Well, hello there!

Hello,

I’ve been reading staylds for quite sometime. Thought I’d introduce myself. :wave: I’m Eric. I’m 31 years old, married, have 4 living children, live in the greater Seattle area in Washington . My faith journey is similar to many of you here, but I’ll relate it anyways, because I do so love to talk(type?).

Like many I was born into the church, served a mission (Antofagasta, Chile 2001-2003), was married in the temple, and continue participating in my local ward (currently EQ Sec). From the surface, my faith journey appears to have started 2-3 years ago. In reality my journey has been a life long adventure. Suffice it to say I was exposed to various issues prior to my mission. I mostly accepted apologetic answers for them and put them on a shelf. I was able to remain in stage 3 of fowler’s stages. In my mission I had my first serious crisis of faith where I worried the Church wasn’t true. This time, it was through my own study of the scriptures and seeing the paradox contained therein, which made it all the worse, since I couldn’t dismiss it as anti-mormon propaganda. For the first time I stepped fully in stage 4 and felt my world begin to collapse. I considered leaving my mission. What kept me out was a healthy dose of fear: fear I was being misled, fear of what family would think, fear of hellfire and brimstone. So I stayed. With time, I was able to appease my doubt, convince myself that Satan was just trying to deceive me and shelve the issues once again, such that the pain and agony I was feeling dissipated. Somehow I again entered stage 3 of faith. Eventually, I forgot all about it.

Fast forward a number of years after my mission. I was still faithful, didn’t have any really hard spiritual challenges (though the loss of a child rocked my boat a bit, I still felt somehow it was Gods will), and overall believed fully in the literalness of the church and scriptures. One day, the thought entered my mind…”What if…what if it’s not true?” I had entertained the thought previously, so I’m not sure what made this moment so much different. 6 months prior I remember talking with a co-worker who was trying to convince my that Joseph Smith was a narcissist and a fraud. I declared full of “faith” that nothing he could say would change my mind (which was right at the time, being completely convinced of my own knowledge and testimony). But at this time it made all the difference. Somehow I was able to look at my whole life from a different perspective, one void of the lens of “faith.” For the first time I looked critically at my testimony.

When I was 14 I attempted to get a testimony, so I could be like everyone else, so full of faith and conviction. I prayed but never truly got an answer. I convinced myself that I didn’t need one because I already knew it was true. I was so desperate for the assurance, for the certainty! Since that experience at 14, over and over I have prayed about truthfulness of the church, just for a confirmation. I have poured my soul out asking God for further light and knowledge. Never, have I received an answer, not even as a missionary with doubt wanting nothing more than to do Gods will. So when I again found myself questioning but this time, convinced I never had a testimony, my whole world did collapse. I was in agony. Never have I been so miserable as those months of doubt and confusion! At this time I was fully in stage 4 and though I didn’t know it at the time, I was fully deconstructing my faith. I’ve heard a lot of people’s stories where they would work their way down one belief at a time. For me, I just jumped all the way to the bottom. I became an instant atheist. If the church wasn’t true, and God wouldn’t answer my prayer knowing how sincere I was and how much I was willing to do anything to know, then God surely must not exist! Atheism for me lasted less than a day. I just couldn’t logically accept that God didn’t exists. So from there I started going over my beliefs little by little, trying to decide what I did and didn’t believe.

Fast-forward to present day. I’ve come a long way from the total lack of belief. My world was forever changed by my “faith crisis.” It was a catalyst that started my faith transition. Today I’ve reconstructed much of my faith. I live in a world of uncertainty, or as Ray is known to say, I see through a glass darkly. Where at one time I did all I could to expel uncertainty, today I embrace it as a part of life. I like to call myself a pragmatic Mormon. My testimony is experience based. I’ve been greatly influence by the likes of Given’s, England and Wotherspoon. I accept that we each have a unique journey, with different experiences that shape and mould us. Life is the sum of the choices we make. We can choose to believe or not believe as we see fit. In the end, we are responsible for the happiness we get out of life and what we choose to do and believe has a great impact on this. In the end I believe who we become will validate or invalidate the choices we make.

I choose to believe. I choose to stayLds. That’s my choice.

I hope to have lots of meaningful discussion with you all! I know there are some very smart people on here. Somethings you just can’t discuss in sunday school….

Eric