A Long, Ongoing Journey

Your story is similar to mine, but I’m male and I don’t go to church. I understand your feelings – that’s why I stopped going. I, too, am happy I found this forum. I hope you find what you need here and I look forward to your contributions.

I am glad that you have found us and hope we can be a support for each other. I am in my 50s also and can relate to your story. I look forward to hear more from you.

Thanks for your comments and replies!

In answer to your questions, I managed to navigate life in the church for so long by focusing on what is good about it (mostly the people and belief in the Savior) and not letting myself think about the other “stuff.” That worked for all this time until now. It’s time for me to be honest with myself and my family now. My husband is out of the country for his work for a few more weeks. I plan to talk to him as soon as he gets back. I’m beginning to suspect he is having some of the same feelings.

As far as our children, I’ve supported and loved them in their choices, both in and out of the church. I will continue to do that. When 2 of them started leaving the church and living a different way, I was devastated at first and felt like a failure. Then I realized how crazy that was. They’re great kids who have found a way that works for them. They both seem as happy as the 2 who are active. As I posted in the support forum, I still haven’t found a way to break it to my active sons and DIL, but I’m working on it.

Fwiw, there are some things among my heterodox beliefs that I still haven’t shared with my wife, and we are as close to “soul-mates” as it is possible to be. Being totally honest (which I am) and being totally open (which I am with most things) are two very different things, and I have no desire whatsoever to say or do anything that will hurt her in any meaningful way. That’s just selfish.

Doesn’t that ever make you feel like you’re keeping something huge and fundamental from her? I feel that way with my DH sometimes.

Besides, I recognize that I might be spectacularly wrong about some (most) of the things we see differently, so why would I need to share something that might lead to her losing what works for her really well and might, ultimately, be wrong?

This

And welcome to the forum. I can’t imagine having to go through this experience for many years alone. I’m glad you found us.

The key for me is that I’ve spent decades learning what I personally believe and how to share that in orthodox terms. Thus, by this point, I’m not sharing doubts; rather, I’m sharing different perspectives. That allows me to share things from a positive stance (“I believe . . .” or “I love looking at things from all kinds of perspectives, and one that I like is . . .” or “I have a friend who told me . . . and I thought that was an interesting view.”) and not a position of defense or attack. Since I’ve learned to frame my comments in that way, I can say a lot of things that cause reflection and real consideration (or, at least, that people can shrug off but still accept me) that would get rejected if phrased differently.

People generally attend church to be uplifted, comforted and enriched. They don’t go there to doubt, feel unease or perceive threats. There is a time and a place for everything, and church can be a time and place to hear differing opinions but shouldn’t be a place to have them presented in a way that can shake or harm. At the root of it all, church is about community / communal worship, not individuality / individual exploration – so I try always to express my individual beliefs in ways that will not do damage to the community. Most of all, I try to participate in the explicitly communal, non-doctrinal aspects of my religion (service, Home Teaching, general organizational support, etc.) so I am seen as a friend and not someone who only shows up on Sunday to argue about doctrine.

Again, I’ve had years to hone that skill, so my first advice, always, is to slow down and start seeing things as less of a “crisis” and more of a “transition”. Changing the paradigm works better than “kicking against the pricks” – and my sense of humor absolutely loves that wording, given our modern interpretation of that last word.

As far as our children, I’ve supported and loved them in their choices, both in and out of the church. I will continue to do that. When 2 of them started leaving the church and living a different way, I was devastated at first and felt like a failure. Then I realized how crazy that was. They’re great kids who have found a way that works for them. They both seem as happy as the 2 who are active.

Two of my children are no longer involved in church, and I was also devastated and felt like a failure. I wondered why other people’s children seemed so right on the mark as far as church goes, but not mine, but there are reasons they aren’t going that I have no control over, and I am learning to be accepting of those choices and no longer feel like I have failed them. They are their own people. In fact, they seem happier outside of church. When I felt like our eternal salvation was on the line as a family, previously, it was scary and crushing to me, but I no longer have the same rigid believes about that and am much more at peace. So it seems we have had a few of the same experiences.

Welcome to the group and I look forward to reading more about your experiences.

: ) Harmony