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Sorry this is so long, maybe I’m writing more as therapy to myself than just a meaningful post. Sometimes it is good just to write thoughts down to sort through the experience behind them. Early this year, at the very beginning of my being able to resolve the anger and betrayal I felt toward the church for lying to me about its history, I got a call from a member of the stake presidency to meet with them. I was totally dreading it, but after talking to my wife some about, we determined to go, but not necessarily just accept a calling on the spot. Needless to say, I was nervous about it right up through the time we met.
This member of the stake presidency is a very kind person who puts tremendous effort into serving the church and I admire his dedication. I got to know him better several years ago while I was serving as a counselor in the bishopric. Anyway, this time as we met, it was very apparent that his approach to talking to us was fully scripted. I was surprised when he said that he could see the light of the gospel in me and that happiness I must feel. Did he truly have no clue about the level of betrayal I was feeling?
🙄 He extended a calling to be one of the assistants in the HP group and I told him I would have to think about it and pray. I think he was floored that I said this and told us about the blessings we would be given by serving blah blah blah.The interpretation I have made from the spiritual experiences in my life have led me to want to stay in the church and help where I can, knowing full well I will never be an orthodox member. My wife and I discussed the calling that evening and I really felt I could do it, knowing I might get myself in trouble in the future with what I might say or with an opinion I might share. So, I have been in the HP group leadership of my ward and it has been going reasonably well.
We had stake conference late last month and as always, there was a leadership training for two hours the Saturday afternoon, before the general sessions they have that evening and on Sunday. I live in Utah and for the “training”, they read and discussed the January 10 letter the church released about gay marriage (
http://www.mormonnewsroom.org/article/church-instructs-leaders-on-same-sex-marriage After the “sermon” on the church’s gay marriage letter, they split up the groups of leadership and I went to a class on teaching. A question came up on where people can go if they ask hard-to-answer questions in class – nobody had a good answer (we all know in this forum it is because the church dodges trying to address the tough issues and discourages people from asking in the first place). Needless to say, I hardly left the meeting that day feeling uplifted or Christlike. I felt compelled to share my views on gay marriage to the High Priest group leader I am serving with. I felt he needed to know where I stood.
The following day in the general session of stake conference, many of the talks had to do with what I perceived as blind obedience, but then as the concluding speaker, our stake president (he is a good man – don’t let my rant take away from that) gave a wonderful talk about reaching out and being a friend to everyone. It was an interesting ending to a rough weekend. I felt like the Lord made sure to put something into this conference that I would feel good about and that would renew my faith in the membership of the church.
I don’t know – maybe I’m just not cut out for this leadership thing anymore. It is hard to know when I need to keep quiet on issues and when to speak up. This position with the knowledge I have now is much more difficult than the time I spent serving in the bishopric. Yet, I truly feel I can serve in this calling and be somewhat of a voice to those around me who experience similar challenges to mine – there has to be people like this in the ward, but who remain quiet about it. I don’t want to share anything with anyone that will rock their world – I know how I felt when going through my faith crisis.
How do others serve in ward leadership while having feelings/opinions such as mine? There seems to be a great deal of responsibility in knowing the truths of the church in greater depths than the TBM I used to be.
NewLight wrote:
How do others serve in ward leadership while having feelings/opinions such as mine? There seems to be a great deal of responsibility in knowing the truths of the church in greater depths than the TBM I used to be.My answer is that I don’t serve in a leadership capacity in the church. Perhaps do service, help with events, maybe even organize events that you feel passionate about, but don’t partake of the “good Christian=Good Mormon” training we hear so much about in the church.
Also, ask yourself — “What do I want out of service? What kind of service would really speak to my inner need to serve mankind [assuming you have that at this point in your journey]”. Don’t limit yourself to church service. Think of any kind of service to mankind — and then pursue that.
Also, tune out the noise — the noise that tells you that if you don’t do X you are not being a good Christian/priesthood holder etcetera. Learn to distinguish between institutional loyalty and loyalty to God. They are two separate things.
I also believe the church is grossly flawed in its attitude that you don’t “seek position” or “ask to serve in a particular calling” etcetera — that you “serve where placed” because “the finger of the Lord” pointed to you in a meeting of leaders who have incomplete information about you and how you feel about the gospel. While that may be true sometimes, I think its in far fewer cases than the leaders would have us believe [not that they are being deceptive, just faithful in their own ideas as inspiration].
So, I would ask these questions:
1. What role does service to others play in my life now? How much of my life can I devote to selfless service to others?
2. What would I like to accomplish with my service? (personal growth, near-term results, service to a particular group whose needs speak to your conscience).
3. How might I like to serve in the church, in capacities I have control to chart (those ways that don’t require being formally set apart)?
4. If there are no such opportunities, where else, outside the church, can I serve mankind in a way that excites me?
Answer these questions, and there you might find a path that brings you peace. From what you are saying, I think accepting the Assistant HP position will make you confront the confusion between institutional loyalty and Christianity the church is notorious for propagating. Broaden your horizons so you can serve with passion, freedom, and without angst. And don’t be afraid to quote the many comments from GA’s that tell us to be involved in serving mankind, and in the community.
NewLight wrote:How do others serve in ward leadership while having feelings/opinions such as mine?
Good question, I’d like to know that myself. I’ve got a few meetings coming up and I also have an assignment that will place me in a very precarious situation.
The path I’m currently treading is a highly individualistic path. I’d sum it up as being that of an observer as I attempt to internalize all the good I witness along the way. I would be very comfortable withdrawing myself from others as I navigate this path. I’d be very comfortable being the stoic hermit on the sidelines. I would not withhold acts of service but I would draw the line with telling others how they should be living their lives. It’s easy to see how that path doesn’t mesh with leadership in the church, no need to elaborate.
