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I’ve been lurking here for a few weeks, and want to introduce myself. I’m single, mid-30’s, raised in the church–went to BYU, served a mission, all that kind of thing. I’ve never fit in particularly well at church–I’ve been passionately politically liberal since my teens, for starters, and I’m a single woman who is unapologetically unangsty about her marital status–but I’m a naturally spiritual person, and have worked hard to make my spiritual home work for me. But church has become harder and harder over the years, and I’ve realized more and more that I really don’t believe most of what is taught from the pulpit during Sacrament Meeting or during classes. In part, it’s because speakers and teachers are emphasizing the parts of the church teachings that are less important to me–the cultural norms, institutional obedience. But even beyond that, it’s required a lot of mental gymnastics to reconcile some of my core beliefs with some church teachings, and I’m frankly getting tired of the effort. For about the last four years (until a few months ago), I was primary pianist or chorister, and that was grand. It meant I only had to suffer through an hour of the stuff I found sort of unpalatable, and then I could go sing songs and tell the children that Jesus loved them and that He wanted us to be kind to one another. Primary was this fantastic refuge–a place with no angst, where I could get behind *almost* everything that was taught. I was released a few months ago, which was good, because I was getting to burnout stage (four years is kind of a long time!), but it’s also meant I now have to deal with up to three hours per week of stuff that’s hard.
I say “up to” because my attendance has been in decline. I just don’t feel spiritually nourished at all at church these days–instead I feel misunderstood, and feel some tacit criticism for doubting. I realized I’ve reached kind of a breaking point, because the last couple of weeks, I’ve been unable to suppress tears in any of the meetings I’ve tried to attend. I’ve finally been forced to admit to myself that I really am in full-blown Faith Crisis (I do think “Faith Transition” is probably a better term… but I’m feeling really emotional right now, and “crisis” seems more apt). I was sitting next to one of my former primary colleagues in Relief Society on Sunday when the teacher started talking in pretty negative terms about people who “lose their testimonies” and “fall away from the church,” and I lost it and started weeping uncontrollably. My friend took me into the hall and listened kindly while I unburdened myself about some of what I’m going through (she’s actually someone I had thought before I might be able to talk with about this–she’s incredibly nonjudgmental, so I knew she’d be understanding). She talked about similar struggles she’d had, and pointed me to some resources, including StayLDS.com (maybe she’s even reading this?! If so, hi!
:wave: ), which made me smile, because I’d already found this spot, and have found it to be a great resource. But I think what I found most meaningful about our talk was that she expressed her confidence that I’d make it through this and be able to find something that works to nourish me spiritually, whether in the church, out of it, or somewhere else. To be honest, the thoughts of “out” or “somewhere else” are mildly terrifying, because the LDS church is all I’ve known, but I’m trying to channel her confidence, that I can make it through, and will be okay no matter what the outcome is. I’m not sure if I believe that now, but I think eventually I will.
I’m really grateful for the “How to Stay After a Major Challenge to Your Faith” article on this site. To know that it’s possible to stay even if I don’t believe everything the church teaches has given me the confidence to start examining my faith. I can’t predict what the outcome will be, of course, but it’s good to know from the start that there are lots of options. I have decided I need to take a break from trying to attend weekly for a while, because fleeing the room in tears on a regular basis is neither emotionally healthy or sustainable. Even that feels a little bit scary, but I do believe it’s the way to move forward at this point.
Welcome to the site, Zinnia. Like you, I was surprised to find that the fewer meetings I attended, the better for me. I can’t say I loved working in the nursery, but that was the upside of it. I also love teaching for that reason, because I too find that many members emphasize the things I truly can’t stomach. I keep thinking how little it resembles what Jesus taught. He taught the opposite of institutional obedience and caring what others think of you. He taught self-mastery, but not neurotic, compulsive perfectionism. He despised hypocrisy above all else. He wasn’t just a 100% hippie love fest either, calling people a den of vipers, but he directed his anger toward those who were getting plenty of accolades from the organization, and he hung out with the fringe people.
Zinnia, we must be on the same ride. I was just released from primary after almost 4 years. For a month I have gone to Sacrament meeting and then home. I can’t face the other meeting. There are people in my ward I truly love, I just haven’t been able to face it. It has been much easier to ignore all the stuff I don’t want to hear while in Primary. As one of the teachers I was able to weed out the stuff I didn’t like. We focused on Heavenly Parents love you and be kind. I would love to hear that somewhere else.
