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Hello all! My name is jmohave. What a year this has been! I grew up in a non-LDS home with my inactive, Chilean mother and my non-member stepfather. My parents divorced when I was three. I remained active in the church by attending services off and on with my father. I was baptized, active as a teenager, went to scouts and mutual, served a mission and came back to study at BYU. I am currently at BYU, graduating in a year and a half. Last October I started dating my wife whom I married 5 months ago in the Temple. Shortly thereafter I felt that getting married was a grave mistake. I was not well and I started to go to therapy. Therapy has helped me be much more open, honest and compassionate with myself. Communication was improved between me and my wife. I came to know myself a lot more. I still have a long way to go.
With this new view on life I looked into the church. I do not believe that the LDS church is the only way to God. I do not believe in Joseph Smith as a prophet. I do not believe that the Book of Mormon is a literal history of America as the church claims. I’m unsure of God’s existence and that is OK with me. I am considering resigning from the church–“pulling my records”–this is hard right now. I will be expelled from BYU if I leave the church. I am still very ambivalent and unsure about my marriage. My wife loves the idea of eternal families and wants that to be true. She loves me and would never want divorce. I say I love my wife but honestly I do not know what that means. We have common ground and have fun together. In the back of my mind, though, there is this little guy poking me, insisting me to question the relationship.
I introduce myself looking for friends and compadres. May you be kept safe and in good health! Peace be upon you!
jmohave
I don’t have a lot of time, but I want to welcome you. I hope we can help in some way. We say this a lot here, but:
SLOW DOWNand don’t do anything in the heat of the moment. Especially if you are 3 semesters from graduating from BYU, absolutely don’t resign your membership. There is no need to do so. At the absolute least, give yourself until graduation – and, frankly, given what you’ve said about your wife, do your best to find peace in the Church. You don’t have to be a hardcore, traditional believer to accomplish that. You just have to be comfortable with yourself and your own faith. Again, welcome.
Is it possible that much of your angst is a result of post honeymoon blues? Those first couple of years…not the most fun years of life.
Anyway…I think you have found a place of friends and a safe place to vent and work through your thoughts and emotions.
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Welcome, I have been where you are now. As Ray said, don’t do anything rash, slow down and step back to try to see the bigger picture. Being a student and married is tough enough without other stressors. You will find at least one person here who agrees with every one of your doubts and some who have most or all of the same ones – and maybe even more. But we’re still in the church (although I haven’t been to a meeting in over 10 years). There are various reasons for that, and I believe that’s what this site is about – helping people find their reason to stay. So you told us what you don’t believe. What
doyou believe? Hi, welcome to the forum. Like Ray said, slow down. Please. For your own sake and your future, slow down. If you quit university it could have a huge impact on employment prospects. Even if you switch to another University (if that’s possible in USA) there will be a question mark about why you switched. With the exception of medical treatment there’s nothing that can’t wait 6-12 months. Sorry if I sound like I’m lecturing. When my crisis kicked in I forced myself to just slow down and study both sides of the story. I don’t believe many of the traditional/simplified teachings about Mormon origins. But I’m glad I’ll be able to look back and not have made a knee jerk decision.
Elder Holland said:
Quote:
Elder Holland: … If someone can find something in the Book of Mormon, anything that they love or respond to or find dear, I applaud that and say more power to you. That’s what I find, too. And that should not in any way discount somebody’s liking a passage here or a passage there or the whole idea of the book, but not agreeing to its origin, its divinity. …I think you’d be as aware as I am that that we have many people who are members of the church who do not have some burning conviction as to its origins, who have some other feeling about it that is not as committed to foundational statements and the premises of Mormonism. But we’re not going to invite somebody out of the church over that any more than we would anything else about degrees of belief or steps of hope or steps of conviction. … We would say: “This is the way I see it, and this is the faith I have; this is the foundation on which I’m going forward. If I can help you work toward that I’d be glad to, but I don’t love you less; I don’t distance you more; I don’t say you’re unacceptable to me as a person or even as a Latter-day Saint if you can’t make that step or move to the beat of that drum.” … We really don’t want to sound smug. We don’t want to seem uncompromising and insensitive.
http://www.pbs.org/mormons/interviews/holland.html There is a middle way and, for the sake of your education and perhaps your relationship, consider walking it, if only for 12 months.
There’s a “quote of the day” thread over in the support forum. You’ll find plenty of evidence that you don’t have to be an orthodox, closed minded Mormon to still enjoy attending.
