- This topic is empty.
-
Posts
-
Of late I have been getting repeated requests for service from a particular member who lives a couple mile away. By way of background, it’s just him and his wife, he is a retired government employee who works part time at various jobs and his wife works full time; the children are grown and gone, none live in the area. He is in his late 50s (I’m 53) but has some little health issues (high blood pressure, etc.) and is not in as good of shape as I’m in – not that I’d be on the cover of any fitness magazines. We have known each other since I moved to the ward over 20 years ago, but we have never really been friends (he went through a time of inactivity as well). I have been through a period of unemployment, but I work substitute teaching at the moment, and I usually sub 3-4 days a week, sometimes 5. His needs are usually a couple hours doing things at his house – things that sometimes normally take two people or things he feels he can’t do. I really don’t mind serving others, and I don’t usually have a problem saying “No, my truck is not available Saturday I already have plans” if such is the case. The issue here is his insistence and repeated calls. This week, for instance, he called Tuesday and said he needed help moving some stuff later in the day after a doctor appointment (which his wife was taking him to). Tuesday was the only day I didn’t sub this week, and I told him I had a full schedule (I did, I had shopping to do, presents to wrap, dinner to make, etc.) and that if I got done at a decent time I’d call. I didn’t get done, and while making dinner he called and asked if he missed my call. I told him no, that I just didn’t have time that day and I was sorry, but his response was along the lines of “Thanks a lot pal.” Friday I get home from subbing after stopping at the supermarket and there’s a message on my machine asking for me to call him. Again, I was very busy, had dinner to prepare, etc., and I decided to return his call later. At dinner time he calls again. In the meantime my wife and I had made plans, and I told him I couldn’t come that evening so he asked about Saturday and could my sons help. The boys had a wrestling tournament Saturday (those things go all day) and I couldn’t help then, either, because I go to the tournaments. This time I got a response that seemed to indicate to me that he thought I was just unwilling.
There used to be a member of the bishopric in my ward who went around telling people to call me for help because I was unemployed and needed something to do and service would be good for me (yes, really.) I got wind of this and confronted him and it stopped (I was nice about it, and told him I had plenty to do and didn’t want to be turning people down all the time). He has been released for a few months now, so I doubt this has to do with him or others, and I am only getting requests from this one guy.
It’s likely that he won’t call for a couple weeks – this has happened before. When he does, and he will, how do I respond to his rather obvious perception that I don’t want to help him when in reality I am unable to (and maybe just a little unwilling because of his insistence)?
Tell him what happened, that you aren’t available many days and that you are happy to help when you can – but you can’t when you can’t. Keep it factual and direct – and let him deal with it. There really isn’t any other approach I like than a straightforward one.
Tell him you’re a substitute teacher and that you need the time to unwind or you’ll start choking the little devils out. Thanks to both of you, and those are the approaches I have been using (except the choking part – I only sub in one place for a reason). Maybe eventually it will sink in? He just seems to have the attitude that I should just drop whatever I’m doing or change whatever plans I have and go help him. He does have relatives in our ward, and I’m sure he has a home teacher, and there are others who live closer to him than I do. Maybe he’s gone through them with the same kind of attitude and I’m next on his list? DW has had a difficult visiting teaching assignment that has asked for help in a number of ways (everything from lending money to babysitting kids to giving rides). Most of the time we come away feeling unsettled like we aren’t getting the whole story and not feeling very appreciated and generally
used.DW has used me as an excuse to set boundaries. We can give rides and give some commodity foodstuffs when needed (potatoes and canned vegetables).
We still don’t feel especially appreciated when she calls for these things but at least the boundaries are clear. These are things that we are willing to give without much expectation (of even a sincere “thank you”). We hold the line to these things and are very resistant to attempts to get us to do more.
My situation is somewhat different because the relationship is different but I hope there is something of help in there.
I think you are in a situation where you need to gain control of the situation. He has you responding to requests out of the blue on short notice and its annoying. I would speak to him about how you feel. I would steer the conversation to a point where I could say “I’m stretched to the point right now and the forseeable future where I’d like to call you when I have some free time available to assist you. I would suggest developing relationships with other people you can call on as well. i don’t mind helping, but it has to be in doses I can manage”.
