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I don’t know where to start. I think this may turn into a series of short outbursts since I have been holding things in for so long they have gotten entirely intertwined and complicated. On the top of my list is my disappointment with the church. Not a strong enough term, anger is closer but seems blasphemous so I stick with disappointment. It has to do with what looks to me like an enormous institution designed to be it’s own society and keeping you so busy and compelled to be involved that you have no time for anything outside the church. When I started coming back into activity around 1990 I felt strongly that I couldn’t see the forest for the trees. I even expressed that several times but today it is even more clear that the gospel is obscured by the institutional responsibilities and time consuming “appointments” and commitments all claimed to be “building the kingdom”. My specific “disappointment” is the result of giving up my goals of attaining a college degree before turning 60 and earning a commercial pilot certificate. Dreams of a young boy at one time, circumstances and bad choices lead me on a different path. So when I straightened my life out those dreams surfaced stronger than ever and I set them in motion as goals. I even heard and felt confirmation that it was time. Part way thru however, my callings got so time consuming that something had to give and those years and finances (lots of finances) invested in my pursuit are gone. You might be thinking hey, it’s never too late. Without going into detail there were many opportunities that are no longer available. When I resist or want to talk about the cons to accepting a calling the answer is always we prayed and your name kept coming up. We are sure you are the one the Lord wants. It will all work out and you will be blessed.
I also get “we can’t find anybody else”. That really gets me. We are not a small city ward without depth. Isn’t that a sign that there have too many programs for the membership? I hear all the time that so-and-so is MIA in his calling and that 20% of the members are doing 80% of the work.
Why am I expressing myself now? I’m not really asking questions in fact I have given up hope for a satisfying life. The thing is my mental state and emotional health is so damaged by living this facade that I can physically feel my health deteriorating. I shed tears way too often. My relationship with spouse is at an all time low.
I ask myself why can’t I make a change and correct these thing and I answer that I am holding it in, covering everything up to keep my family together. Only child is on a mission and wife works in the temple. Everything is solid…looking. I could easily be the one to be shunned.
I’ll probably regret some of my thoughts here but hey, regret is what I live with.
Part 2: Too many questions. Recently in GD class it was said we had free agency in the pre-existance. I seem to remember we were told that from the pulpit. Anyone know the source or doctrine that explains that? Should I ask for it in class? I respectfully doubt that we had free agency until after the fall. It was at that time when man had the knowledge of right and wrong. Free agency was meant for man to choose and resist temptation.
Kipper wrote:I have given up hope for a satisfying life
Kipper, I suggest seeing a psychologist. This is an all-to-common refrain among men, in and out of the Church, who reach a certain age. (Before I get taken out at the knees, let me add that it can certainly affect women too, but seems to have a deeper impact on men in our present culture). We spend our youths believing that we can chart a course for ourselves and we sacrifice a lot to make it happen. When it starts to look like our efforts have been in vain, it is a difficult pill to swallow. I have gone through this, as have many on this site. It helped me to realize that the Church wasn’t the cause, only a catalyst. What I can most offer is that this thing hit me hard, and I was able to get through it, with professional help, and feel better about myself and my circumstances now than I ever thought possible.On Own Now wrote:Kipper wrote:I have given up hope for a satisfying life
…When it starts to look like our efforts have been in vain, it is a difficult pill to swallow. I have gone through this, as have many on this site. It helped me to realize that the Church wasn’t the cause, only a catalyst. What I can most offer is that this thing hit me hard, and I was able to get through it, with professional help, and feel better about myself and my circumstances now than I ever thought possible.OK, so I have seen many psychologist in the past, several years ago but they didn’t seem too concerned about situational depression and I finally gave in to meds. Although I felt better emotionally I didn’t like the way they affected my processing. I am very analytical and they hindered that. After three years I got off because they are prohibited for what I was perusing and my processing has never been the same. That’s another story and this is a time when I have different issues and your description (…When it starts to look like our efforts have been in vain, it is a difficult pill to swallow) is something I can specifically address. I understand the church was only a catalyst AND that I let it happen myself but the alternative was seriously negative and still is. That IS the way the church is structured IMO, anything that is not building the kingdom is a distraction.
Something will give, you are right, but if you can hang in there it may be you find a better level of peace and happiness. I hope you can. I agree, seeing a counselor or psychologist is an important activity that can help. Having a non-judgmental person to talk to that can offer (in my experience) sparing but enlightening ideas for you to consider does wonders. You have many concerns and questions, but my recommendation is to avoid burdening your wife with these–it will only serve to deepen any issues. She may listen and be silent, but if it’s negative things you are saying (or perceived by her as negative) then it could be harmful without you knowing.