Be careful not to conflate issues. Marriage struggles are one compartment. There are specific things to work on to build a healthy relationship. Learn about those. The foundations of healthy relationships are trust and commitment. Building love, creating meaning, resolving conflict…all that comes after the foundation is built.
Religion is separate matter, although if it was started with promises in the temple and expectations while courting, and you are changing the playing field…you should remember you are the one changing things, not her. So be compassionate and be kind. Use proper tact (how you say things to avoid shock or offense), timing (right before bed when everyone is dog tired may not be the time to drop a bomb about religion), and dose (only so much can be processed at a time…go slow…let some things be digested a bit before continuing to talk about it).
Also, always start with yourself. What can you work on to improve things?
In my opinion, while at BYU, you should look on campus for resources to help you through this. They have counseling for you privately, and marriage counseling. Your tuition is paying for these resources…use them.
Do you have children? If not…do not fall to the thinking that if you two have a kid, it will bring you closer. If you do, I would work on your relationship together before bringing more children into the home.
Thanks for your kind responses, Old-Timer, cwald, DarkJedi, mackay11, Heber13. Thanks for the welcome. I found much wisdom in what you said. “Slow down” is a great message. Hearing other people’s stories is strengthening.
Perhaps I miscommunicated regarding resigning. I wanted to give you an idea of where I am at. I would be comfortable resigning but because I am at BYU I do not see it as an option. Currently, I would not make that decision. I continue to go to therapy which is very helpful. Not planning on having kids yet.
The church. God. What do I believe? It’s hard to say. I can’t say that I feel “Mormon” . I did not grow up in a Mormon home. I come from a happy functional family that didn’t pray, read scriptures, go to church. My stepfather (not a member) is man of values and morals and I hope to be someone like him. I believe in setting and achieving goals, balance and moderation, equity and equality. I value history and learning from it. I value transparency and honesty. How can I remain part of something that does not abide by what I value?
jmohave wrote:Thanks for your kind responses, Old-Timer, cwald, DarkJedi, mackay11, Heber13. Thanks for the welcome.
I found much wisdom in what you said. “Slow down” is a great message. Hearing other people’s stories is strengthening.
Perhaps I miscommunicated regarding resigning. I wanted to give you an idea of where I am at. I would be comfortable resigning but because I am at BYU I do not see it as an option. Currently, I would not make that decision. I continue to go to therapy which is very helpful. Not planning on having kids yet.
The church. God. What do I believe? It’s hard to say. I can’t say that I feel “Mormon” . I did not grow up in a Mormon home. I come from a happy functional family that didn’t pray, read scriptures, go to church. My stepfather (not a member) is man of values and morals and I hope to be someone like him. I believe in setting and achieving goals, balance and moderation, equity and equality. I value history and learning from it. I value transparency and honesty. How can I remain part of something that does not abide by what I value?
I think the church itself (if there is such a thing) does value all those things you mention. People in the church, and maybe even some in high leadership positions, may not though. I don’t think you’ll find many here who believe the church is perfect and you will find some (including me) who believe the church is not necessarily “true” or “the only true” church. That can be a pretty in depth conversation best carried on in its own thread. You’ll also find some unique and interesting views of God. It’s pretty likely you’ll find one that fits what you think about God. If you weren’t a Mormon, what would you be?
Jmojave, I feel where you are coming from. I’ve had similar personal issues lately….the
best adviceas others have said is to slow down. But also Heber13’s advice not to conflate the issues of church and marriage. In my case, I think that my doubts about my marriage and love for my wife were related to my doubts about the church: She represents the TBM and in feeling misled by the Church, to some degree, I associate her strength in the church with “the church.”
There are other issues for me. No details here but that has really thrown a wrench into my life–so please don’t add any more issues to your own life, including resigning from the church. Because I slowed down,
I’ve begun to see my own happiness and what it means in a different, more positive light.That includes really considering if I love my wife. We also have fun together, but do I really love her in ways more than I would love, say, my sister? I slowed down and just recently realized I’ve been selfish. I am (not just “could be”) walking away a wonderful marriage. I am realizing that is a terrible mistake.
What helped in the beginning was talking with my wife. I was honest about my doubts about the church–something I hadn’t previously imagined I could do. She has been more understanding than I imagined, and although there have been tears and it was difficult, it was important to have a better degree of openness with her. I haven’t told her everything but she was “open” to my doubts about the church and not angry because she knew how serious it was hurting me inside. And because she realized there was a real chance we could separate, she was willing to be more tolerant.
Be careful whom you speak with about your doubts. And to what degree you share. But if your marriage is in jeopardy, your wife is the one person you might consider being a little more open with.
I wish you the best.
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