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Hi everyone. Went to baptism today.A whole family was baptised and they looked so happy. A member who was giving a talk on the holy ghost said something today that has stuck with me the whole day.He said to this family”It only gets better from here’ I was so angry.He can’t promise that to them.He has no clue what this family is going to go through. I have been a member all my life.I was married in the temple to a wonderful wonderful man who was and is a wonderful father and husband. Had two boys and did everything we were suppose to with them.I gave up a career to raise them.I didn’t go to work until they were in school.Raised them in the church.My oldest fell apart at the age of 16. 2 suicide attempts,started drinking,started doing drugs.Just out of the blue just did a 1/80.He is 24 now and nothing has changed.You would not believe what we have been through with him.When he was 16 I remember thinking “I have 2 years to fix him” I could pay all the tithing I wanted,Go to the temple over and over,Husband could give as many blessings to him and the lord decided not to help him or us. We have been through years of drugs,alcohol,him threatening to kill his brother,and us.There a things a mother should never hear her son say but I heard them.Now my husband and I don’t go to the temple anymore,family prayers stopped,testimony has dropped drastically.I hate going to church only to see the bright sun shining faces of families and hear about their sons and daughters and how happy they are.You are not guaranteed a good life just because you do everything you are suppose to be doing in the gospel. I used to preach about staying home with your children and not working.WRONG! People were crying today at the baptism and I gave them funny looks like “What are you crying about?” It might not get better from here.There are no guarantees! Unbelievable the change that is in me now. I am very angry that some people are favored in the church and others are not. Any advise would be appreciated.I truly need help before I totally lose my testimony. Angel333 Children can be our greatest joy or the source of our deepest sorrow.
I can understand your feelings of frustration. While my own children have not had the kinds of problems your son has had, their own unique issues has sometimes made attending church challenging. We have also seen and heard about these bright shining stars that some families have and wondered why our children struggle. I, too, have felt it to be criminally unfair. Know that you are not alone in this. There are others who remain quiet while people boast about their children. There is no formula for rearing children and those who attribute their “success” to things they have done as parents have most likely never had a difficult child. A child’s free agency ultimately trumps every good thing that parents try to do.
It’s a shame that we can’t talk more openly with each other as members. You would probably discover that there are far more “imperfect” families than you realize. Perhaps you could reach out to some of those families or be there for those new members when life becomes unexpectedly difficult. But whatever your decision I hope you will find peace. I know you will find many sympathetic individuals on this board. I have.
My prayers are with you and your family.
Welcome, please know you are not alone. Many of us will relate to your experiences on some level, many have had similar experiences, and we all understand. I totally agree with you – paying tithing, temple attendance, FHE, prayer, or whatever else does not certify aything as far as “blessings” go. Just look around you at all the non-members who are more richly “blessed” than you. This is one of the things that bugs me about members of the “one true church” as well – most of them don’t know what they’re talking about.
I don’t know that God favors some members over others or some people in general over others. I have a deist view of God these days, and actually believe God intervenes very little, if at all, in human affairs and especially not on a personal level. You don’t have to lose your testimony, but you probably have to reconfigure or rebuild it. Start with that which you do believe and go from there.
Welcome. Just one word of advice / caution right now:
Be careful not to dismiss or be angry at other people’s happiness, even if it doesn’t match your own. It’s a fine line sometimes, but it’s important not to let your own trials rob you of the ability to find joy in others’ joy.
I love the following post:
“
I Pray You . . . Bear My Joy a While” ( http://bycommonconsent.com/2011/09/29/i-pray-you-bear-my-joy-awhile/ I am glad you are here. There are so many wonderful people here to lean on. My sister is an alchoholic. She is 30 and started drinking when she was 15. We all thought each new low was her lowest, but it was not. Life has gotten very hard for her.
I have learned that there is no one I can make happy but myself. There is no one I can save but myself. Everyone must find their own way, and own their own path. Trying to force someone to do things how you want them to – trying to take from them their choice to live according to their own concience – will never change them. In the long run they must and will choose for themselves.
So the only thing I have leanered I can do is love them. Love them like the sun shines on you. It is there for you to take. It doesn’t get dim when you are good or bad or sober or drinking. It is always just there. I don’t know how to achieve a love that is totally acceptng and unconditional, but I know that I have prayed for that for years and I have received it.
Also, I would recommend setting clear boundaries. Not just physical boundaries (I won’t give you money or you can’t live with me; etc). You need to set mental boundaries: I will only speak about this for one hour a day. Or, I will only fret about this and try to help on Tuesdays from 9 am to 9:30 am.
That way you limit your stress and you can focus on loving him and rebuilding your life, instead of trying to fix his (which you can never and will never do). The less stress you have the more he can lean on you.
Finally, find an Al-Anon meeting to attend. Or go to open AA meetings. You will find so much fellowship and be able to learn so much from these wonderful people.
