Temple, tithing, garments

I very strongly relate to your experience and I feel your emotion. I am sorry for you, and anyone else, who endures this. Many here have been in exactly the same place you are in now. You are among friends who understand you.

I describe my crisis of faith very much like you describe yours – it all just came crashing down around me. I felt so lost and alone. That was years ago now, but the feelings have not all gone away.

Know this: the gospel of Jesus Christ and the Church of Jesus Christ or latter-day Saints are not one-in-the-same. They are intertwined, but they are different. Find you faith, find what you really do believe in and rebuild from there. The parts of the church that intertwine will become apparent and you will be in a position to better understand what you want and what you need to do or not do.

Reading this makes me remember back to how raw everything was in the early days. DW was the Primary President and I was the Ward Mission Leader when we had our crisis of faith. Unfortunately, it was far too public.

I believe there is a bit of a tension there. If you don’t tell anyone of your powerful feelings then how can they ever hope to support you. OTOH, letting the cat out of the bag usually brings about condemnation rather than support. I believe that the more public the revelations of your feelings the more circling the wagons that ensues. Perhaps the ideal would be to find one or two close friends that can be confided in and are open enough to support you without judgment. (I have found this group to be awesome at this but it couldn’t hurt to have a face to face friend too :angel: )

We got a “do over” when we moved to a different state. I’m not exactly embraced by the membership, but things aren’t adversarial either. I think some people have their opinions, some others aren’t quite sure what to make of me, and by far the largest group just do their thing at church and don’t take notice.

One piece of advice that is really worth while is to take it slow. Keep your options open. Elder Uchdorf recently said something to the effect of, “stay with us a little longer.”

I am a convert of 14 years and feel like I was lied to and deceived about the faith

One thing that is helpful to me is to understand that people aren’t lying. They are generally repeating a cultural narative that they have built their identities on. Perhaps it is like the stories of the first thanksgiving. The stories are not historically accurate. Does that make it a lie for your kid to participate in an elementary school play on the subject.

For me it is helpful to distinguish the two. I was born into and indoctrinated into a heritage that has some really great elements and a lot of false notions as well. I try to have tolerance and compassion that can see no other perspective than their perspective. Perhaps those that would defend the faith the loudest and most dogmatically have nothing else to fall back on. (My MIL still insists that birth control is a sin. She is completely unable to understand that the church has moved on without her. The church that exists in her mind is incapable of deviating from the standard of right and wrong that was prevelant when she was growing up and raising a family.)

My oldest is about to be baptized.

Mine too! I am focusing it as an outward symbol of her desire to become a follower of Christ. I am focusing on the Gift of the HG as something that will help her develop her own unique spiritual gifts. We have been having FHE lessons for months in preparation. I have explicitly said that it is not the water that washes away sins, HF and Jesus forgive because they love you and want you to pick up and try again without being tied to all our past mistakes all the time.

And then again, I cannot imagine my life without church, but still am not willing to compromise about tithing, temple and garments.

IMO temples and tithing are the least public of the things to change. Nobody really knows how often you might go to the temple, temple recommends are only every 2 years, and it would probably be months before anyone noticed a change in your tithing. I continue to wear garments, although for me it is all about not having any other underwear and respecting the perspective of DW. It is my perception that wearing garments is more of a burden/sacrifice for women than it is for men.

Welcome. Many people here have been where you are.

The best advice at the beginning has been mentioned already, and Pres. Uchtdorf (serious man-crush) taught it in one of his airplane-related talks, but it is critical to slow down and avoid hyperventilating or reacting in an extreme manner. For example, it’s natural to feel like people lied to you, but they didn’t. They really didn’t. They explained the best they could, but they (and each of us) see through their glasses, darkly. Given the haziness, they see things differently than you do – and that’s fine, even as it can be shocking when you’ve heard that the answers and uniform and easy. They might be to people who see the same way, but they aren’t to everyone else.

It takes time to build a personal faith – to leave behind one’s spiritual childhood and become an adult of God. Allow yourself that time – and know that there are people who understand, many of whom remain involved (and, in lots of cases, fully active) in the LDS Church, despite their faith transition. Where you end up will depend largely on factors outside your own individual control, but that isn’t a bad thing, in and of itself. I’ve had a back-and-forth professional career that has been MUCH more about my wife and children (meaning where we lived has been much more important than what I did as a job), and, while I would have liked to have more stable employment in one location, it simply wasn’t best for “us” – no matter if it would have been best for “me”.

Faith is like that, as well, in the sense that others are affected by our actions and the personal faith we construct. So, my advice is to build that personal faith, and then act in such a way as to “do no harm” (or as little as possible) to those you love. It’s not easy, but we are here for you.

I’m really sorry you’re in the middle of this painful process. I was where you are about 15 months ago. I was lucky to find this website because it allowed me to have a safe place to let off steam, discuss concerns and get support.

14 years is worth something. I completely understand the 2-3 week sickening crash. I nearly wrote my resignation letter after a few weeks. But I made myself take my time.

My faith perspective is very different to what it used to be. But I’m happy and willing to go to church. Come back often and hopefully we can support you on reaching whatever conclusion is best for you (and we make no assumptions what that conclusion should be).

Loss, confusion, anger are all pretty normal for all of us. If temple, tithing and garments are getting to you then stop doing those thing for now and take a deep breath and reevaluated in a few weeks, months or how ever long it takes. I am still doing that. Keep you husband in the loop and thank him for his service and thank you for your also. Having your spouse gone and having a faith crisis can be a very heavy load, so if we can help please let us know and try to find a few locals that can help you through this difficult time.

Hi Brokenfaith.

You’ve already gotten plenty of wonderful advice from the wonderful people here at StayLDS. I just want to add my voice to theirs in saying that you’re not alone. Those three points (temple, tithing, garments) were difficult for me as well. Currently, I don’t attend the temple, wear garments, or pay tithing. Right now, I can’t see myself ever doing those things again, but I also don’t know what the future will bring and that’s okay. I don’t have to have all the answers right now.

Like you, I’m seeing a therapist and that has been very helpful to me in this area and others in my life. Your journey is yours alone. Trust yourself to make the right decisions and to have the ability to know what is best for you.

I just wanted to add a little here as well. I stopped wearing my garments, attending the Temple, and paying tithing within the past six months. I remember when my world began to unravel..there were many tears and the feeling of, “If not this, then what?” You are not alone. Finding this site was a Godsend and it has helped me SO much, knowing there are others traveling a similar path as mine.

Ditto