There is a light at the end of the tunnel. So many members, many on this board and myself included, have reconciled a number of issues with the Church that allow us to accept some things, not worry about other things, and continue in a measured way to investigate the things in between. You can find happiness in the gospel as I think you want, but it takes a little time, patience, and reconsideration of what you think you already know.
When if comes to callings, remember that you have a voice with regard to accepting these. If you don’t feel good about it, then it is just a valid as the bishopric’s positive feelings about it. They are understanding if you simply say (and if it’s true), “I have contemplated in my mind the calling you have extended and then prayed about it. I just don’t feel inspired that I should accept it. I hope you can understand that.” You don’t need to give any other reason, whether doubts that you were selected because nobody else was available or that you don’t believe in their inspiration. And I don’t think anyone will question it.
You can’t go back to the past, and I would go as far to say it’s not useful to try to figure out “why” something did or didn’t happen. There are too many forces at work in life that affect outcomes. But you can move forward and do your best to influence what happens next. But again, patiently and with perhaps a different outlook.
Hang in there and stick with this forum. Lots of good people here and faith-building experiences, advice, and examples that can be helpful.
On Own Now wrote:
…It helped me to realize that the Church wasn’t the cause, only a catalyst. What I can most offer is that this thing hit me hard, and I was able to get through it, with professional help, and feel better about myself and my circumstances now than I ever thought possible.I sure hope that professional help will get me on the right path. If they guide me to just be happy with what I have and where I am now I am going to lose it. I wanted this goal and my only college degree so bad but I dropped out to fulfill my church responsibility. Yea, I let it happen but is it hard to see how a member can be compelled in the presence of leaders? Ii tried it for awhile but it was just not doable and I dropped out mid semester night school. It didn’t take long to sink in and I had talks with ward leaders and friends and always got the same response about building the kingdom, planning for eternal life, blessing others lives, receiving blessings, sacrifice and so-on. It is a fact that I gave up my goal after much planning and some serious financial investment for the church and that will always be. My challenge now is not how to finish up but how to come to terms with this. Right now I’m not seeing it.
It appears to me that you have classic appeasement issues (putting others’ happiness at the top of your agenda, even if that means sacrificing your own), and I agree a good professional counselor could help a lot. Such a counselor would help you learn how to see your own needs as just as important as others’ needs, set firm limits on what you can and can’t do, and help you create a good balance and learn how to stick to it. It’s not easy, but it is important to decide what you can and can’t do and then learn how to make that decision last and work. Setting healthy boundaries and learning to live within your limits can be wonderfully liberating. For example, when I lived in Missouri, was starting over at the bottom of a new career path and lived 40 minutes from the church, I had to minimize our church activity to Sunday meetings, my High Council travel, and most Wednesday night activities for our kids. Sometimes, I showed up at Stake PEC meeting in the business casual clothing I wore to work, since I didn’t have the time to go home and change. I simply couldn’t do anything else (time or money), so everyone else had to accept that limitation.
I hope you can begin to value your own goals as much as helping others. After all, the second great commandment (love of others) is predicated on loving yourself – and the “as” implies equal love of and attention to self and others, not more love for and attention to others than to self.
My thoughts and prayers are with you.
Kipper – I can empathize to some extent. For me in my relationship to the church, “boundaries” and “sustainability” have become the keywords. I can only give what I can give and I restrict my giving to what is sustainable for me.
I can sense that there is much more going on in your life than just this. I believe that perhaps the biggest single help would be to have someone to talk to. Keeping your emotions bottled up isn’t helping.
I hope things can get better for you.
Roy wrote:
…I can sense that there is much more going on in your life than just this. I believe that perhaps the biggest single help would be to have someone to talk to. Keeping your emotions bottled up isn’t helping.Curtis and Roy thank you for the insight and encouragement. I have been given a name to contact. Everything combined has become serious threat to my health.
I could’ve written parts of your opening post…. I have a few suggestions,,,
1. Put your own conscience and inspiration first. See the church as a source of “input”, not the final authority. Remember, happiness is the object and design of our existence, and when the church experience does not support happiness, it’s time to re-evaluate its ability to influence our day to day behavior (particularly with reference to the “institutional service” issues you mention).
The position the church should hold in one’s life (in my view) depends on the cost-benefits of putting it in various slots of one’s personal priorities. If lessening church involvement means it will destroy your marriage, then you have to come up with a solution that acheives balance between your personal happiness and your marriage etcetera.
2. Recognize that the leaders are not always inspired. Your name could come up for a whole variety of reasons, not inspiration.
