about home teaching is the concept of assigned friends. I do like the concept of looking out for our fellow brothers and sisters, but it’s difficult for me to get over the awkwardness of being one another’s projects. It’s difficult to feel genuine about it at times.
I guess I don’t have anything else to say. I feel less motivated to be a part of it because so few of my needs are met at church. I have encountered the paradox of service many times in my life through my church work – that is, that when we lose ourselves in the service of others we gain happiness for ourselves in some mysterious way that seems to defy the conservation of energy. But the genuine part of me just wants to scream out to the universe against pro forma visiting and being visited. And I probably don’t even need to tell you about how much I hate the numbers game and the inevitable guilt trips.
What to do… I just don’t know. Just keep plugging on? I’m weary. I’m discouraged. And maybe for the first time in my life I’m nearly hopeless. But the works got a be done, doesn’t it?
I found new happiness in HT when I started visiting those who need it the most – widows, single sisters, people who are struggling in some way. I just had a radical thought, but have you talked with your Bishop, who knows at least the basics of your core struggle, and asked if you can be assigned to people who will understand that struggle and feel an affinity to a HT who is facing what you are facing. Maybe you can reach people nobody else can reach.
I don’t know, but I thought I would share what hit me.
I got through it as HPGL by focusing on getting the quorum excited about service projects, socials, and other events that don’t involve home teaching. I supported and PPI’d the ones who DO their home teaching, to strengthen them. I left the non-home teachers alone, and covered up the lack of visits with a monthly mailing list that I sent to people who were not getting visited. I counted these visits in my total. I learned that PPIs with brethren who do not do their home teaching was not a positive experience, unless I focused only on how they were doing personally. So, HT was a program I tolerated while investing in things that really mattered to the brethren. Everyone was assigned, but much of it was for show and tell rather than a hope of results.
It really is all about people and helping people with needs. Here in Colorado we had floods recently. One single woman had her basement flooded. The HT organized a group to clear furniture and pull up carpet before mold would set in. It was one of those examples of pure religion, and was good to see.
Unfortunately, I see about 95% of HTing not being that, and for leaders who have to track and ask others to go do their duty it must be tedious.
Is it possible to view it kind of like a lawyer views his job? Much of it is not fun, and sometimes a lawyer has internal conflict (defending a criminal, for example), but in the system, there is a need for it to be done for the good of the whole.
Even if you view it that way, HOW you do it and what personal views and talents you bring to the job that needs to be done is all up to you. Perhaps you are needed in that role to do it differently than others because someone else needs your views.
turinturambar wrote:I feel that when I am at church, I labor to build a kingdom for others that I will never enjoy myself. This has led me to choose not to attend very much church in the past year or so.
I go when they need me.
The thought that comes to my mind is that StayLDS is part of the kingdom, too. When you go to church, you’re also helping to build purpose and connection here at this site because we hear about your experiences. That benefits us, but you, too, I hope, in a roundabout way.
I know that deflated feeling, but you have experienced it more than most at church. I hope you can “go” when someone needs you and feel happy to have done it – the flooded basement, ride to the repair shop, etc. Maybe just let the rest of it slide. Tell them what you’re up for now and set aside flow charts and reports. If they need someone who is very attentive to that kind of stuff, then I guess they’ll release you. I always like what Ray says about callings: When they call you, they get
you. I think it’s important to have the home teaching assignments set up. This is so there is an understood infrastructure in place to help people in need, when needs arise. The HT structure allows Bishops and Priesthood Leaders to call on someone who has a previously understood role to help a specific family. It acts as a buffer between the busy leadership and the needs of the Ward when families have legitimate needs. However, I think the actual visiting of families when they are self-sufficient doesn’t matter when the family doesn’t want the visit.
Home teaching works best when you don’t stick to a script. It should be tailored to each individual, not a chore. I find people are more spiritually receptive when you don’t just read something at them, but share out the work/readings, discuss etc. Listen to their problems as well, that’s important.
The church is at its worst when it does one size fits all. That might control apostasy, but it doesn’t really fit anyone well.
Your difference makes you off-beam, but it also means that you can understand outsiders and those struggling.
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