My heart aches for you and your son! Remember God loves you and your son, and being good or bad or keeping or not keeping commandments will never change that love He has.
Hi, angel333 – I’m glad you’re here and so sorry for the hard times in your family. My experience with my siblings’ mental illness and addiction is decades long now. It’s taken a long time, but things are improving. But as keenly as I felt what I felt, I always knew that it was hardest on my mother. We all know that there are no guarantees, so I don’t know why we talk like we do. I have a friend whose son is on a similar track as your son. I wish you two could talk. I hope we can be of some help.
Thank you so much for your kind words.Im not for sure anymore how much of the gospel I truly believe anymore.Some things I do.I don’t understand how I could raise a monster like I have.My sons status this morning was” I wish I could act on my murderous thoughts.I really need blood on my hands” He has said these things before to his brother and we called the police.The police said there is nothing they can do when someone makes threats. I know there is something going on mentally.There has to be!! I did not raise him this way. I was hoping that God would help me when he was 16 and I had some control.For two years we tried therapy and hospitals and prayers and blessings and the cops being called.NO ONE could help us. Not even God. You hear people bear their testimony about finding their keys for goodness sake. Anyway thank you so much.I feel like no one will judge me here. angel333 wrote:Thank you so much for your kind words.Im not for sure anymore how much of the gospel I truly believe anymore.Some things I do.I don’t understand how I could raise a monster like I have.My sons status this morning was” I wish I could act on my murderous thoughts.I really need blood on my hands” He has said these things before to his brother and we called the police.The police said there is nothing they can do when someone makes threats. I know there is something going on mentally.There has to be!! I did not raise him this way. I was hoping that God would help me when he was 16 and I had some control.For two years we tried therapy and hospitals and prayers and blessings and the cops being called.NO ONE could help us. Not even God. You hear people bear their testimony about finding their keys for goodness sake. Anyway thank you so much.I feel like no one will judge me here.
You are correct that no one will judge you here. I am truly sorry that you can’t find the help you need for what appears to be an ill young man. I would encourage you to not give up and keep trying.
One of the things that many of us have had to do here is separate the gospel from the church – they two distinct things. Don’t confuse church teachings with the gospel. The church does teach the gospel, but it teaches a lot that’s not gospel as well, although it’s not evil, either. Your struggle with faith seems to be related to what the church has taught you about God. Stand back and read the scriptures (particularly the Bible). If God is the base upon which you need to rebuild your faith, then you need to understand him for yourself – and your understanding of him might be very different from mine or anyone else’s.
Angel, Thank you for sharing your trials. I am so sorry you are going through them. Our children can bring us so much joy, and so much pain. As a mother I think we take our childrens’ behavior, good or bad, and feel we are responsible.
It sounds very much like what your son is going through probably has little to do with how you raised him, and mental illness can arise unexpectedly at any time in our lives.
I understand the frustration with God being there to help the car start, or keys be found, but not help you or your son in your time of trial.
I have a friend in the church who has had several children go astray, and one who had serious mental health problems. Hearing voices, paranoia, delusions, etc. He self medicated with alcohol and was a very destructive force in their home. It took years but he finally realized he needed medication. Now he is functioning well on his own. I have had several family members struggle with substance abuse and mental health issues, and I can say that although it took many years, things did get better (with medication, AA, etc.). One returned to church after 35 years of inactivity.
I can only hope something similar will happen for you and your family. Please know that you have support here, and no judgment. Our hearts are with you.
Welcome Angel, I am keenly aware of how the Mormon Plan of Happiness sometimes leads us to believe that if we follow the “Plan” then we will have “Happiness.” It is unfair and somewhat dangerous to have such unreasonable expectations. There seems to be a balance between unbridled optimism and cautious pessimism. I personally believe that much can be gained from managing our expectations.
angel333 wrote:He said to this family”It only gets better from here’ I was so angry.He can’t promise that to them.He has no clue what this family is going to go through.
My 6 yr old son gets anxiety. I tell him especially at night that I will protect him. I know that this is not completely true. I am limited in my ability to protect him. But I want to comfort, and reassure him, and help him to get to sleep. Sometimes we need to hold on to hope because hope for tomorrow makes today more bearable.
Old-Timer wrote:Welcome.
Just one word of advice / caution right now:
Be careful not to dismiss or be angry at other people’s happiness, even if it doesn’t match your own. It’s a fine line sometimes, but it’s important not to let your own trials rob you of the ability to find joy in others’ joy.
I love the following post:
“
I Pray You . . . Bear My Joy a While” ( http://bycommonconsent.com/2011/09/29/i-pray-you-bear-my-joy-awhile/ I agree with Ray that it would be great to genuinely be able to be glad for the joy of others as well as mourn their misfortunes. but I also believe that sometimes there is value in accepting where we are at. I was recently reading about mourning. There was a bereaved mother that had a part of her that secretly wished harm on pregnant women so that they could feel some of her pain. The book said that it is natural to feel angry. I was especially intrigued that directing anger outwards to God, genetics, mother nature, doctors, or even pregnant women – is a healthier response than directing it inwards to yourself.