I want to say, I’ve had sabbaticals from hefty church service for years, and pursued things that made me happy in the interim (became a professional jazz musician, built guitars) and now, I get my jollies from serving in the community, not the church. I don’t regret all those things I did.
At 60, the opportunities you said are gone now may not be present, but the world is full of interesting things to do for the person who goes looking for them. I would suggest taking the “inspiration” of leaders with a grain of salt, doing what your heart says while considering the impact of lessening church involvemnt will have on your family, and find other things you can do now that you really enjoy, consistent with your own inspiration and passions.
When I was younger, I thought playing music and building guitars was the be-all end all. If I could learn to do that, I would leave this life happy….well, I figured both of those out and I had to find a new passion. My new passion — community service outside the church — has led to the discovery of new talents and entirely new careers I would consider pursuing.
Also, I no longer let the church’s “shoulds” control my behavior. Leaders DO conflate the gospel with the aims of the temporal church and one can’t let guilt or other emotions leaders can inspire in you give up your own sense of what is right and good for you personally…
That’s my advice. It has helped me survive and be happy in the church with a very active daughter.
Church can be frustrating for the few who have moved beyond that paradigm. While a believer, I no longer believe what the majority do. This puts me at odds with much of what of what is said on Sunday. And yet I keep coming back. Why? Because somehow in the midst of all the nonsense, it is my community and where God placed me and wants me to be. I had some thoughts from reading your post. If your two goals you mentioned are truly too late to achieve, then I think you need to take the time to mourn the loss of them. Allow yourself to feel the stages of grief as you pass through them. You can’t accept the loss of them if you don’t allow yourself the other emotions involved with it. Also, is there another goal you have that is possible to reach? Maybe it isn’t as important to you as the other two were, but if you had something else you wanted to do that was possible still, I think you would feel better about your life if you were able to accomplish some other thing you want to do. And this time you could make certain to put it first, and not let anything stop you from achieving it.
Finally, as others have mentioned seeking professional help, I will once again advocate for couples therapy. Having a good relationship with your wife might help you get through dealing with your emotions and may make you feel better about your life in general.
I hope things get better for you. Life is pretty hard for all of us. Good luck.
Kipper wrote:I ask myself why can’t I make a change and correct these thing and I answer that I am holding it in, covering everything up to keep my family together. Only child is on a mission and wife works in the temple. Everything is solid…looking.
I could easily be the one to be shunned. I’m sorry you’re in such a difficult state of mind. I spent several months being deathly afraid of shunning, and I eventually just fatigued of it. I’m still afraid, but not as much. I don’t have any advice, just my own experience that things inside my head have gotten better and I hope they do for you, too.
Kipper wrote:I finally gave in to meds.
Kipper, meds can help in certain situations. That depends a lot. But there is nothing wrong with saying you want to tackle it without drugs. Most importantly, be patient about finding a counselor that works for you and your style. I struck out a few times before I found one that really helped. They are all very different. There are different branches of psychology, and these are applied by counselors in a variety of ways, so, again, find one that works for you. I would suggest specifically talking to them about their approach. Here’s a primer on the types of therapy:http://www.counselling-directory.org.uk/counselling.html Kipper wrote:If they guide me to just be happy with what I have and where I am now I am going to lose it.
I completely understand. I felt that same way. I used to say to my wife something like, “I know now that life sucks. That’s just the way it is. No counselor is going to change that.” But I have come to realize that I was simply wrong about that. It was my perception, and I need the help of a counselor to get my order of precedent straight. To paraphrase Helaman 5:10, a counselor can’t save you IN your despair, but FROM your despair. I realize now that life itself is the most wonderful thing we have, and a sucky job, or too many bills, or disappointments that we suffer are a distant 2nd place to simply being alive. My transition was not in learning to accept how things are, but in learning to see what matters most as more than just the occasional OK part of life. I swear to you that I was certain that I would never be happy again, but I have been, and more than I could have ever imagined.Oh my gosh. I thought I would be notified when a reply was posted since I am the OP but I didn’t realize I needed to check the notify box so figured the thread was dead an I haven’t been looking for awhile. Makes me feel ungrateful but I’m not. I’m so grateful to all for your comments. I quickly looked thru and saw some very encouraging thoughts and comments and understanding. This community gives insight and down to earth comments that can be found no where else. So many of my issues are addressed, I can’t begin to express all my appreciation for you time. So I need to read thoroughly thru your posts and reply thoughtfully. I have a list of counselors from my provider to call but I know that is only part of the solution. The big obstacle for me is getting thru the “mourning” process of loosing my opportunity. It’s difficult to move on and happily participate in an organization who I hold responsible. I never thought of it that way until just now.
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