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I am trying to figure out my spiritual life right now. My belief in the theological supremacy of the Church is gone; but, I still the church as a power of good. I’m trying to figure out where I go from here. My husband has studied and read extensively about the church .. And come to very different conclusions than I have. He is visibly uncomfortable when I say anything critical about the church. And yet , he is trying to be supportive of where I am spiritually.
The big complications is that we have one daughter still home. She is not an easy fit into the YW program. The other girls are talking lip gloss and our daughter is talking physics and photons. There is nothing wrong with either conversation .. But they are very different. I feel like I want to promote her attendance at church, but I truly hate attending myself. If she left the church as an adult, I would be completely okay with it. Yet, I don’t want to promote her leaving now as a teenager. She is miserable at church due to social reasons — not spiritual reasons.
I am trying to find the right balance in my life between supporting my husband, encouraging my daughter, and showing some personal integrity. I’m not sure it can be done.
Anyway .. I am hoping to get insight from others here; to learn from their journeys.
I have not been to church in over 10 years and I have a TBM spouse. She and the children have faithfully attended during the time I have been inactive. I essentially took a “do no harm” stance, and allowed them to be a participatory as they wanted and supported them as they did so. Two of them are now grown, one a BYU grad and one serving a mission. The other two are at home and active members. I will say that sometimes my wife does pressure them into doing things they don’t really want to do, and while I disagree with that approach I allow it to happen to keep the peace. While I have questions and serious doubts about the church, I hold no animosity toward the church. I agree that church can be a force for good. OTOH church can also be crushing to the spirit. It sounds like your daughter’s dislike of church is not overly oppressive. She isn’t being bullied for example. I might encourage her to continue just because there are helpful principles to be found amongst the dross that can help her grow and make life decisions. This also has the benefit of supporting your husband.
If I were you I would try to bond with DD over stuff that she enjoys and excells at. (Science museums, clubs, and contests)
Church is fine and good but if her real passion is science then encourage that passion and let the rest fall where it may.
As far as leaving the church – I would be careful. There may be many unintended consequences. Perhaps limiting church involvement might be less impactful. (maybe just go to SM).
Just my thoughts. Welcome!
amateurparent wrote:I am trying to figure out my spiritual life right now. My belief in the theological supremacy of the Church is gone; but, I still the church as a power of good. I’m trying to figure out where I go from here.
My husband has studied and read extensively about the church .. And come to very different conclusions than I have. He is visibly uncomfortable when I say anything critical about the church. And yet , he is trying to be supportive of where I am spiritually.
The big complications is that we have one daughter still home. She is not an easy fit into the YW program. The other girls are talking lip gloss and our daughter is talking physics and photons. There is nothing wrong with either conversation .. But they are very different. I feel like I want to promote her attendance at church, but I truly hate attending myself. If she left the church as an adult, I would be completely okay with it. Yet, I don’t want to promote her leaving now as a teenager. She is miserable at church due to social reasons — not spiritual reasons.
I am trying to find the right balance in my life between supporting my husband, encouraging my daughter, and showing some personal integrity. I’m not sure it can be done.
Anyway .. I am hoping to get insight from others here; to learn from their journeys.
Hi, amateurparent – I really identify with your basic situation. If and when I talk about “issues” with my kids, I’ve decided to do it as much as possible
with my husband presentbecause: my husband won’t feel like I’m doing an end-run, I’m more inclined to speak carefully and my child doesn’t feel stressed. At least, this is what I hope will happen. There are times when my kids aren’t a good fit socially and I try to take some of the pressure off by not “requiring” 100% participation and emphasizing that sometimes you go to serve and not to be served. But that might just not be enough if she’s really miserable. Is she close to any of her leaders?
amateurparent, first, welcome. I look forward to the addition of your voice in this community. amateurparent wrote:My husband has studied and read extensively about the church .. And come to very different conclusions than I have. He is visibly uncomfortable when I say anything critical about the church. And yet , he is trying to be supportive of where I am spiritually.