It is natural to feel angry because you got a raw deal. I hope that someday you will have more peace in your life and that you will be more able to forgive others of the stupid things they say sometimes. It is ok if that is not today. We need not move faster than we have strength.
We all see through a glass darkly and live one step at a time. I hope that we can help each other. I also agree that a support group like AA or a trained counselor can also be helpful in finding ways to move forward.
Welcome to the site. Your trials sound very difficult. As a parent, I can only imagine what you must be going through. Quote:I have a deist view of God these days, and actually believe God intervenes very little, if at all, in human affairs and especially not on a personal level.
I second this viewpoint. In fact, in light of the Plan of Salvation and our belief in the pre-existence, it’s the only thing that makes sense. However, the church talks a lot about God’s intervention on a daily basis. I’ve never really bought into that idea.
I second the recommendation for Al Anon. There are many parents and relatives of addicts in those meetings, and they will have sage advice to share. Plus there’s confidentiality. It will be helpful to hear from others experiencing the same thing you are. The church also does addiction recovery work (I have friends who’ve run these programs), and it can be quite good also, but it’s not as widely available. Do you live in an area where you can get connected to this?
My heart really goes out to you. I have been down that road and it can feel like the road to hell. Some days you hate your son, somedays you hate the world, somedays you hate God and wonder what you did wrong. All the advice given here is good. Go see a therapist for your own mental health. I had a 29 year old daughter take her own life and other issues with other kids. I refuse to let that make me miserable because if it does then I am not good to anyone. Again, take care of those who you can and especially yourself. Believe me when I say there is no judgement on my part. Please don’t let all this make you too bitter. Welcome angel333, I too am truly sorry for the the trials you’re enduring. I hope you’re finding some of the help that you’re seeking here. It’s great “therapy” for me. There have been some great responses to your post and I’d like to add mine. Take it or leave it, but maybe it can help.
You wrote about 2 very important issues: Your testimony and the difficulties with your son. I know they can seem intertwined, but it’s been helpful for me to separate those things in my own life. As DarkJedi said, we need to separate the church from the gospel. Sometimes TBM’s lump sin and mental illness together and make judgements based on that. That’s just plain wrong. I have 4 grown sons. 2 are active, 2 are not. In the course of raising them, we’ve dealt with drug addiction and alcoholism, other compulsive behaviors, depression, PTSD and eating disorders. Through it all, we learned who the real followers of Christ and our friends were at church. Someone even told me our problems were a result of the way we parented
😡 . I’m not a perfect parent, but I didn’t give my kids mental illness in any way other than genetically maybe, which I can’t control. Ignore what anyone else thinks or says and don’t judge yourself either. That is NOT what Christ taught. Fortunately, my boys are all stable, contributing members of society now, but it was a long road and things could change at any time.You mentioned that you tried therapy for your son for a time. IMHO, I would move heaven and earth to get him into a long-term inpatient situation as his mental illness sounds severe and he sounds like he’s a danger to himself and others. I know how very difficult that can be. I have a sister who also has serious mental illness and she injures herself for attention (she recently shot herself in the arm and said a robber did it.) My brother-in-law has only been able to afford once/month counseling for her. We know someone who took out a 2nd mortgage to get their daughter into a mental hospital and they don’t regret that at all. I’m not sure what all you’ve tried and it’s none of my business, but if you search long enough, you can find the help you need. My hope and prayer for you is that you find the help and peace you’re seeking. In the mean time, I don’t know where you live, but one of the most helpful things for me (aside from this site
All my best wishes.
Hi and welcome, I’m so sorry for what you are dealing with. I love this site because it is a safe place where people understand and are non judgmental. Mental illness is such a difficult trial and sometimes there isn’t the right kind of support in the LDS church. I’m in recovery from anorexia and self harm and honestly the culture of the church makes the conditions worse for me at this time. I hope someday I can return to the LDS church but for now it’s damaging. What I’ve learned is that God doesn’t directly heal mental illness in most cases. He uses other people and medications, therapy to heal us. For example, this site is in many ways an answer to my prayers. I’ve found a support group that understands. Another group that is incredible is New life ministries. They have so much knowledge and experience about healing. Their specialty is working with those with addictions and mental health issues. I have felt God working through them to help me heal. The website is newlife.com. Steve Arterburn is the pastor. I believe healing is possible but it takes the right people and I do believe God helps us to find the right people. I didn’t grow up in the LDS church but I have been a member for over 20 years. I’ve heard over the pulpit that if we are righteous we will be happy and despair cometh from iniquity. It’s easy to believe then that if someone suffers from depression or for what other reason isn’t happy it’s their fault. Or if we have severe challenges we’ve done something wrong. I have known too many good people who suffer to believe these words. I hope you will find healing for yourself and peace in your journey.
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