I want to stay and also feel like I should. It is a difficult ride and I feel very nauseous at points- specifically when some members speak. I wish you were in our ward and I would be sitting by you. How cool to have a lady reccommend Stay.
I love zinnias by the way! Beautiful flowers that brought my gardens much sunshine and color this summer.
It is surprising to find other people with the same feelings. It is so taboo to say anything at church. Welcome and know that you are not alone. I am finding that we are everywhere :shh: I can relate to you sunday feelings. I was setting in SS and the PP asked if anyone would like to volunteer for the nursery and me and the guy just released from the bishopric both raised our hand so fast you would have thought that they were giving away money. It was really fun but I felt sorry the the regular nursery worker because she is a young mother with a 9 month old son. That seems wrong to me.Sorry to hear of your struggles. Hang in there! It’s lonely sometimes, but take a minute and seek out those who are like you . Hopefully there will be some. I just got shifted to a new ward and keep an eye out for women wearing pants, etc I got lucky, my new bishop is way cool. He had a talk with me about historical church issues and we nerded out for a bit on it. I must have hit the jackpot. I have a feeling that this might be becoming more common?? I can relate to wanting to find spirituality from other sources, but in the end feeling that mormondom was my home. Anyway, as for now, there is this forum, which I myself just joined, which has been very therapeutic. Good luck, hope to hear more from you.
I just wanted to say, Welcome! I am so glad you are here. I’m pretty new in my FT as well and I find most of church annoying. But I love teaching RS once a month. It gives me a chance to put some new ideas out there. I just wanted to welcome you, Zinnia. Many of us have ridden and/or are riding that roller coaster and we get it. You’ll make it, and the good folks here can help. I’m a bit of a church junkie, honestly. I loved being on the High Council, since it gave me a chance sometimes to attend with my family and then attend another ward, as well – and I like public speaking, so that was a bonus. If I wasn’t Mormon, I probably would have gone to Divinity School to be a preacher. I just love theology and comparative religion and social studies and all things people-related. Having said all of that, I ignore the cultural crap and attend almost entirely to serve others. Whatever I get spiritually at church is icing on the cake. I focus on learning and growing and progressing and all that jazz outside of church. It works a lot better for me to take that path, since it means I don’t have to rely on anyone else for my spiritual growth – and it means I’m not disappointed when I don’t get anything out of church. Ironically, that approach also allows me to get more out of church, since I can let everything that doesn’t inspire or resonate with me slide off my back, not obsess over it and, therefore, actually hear the good stuff that is said immediately following the otherwise irritating stuff.
The Book of Mormon says we need to be agents unto ourselves, so I attend as a free agent – choosing to attend and participate actively / fully but on my own terms and for my own reasons.
Just want to welcome you to the site. I’m fairly new too, but this site has been such a help to me. I hope it is to you too. I know the rollercoaster feeling all too well. I hope you find some answers here. You will definitely find some good people. Thanks so much for sharing your thoughts so well. What a roller coaster it is, huh? I’m glad you posted your story, and as you can see from the responses, you are not the only one to deal with these feelings, and there are places to get support so you can address the issues without having to also worry about what people you know might think of you as you openly think and investigate your feelings. Zinnia wrote:To know that it’s possible to stay even if I don’t believe everything the church teaches has given me the confidence to start examining my faith. I can’t predict what the outcome will be, of course, but it’s good to know from the start that there are lots of options.
Just so you know, I think the unknown part is the scariest. But once you realize that you really can figure it out, and choose what you want to be happy for yourself, and as you start down paths and figure it out a step at a time, it becomes less scary and becomes more comfortable.
There can be a fear that if you doubt, you will be lost, so you better hold on to that rod and never doubt. But actually, doubts are normal. It is all just what you do with them that matters. At some point, God really wants us all to head into the wilderness, that we can gain experience and progress to really have a set of beliefs that are our own beliefs. Don’t let fear stop you from going on the journey you need to go on. Keep telling yourself that the church isn’t going anywhere. You can take a break, you can go explore your feelings and things outside the church, and should you realize, as I have, that I love the things in the church because I’m a cultural mormon, then I can return and be as active as I want to be. It is ok to allow yourself to doubt.
