Social Anxiety and Feelings of Unworthiness

I would try to point out the intrinsic reasons she should love herself. It is one thing to complement her on the basis of what YOU think. It is a better, more sustainable thing to point out the messages her behavior sends about herself.

For example, any time someone goes the gym six days a week shows DISCIPLINE. Next time she goes to the gym, find your own words for helping her see what incredible discipline this shows in her character. Not that you think she’s disciplined, but that her behavior is an expression of the disciplined person she is.

help her see that teaching on Sunday regularly is evidence of what a responsible and selfless person she is — in spite of her anxiety about the church and not measuring up. Comment that it shows great discipline again, that she continues to be realiable even though she feels socially anxious and unworthy.

And try sharing the analogy of the flawed jewellery box. I shared this one someone years ago who suffered with low self-esteem. I asked her to describe something she had made. She described a jewellery box she made. I asked her to describe it, and let me know if it was perfect. She told me about it, and mentioned how it wasn’t perfect. I can’t remember what she said but it was that it wasn’t square or didn’t look as good as a store-bought one. I asked her if it was valuable to her — and she said “yes”. I asked why and she said “because I made it”.

I then shared with her that God created her and that he he loves her for the same reasons she loved her jewellery box — He made her, and for that reason, she was valuable and worthy of love and keeping in spite of her flaws.

In terms of social anxiety — let her be in introvert if that is what she is. Arrange things in small groups, arrange time to sit in a room and read together in “comanionable silence”. All these kinds of alone-time activities are perfectly acceptance and can be very fulfilling. My family does them all the time.

I hope this helps.

She needs professional help, but if she won’t accept that, I like journeygirl’s suggestion to try to access help online.

Also, I will send you a Private Message with something else.

Deepthinker,

I am so sorry that your wife is struggling and that is causing you pain as well.

I suffer from feelings of unworthiness as well, so I think I can understand where she might be coming from. But one thing I DO know is that my husband can NOT convince me that I am worthy… no matter how much I want his approval, or anyone’s for that matter, it has to come from myself. It is not my husbands job to make me happy or feel good about myself. Infact, -it almost makes me more annoyed when he tries to… (that inner voice of unworthy is really loud sometimes and rejects compliments when I am feeling extra down. It almost feeds my guilt that I am not happy and someone else has to make me happy… who knows?? .)

What has helped is therapy, Emotional release sessions, and writing. I agree with the above comments as well. She would benefit from seeing a therapist, but sounds like she isnt’ ready. Sounds like she might be getting desperate enough to do some self healing work. A book that helped me when I started my emotional healing journey was “He did deliver me from Bondage”. It is basically an LDS 12 step recovery book. It helped me understand the areas in my life where I was shutting out God and trying to EARN his love. Until I learned that God wasn’t “expecting” perfection I wasn’t able to let go of it. I know there isn’t one thing that will work for everyone, so this may not be the answer for her. I know there are so many healing modalities as well. She will find it when she is ready. I think everyone’s soul’s progression is right on track and they are just where they need to be, even if it is painful.

I don’t know how well it would be received if she is a TBM but one books that has done a great job helping me and my wife is “The God Who Weeps” by Terryl and Fiona Givens. He teaches that sin isn’t really about God, its about us.

We often feel guilty or unworthy because we are taught that our sins offend/hurt God. His eternal growth, progression, and further exhalation depend on our returning to live again with him and that somehow when we sin, he is angry with us because it has somehow lessened his exhalation and is somehow less perfect than had we made better choices (these are my words and interpretation, not necessarily taken from any CES manual ).

Givens helped give me the perspective that my sins hurt me and that God is sad to see us hurt ourselves in the same way we feel sorrow for our kids when they do something that is not in their own best interest. What it does for me is helps me think every time I watched a rated R movie or used foul language, those acts didn’t cause Christ to bleed another drop. Those things hurt me, not God. It makes me feel more responsible for my actions, rather than indebted.

This is a difficult idea to subscribe too though with the traditional (Packer) view of understanding the the atonement is a debtor and borrower relationship.

I also feel like she needs some professional help. Of the things you mentioned that she does not want to do, (drive on the freeway, call people, etc.) are those things she used to be able to do? What I’m asking is, is she withdrawing? If she has always been somewhat shy and introverted, there’s really nothing wrong with that. But if that’s not really who she is and she seems to be losing ground – that’s a pretty clear sign to me. I would do what you can to get her some help, even if you have to be a little pushy. I could be wrong, but I would bet this is something more than just feeling unworthy at church. That’s a symptom, but there’s something deeper.

I also feel like she needs some professional help. Of the things you mentioned that she does not want to do, (drive on the freeway, call people, etc.) are those things she used to be able to do? What I’m asking is, is she withdrawing? If she has always been somewhat shy and introverted, there’s really nothing wrong with that. But if that’s not really who she is and she seems to be losing ground – that’s a pretty clear sign to me. I would do what you can to get her some help, even if you have to be a little pushy. I could be wrong, but I would bet this is something more than just feeling unworthy at church. That’s a symptom, but there’s something deeper.

Yes, they are all things she used to be able to do very well, no problems. She learned to drive in the DC area and she moved around a lot during most of her youth and had to make new friends very often. She has been going gradually downhill with this since about a year or so after our last child, so about the last 4-5 years.

I think you’re right, there is something going on that is deeper than the feelings of unworthiness. I’m going to push for going to a therapy session with me. Thanks for your insight.

It is wonderful when someone starts to get a handle on things like this. God bless her in her journey.