I have found it helpful to continually remind myself that I am the one who has changed, not my wife. Therefore, I believe I have the greater burden for patience, acceptance, and kindness. I’m glad my wife still loves me, in spite of it all, but in fairness to her, when we were married in the temple all those years ago, we set out together on a plan for life that has not come to fruition because of my fall. I have learned to support and to celebrate her faith. I’m not perfect in that regard, but I try.Now, about kids. For me, it took a long time to come to terms with it, but I now believe that the best approach is to encourage the kids to stay with the Church, and then simply add in moderation about the teachings. My kids know that I’m not a believer, and I don’t get into why. I would much much rather have a conversation about how there are good people in all walks of life than to have a discussion about polygamy. I send out my kids on missions with the advice to have as their primary goal to help people find and approach God, and to baptize as something far less important. In other words, my beliefs find their way into the family discussion in a way that is not threatening to their beliefs.
I believe that the LDS Church, for all its flaws, has created a wonderful sense of community. I think that the Church raises the most consistently good young people of any organization I know.
As for your daughter’s issue with fitting in, let me talk for a second about missionary work. One of the things I think is so valuable about young people serving 18 or 24 month long missions is that they learn how to adapt, how to get along with others in a common cause, and how to take ownership of their own actions. The downside is that they are thrust into an environment where all this is necessary. But taking that away would rob them of the opportunity. It doesn’t work for everyone, so you have to apply your own special knowledge of the situation, but it does wonders for many. I believe that each of my children is better off for having participated in YM/YW, in spite of, and even because of, the challenges that were present for each and every one of them.
Thank you each of you for your thoughtful comments. Each has given me suggestions that I find applicable to the situation. I look forward to getting to know each of you better.
My study of myths and the power of myths in our lives, and traditions we hold to, helps me remember that good can come out of doing good things, and the feelings we get from doing things together as a family. It helps to compartmentalize some doubts, or some issues, or some things that are factually untrue, and still allow the goodness of church help our families be better families than without it.
Quote:“the best approach is to encourage the kids to stay with the Church, and then simply add in moderation about the teachings”
It occurs to me that we think of ourselves as at a conclusive place in our own spiritual journey, but we think of our kids as still in an incubator. In reality, we are all on our journey, just at different phases of life and with different experiences. I would try to resolve your own situation as well as you can, but it’s also a work in progress. Set some boundaries to prevent yourself from getting too upset about things that you don’t like. The church is progressing a lot right now. Many of those bothersome things may change within 2-5 years to where your experience is much better.
As to kids, I think the best way to get them to leave is to force them to stay when they are still in your control. Listen to them, be a sounding board, try to help them navigate their own social and faith situations non-judgmentally, but let them work things out. If they are over 16 and don’t want to go, I’m not one to force them to go. You can’t make every decision for them. Easier said that done, though.
On Own Now wrote:
As for your daughter’s issue with fitting in, let me talk for a second about missionary work. One of the things I think is so valuable about young people serving 18 or 24 month long missions is that they learn how to adapt, how to get along with others in a common cause, and how to take ownership of their own actions. The downside is that they are thrust into an environment where all this is necessary. But taking that away would rob them of the opportunity. It doesn’t work for everyone, so you have to apply your own special knowledge of the situation, but it does wonders for many.I believe that each of my children is better off for having participated in YM/YW, in spite of, and even because of, the challenges that were present for each and every one of them. I think this is true. As long as there’s nothing toxic going on, there is a lot to be said for finding a way to make it work. If I had “let” my kids just bag it when people were annoying and even offending them, they would have missed out on the growth on the other side. Fortunately, they didn’t keep things bottled up. We’d talk – why other people might be doing what they do, the principles involved, how to chart a course forward, etc. They didn’t always find a “BFF” at church, but that’s okay.
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