Rene Descartes wrote:
Quote:“If you would be a real seeker after truth, it is necessary that at least once in your life you doubt, as far as possible, all things”
I’m glad you found the site and decided to post and join the conversation. You are among friends, and people who really understand your feelings. It will be OK.
zinnia wrote:I was sitting next to one of my former primary colleagues in Relief Society on Sunday when the teacher started talking in pretty negative terms about people who “lose their testimonies” and “fall away from the church,” and I lost it and started weeping uncontrollably. My friend took me into the hall and listened kindly while I unburdened myself about some of what I’m going through (she’s actually someone I had thought before I might be able to talk with about this–she’s incredibly nonjudgmental, so I knew she’d be understanding). She talked about similar struggles she’d had, and pointed me to some resources, including StayLDS.com (maybe she’s even reading this?! If so, hi!
:wave: ), which made me smile, because I’d already found this spot, and have found it to be a great resource. But I think what I found most meaningful about our talk was that she expressed her confidence that I’d make it through this and be able to find something that works to nourish me spiritually, whether in the church, out of it, or somewhere else.Hi, zinnia – Thanks for sharing this story. You’ve already done something that many here can’t or choose not to do – confide in a ward member. I’m glad you’re here; I look forward to hearing more about what’s on your mind.
Heber13 wrote:It is ok to allow yourself to doubt.
Rene Descartes wrote:
Quote:“If you would be a real seeker after truth, it is necessary that at least once in your life you doubt, as far as possible, all things”
Thanks so much for the reassurance, and for that quote, Heber13. It’s a good one! I do feel like that. I feel like now that I’ve allowed myself to start asking questions, I want to reevaluate EVERYTHING I’ve believed. In a sense, I think that’s a good thing… because the things I decide I still accept will feel stronger and more foundational, I think. But it’s also exhausting, and I remind myself that there’s no rush to have everything figured out.
Thank you, everyone, for the fantastic welcome and for the reassuring words. I’m excited to be part of this community with you, and I appreciate knowing so many others are along for the same wild ride. I’ve always suspected that there were plenty of people in the church who had doubts or didn’t believe everything, but still felt the church was valuable. But it can feel lonely because we don’t usually hear from the pulpit or elsewhere that this is okay or normal. I’m glad to have this forum where we can discuss these issues without fear of judgment. I’ve decided that I need to ask for a release from my calling (RS chorister) for the moment. I e-mailed the bishop’s appointment secretary to ask for the bishop’s e-mail address, and the secretary responded that the bishop wanted to meet with me in person. I’m dreading that meeting. Our bishop is newly called. He’s a totally nice guy, but I’m just not sure how much I really feel comfortable telling him. I need a break from church, but that’s not something that’s really acceptable to say in church culture. I’ve asked for releases from callings before when they weren’t working out for whatever reason, or when I needed a break from a weighty responsibility, but that’s different than wanting a break from attending church entirely. I’m afraid that whatever I tell him is going to be discussed in ward council–is that an unreasonable fear? The relief society president already e-mailed me because I left RS early on Sunday and she wanted to know if anything was wrong, etc. And my visiting teacher (also in the RS presidency) has recently dropped by unannounced to “check up” on me. I do appreciate that the concern comes from a good place, but it feels a little intrusive. And I’m afraid as my break-taking starts, it’s going to get worse.
Any thoughts/advice?
richdunn wrote:keep an eye out for women wearing pants, etc
Richdunn, In my ward I am the one wearing pants.
Actually, a couple of months ago, I was asked to speak in church on the quote from President Hinckley that says, essentially, we believe that all churches have truth, bring the truth you have and let us (i.e., Mormonism) add to it. I believe the bishop intended for me to speak about missionary work. Instead I focused on the first part of the talk–on the truths found in all religions and what we can learn from those of other faiths. A couple of people came up to me after the meeting to tell me that they enjoyed the talk, and through further discussions was able to discover that there are some others in my ward that also live with questions, doubts, and have disagreements with the way things go in the church. It’s been nice to find a few local people that can relate.
hawkgrrrl wrote:he directed his anger toward those who were getting plenty of accolades from the organization, and he hung out with the fringe people.
Hawkgrrrl, I really appreciate this thought! It’s been hard to realize over the last few years that I’m moving further to the fringes… to be perfectly honest, I liked the community recognition and acceptance that came from being more enmeshed in the mainstream of the organization. I feel like I have more integrity where I am now–not that TBMs or other more mainstream Mormons do not have integrity–I don’t want to suggest that at all–but I don’t think I did, because I suppressed things that were true for me in an effort to conform ideologically. Anyway, it’s good to be reminded that Jesus hung out with people on the fringes–that means I don’t need to be ashamed to be there.
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