What a Relief…

As my subject title would indicate, finding this community has been such a relief. I have been working my way through (what I have now come to identify as) a faith crisis pretty much since I returned home from my mission in 2005. As seems to be common in this community, the crisis has really escalated rapidly to the point that I could really stand to go to church anymore. Let me provide some background by way of an introduction.

I was raised a traditional mormon in Boise ID. Other than typical teenage rebellion, I walked the line and obeyed the rules. I have always had a sceptic personality and can remember my earliest questions in Primary centering around the whole ‘absolute truth’ thing. Is it really possible that God has selected a single church to have all the truth and everyone else is simple second best? I hate that idea and I hate the culture it creates. I hate the superiority complex that was instilled in me and that I see everywhere in the church still. But back to the story…

I served a wonderful mission from 2003 – 2005 and can honestly say that I poured my heart and soul into it. I really believed everything I taught and had wonderful, spiritual, truth confirming experiences. I got married to a wonderful, righteous woman soon after I returned (we dated before the mission) and began our family the way we are taught.

The doubt persisted and grew stronger. I was truly suffering in silence. I couldn’t confess my doubts to my wife because I was terrified what the results would be. Our entire relationship was built around the church. I didn’t know what would happen to it if I decided to remove that load bearing pillar. The problem was that I was getting worse and worse at faking it. One day after church, I locked the door to our bedroom, and in tears told my wife everything. I told here that I didn’t want to stop going and abandon the church, but that I wasn’t able to stomach much more of attending either. It was a huge weight off my shoulders to tell someone but the pain, confusion, and uncertainty persisted…. for years. At least, until I discovered the Mormon Stories Podcast and JD.

The first episode I ever listened to was actually one of the first Thoughtful Faith episodes with Phil Barlow. JD starts off the podcast by explaining how there are so many people who have doubts and have nowhere to turn but that it was his mission and goal to provide a community for people to find reasons to stay, despite doubt and unbelief. I felt (what I have come to feel and hope was) the spirit of God stronger in those first 10 minutes listening than I have felt in years. I felt a huge hug, be it from the spirit or JD or Phil Barlow or maybe from each of you. It said to me ‘Its ok if you don’t believe everything the way it has been handed you. It is OK to doubt. That doesn’t warrant disfellowship or the removal of your temple recommend. It doesn’t mean you are not still welcome.” I nearly cried. I had to pull my car over and gather myself, my thoughts.

I didn’t really know anything about peep stones and polyandry prior to really diving into the podcasts. I have learned a lot and have certainly had some dark moments. I have completely deconstructed my testimony. i have drug my wife along for the ride and although she is a much more faithful and optimistic person than I, she has been as supportive and understanding as I could hope. Our love is centered on much more than Joseph Smith and the Book of Mormon.

Without this community, I might have thought the only way to be happy would be to abandon the church entirely. And without the contexts and stories shared here, I might have sacrificed my family in the process. I have a long way to go and plenty of answerless questions, but I hope it is not too trite to say I seem to be born again. I couldn’t phrase is any better than Boyd J Petersen as he quoted T.S. Eliot “We shall not cease from exploration, and the end of all our exploring will be to arrive where we started and know the place for the first time.” This is how I feel today and have you all to thank.

I hope to stay a thoughtful faithful contributor. Now that I seem to have found my way, I hope to help others to find theirs.

EuSouScott