Then, a couple weeks later I would call him and offer to help with something. If he accepts, at the end of the service I would remind him of the new “terms of service” so he doesn’t think I’m on call again. Of course, I would only call him in a couple weeks if I valued the friendship enough that I wanted to maintain it. That sounds a bit harsh, but in my experiences, relationships ebb and flow. There have been times when I have severed relationships over unreasonable requests like these.
Setting an expectation like that isn’t a bad idea, SD. I have realized that part of my frustration with this issue is that he calls when he wants me to do something rather than planning. Planning ahead does have an advantage in that I usually know if I will or won’t have time on a given day in the near future (barring unforeseen circumstances). I will implement that next time he calls (“I can’t come today, but I think I have some free time Thursday afternoon….”). DarkJedi wrote:Setting an expectation like that isn’t a bad idea, SD. I have realized that part of my frustration with this issue is that he calls when he wants me to do something rather than planning. Planning ahead does have an advantage in that I usually know if I will or won’t have time on a given day in the near future (barring unforeseen circumstances). I will implement that next time he calls (“I can’t come today, but I think I have some free time Thursday afternoon….”).
You could also indicate that you need X days notice if he wants help — and make it longer like 2 weeks or something. This sends a message that you are not on call.
Service is a delicate thing. Successful service depends on two things — a willing service-provider and a grateful recipient who acts with humility, respect for the service-provider’s agency and time and limits. So, I would also see this setting limits as implicit training for this person.
Had a situation years ago when there was a strong sense of entitlement in our Ward about priesthood movers (I was a priesthood leader at the time so most of the time, arranging the move fell on me. One month I had four). People would call us on a day’s notice and expect us to put together and army of people to help move. We talked about this in PEC, and decided:
a) Our role was limited to making an announcement in priesthood meeting.
b) The person moving was responsible for raising their own volunteers.
c) Home teachers could be relied upon to help with a move if the the home teacher wanted.
d) People moving would have to give 2 weeks notice,
We also had a checklist specifying things the person should do, like find a truck, make sure all things are packed up, etcetera. The expectations above were also listed in the check list so the new “policy” did not wound harsh. WE also said we would do full service unloading for people who moved into the Ward since they lacked relationships within the Ward. But if people were moving out or within the Ward would have to raise their own volunteers. We also said people with special needs (like the elderly, sick) would receive special consideration if necessary.
This is what happened. I started hearing people were getting moved and I never even heard about it until it was over. Many home teachers arranged the moves, or the people moving did it themself.
I personally never use the church to move me unless someone offers.
“Just say no.” This post is brought to you by the first lady, Nancy Reagan.
Sent from my SCH-I535 using Tapatalk 2
cwald wrote:“Just say no.”
This post is brought to you by the first lady, Nancy Reagan.
Sent from my SCH-I535 using Tapatalk 2
I love you cwald, and I do sometimes just say no to service requests.
You must be a really nice person. If it were me, I’d have stopped taking this guy’s calls months ago. 
I used to have a really hard time saying no to people, and I’ve invested a lot of effort over the years figuring out how to set and maintain boundaries. It’s made me a happier person, but it’s still not easy. It sounds like you’re doing all the right things. The only thing I would add is that expecting the other person to change may not be reasonable. If he does start making more reasonable requests, expressing gratitude, giving you advance warning–then, great. But he might not. In that case, just keep doing what you’re doing–say no when you can’t help out and resist the temptation to feel guilty, offer whatever help you feel comfortable giving when you feel you can. Repeat. I have people in my life that I have to keep enforcing boundaries with, and part of me kind of resents it–shouldn’t they have figured it out already!?–but I try to do what I need to do and just let the angst about it go.
Now let’s see if I can take my own advice.
Good luck!
Tell him you’ve started a new business to hire out yourself and your sons at $15/hour. Tell him you are thrilled that he will be your first customer and to call anytime. On Own Now wrote:Tell him you’ve started a new business to hire out yourself and your sons at $15/hour. Tell him you are thrilled that he will be your first customer and to call anytime.
That’s a good one. He did give the boys a nominal amount once when they helped, but he is far from well off and I don’t believe he has much spare cash. I don’t mind serving others – really – I I guess I just resent it being an on demand expectation.
The guy stopped by yesterday to drop off some cookies from his wife who is my wife’s VT (but has never been here, and it was the last day of the month). He is a nice guy, dropped off the cookies, said hi to me and was on his way. I’m not expecting another call from him for at least a week or so – maybe when it’s time to take down Christmas decorations.
- You must be logged in to reply to this topic.