There are many other paths I could walk, most of which conflict with being a leader in the church. For instance acting on those moments where you feel you can no longer remain silent. It’s similarly easy to see that if your position is in conflict with church leadership or culture you aren’t going to thrive as a leader.
Borrowing a tagline from a different thread… perhaps if I let that freak flag fly high enough the dissonance I face while serving in leadership won’t be a problem in the future.
😈 I stick to the buffet analogy. There are somethings that will just not be to your liking. Compartmentalize those, and leave them behind. I can’t get into discussions with anyone at church about LGBT issues or the church’s stance, or supporting church leaders on that issue. I just can’t. I park it. It makes me hurt sometimes to hear some ignorant comments by well meaning people…it is not uplifting. It makes me sad. But, there are other parts of the buffet. In a leadership calling, there may be some great opportunities to help others who think like we do, feel like we do, and are the unspoken and unheard members of the ward family. They sometimes need to hear from someone that can assure them there is a place in the church.
The problem comes when the leadership callings become too demanding that it is hard to keep peace in your heart. And at times, it is best to step down.
My point is that it can be done, and there are ways to do a lot of great service in the church. I believe that. I have hope for that. People often enjoy my lessons and my talks in church. I think it is good for the whole orchestra to have different points of view shared. But only if you can keep peace in your heart and your home while doing it. It’s not easy. But can be done, I believe.
By realizing and accepting the fact that when they call me, they get ME.By knowing that if they don’t like my views, they can release me without hurting my feelings. I literally have no ego invested in that game.
By picking my battles, but, to the greatest extent possible, finding ways to say uncomfortable things as gently as possible – often prefacing my comments with a reference to an apostle, since most orthodox members are less wiling to argue against an apostle than they are about arguing with me. (For example, “I love that Pres. Uchtdorf has said that everyone who wants to worship with us is welcome, even if they don’t see lots of things exactly like me. I have a friend who believes . . .”)
By preaching the message that all instruments are important in God’s orchestra, not just the piccolos. (Elder Wirthlin’s “Concern for the One” and multiple talks from Pres. Uchtdorf.)
By saying, sometimes, with a smile and a chuckle, “I guess I’m more of an Uchtdorfian member than a McConkian member.”
By contributing at least 4-5 fairly orthodox comments for every heterodox comment.
By serving with people, not just preaching at people.
Curtis — not to sideline the discussion — but I wanted to say that I quoted you the other day when I was asked to take over an assignment from a very talented employee. This has happened to me a lot of different times over my career, where I have been asked to assume the responsibilities of this ex-CEO who is now a business professor. Often, after I do my thing (which usually involves leadership or speaking), managers or his former peers make comments like — Mr. Ex-CEO used to do it this THIS. Or, you didn’t do X — if Mr. Ex-CEO were here, he would have done it THIS WAY.
Well, having seen this pattern, I told my boss that I’m happy to take over the responsibilities, but she needs to bear in mind that if she wants Silentdawning to do it — she gets Silentdawning. The way I do it is different than Mr. EX-CEO, and I’m not going to try to do things the way he does. Nor have I had the decades of experience, management training and personal mentors he’s had since he was 20. So, don’t expect me to be Mr. Ex-CEO in a Silentdawning body.
So, if she is OK with that, then I’m all for taking on the responsibility. I was careful to indicate I have no animosity toward Mr. Ex-CEO, and that he’s a mentor and friend, but I wanted to make it clear that she gets me, with the way I see the world, and the way I do things — not the way anyone else would do it.
She looked at me like she didn’t know what to say. But I felt good that I’d pre-empted the likely comparison that would have inevitably happened.
I like your phraseology on that one, and will likely use it again and again. It came to mind the second she asked me to take on this new responsibility, which indicated to me its’ part of my psyche/character to assert myself that way. I think it’s good for anyone who is asked to take on a calling or responsibilities and there is room for unhealthy criticism rooted in who you are.
Thanks, you guys – I appreciate the help and perspective. I don’t know how this will evolve SilentDawning, and it may turn into a calling I feel I can’t do. For me, the nice thing about the whole faith crisis is my discovery that I genuinely want to help people. The “blessings” from service revolve around the good feelings I get by reaching a hand out to others. Curtis, I like the idea that they get me as is – very helpfel point of view to keep in mind.
If its something you feel you can’t do, then I would not accept it. You probably won’t do a good job of it, and as a former church leader, its very demotivating for everyone who counts on you to get things done. Also — imagine a “calling” (any service opportunity, anywhere, in any organization) that has you totally excited when you wake up in the morning to fulfil your responsibilities….I have that every day now. I can “testify” about how much more there is in service than what the church can provide. On the other hand, one often feels loyalty to the church, and sometimes, the church experiences can be serendipitous. Good luck as you make your decision.
But I like what Steve Jobs said — if you find yourself waking up dreading what you have to do too many times in a row, then its time to make changes.
Hi Newlight, I do not know if this will help or not. I am new to the form. I have to say that as a member I absolutely love the church and the spirit I feel when I come to church. Despite this there have been things that I have had a hard time understanding as far as how certain aspects of the gospel are carried out like the extent of business tactics in so many missions, and members who are good Mormons but can be not very good Christians, and why all parts of the Word of Wisdom in section 89 are not focused on. I recently served as Elders quorum president and my wife Relief society president in a branch with out a lot of help that we needed and I have had a lot of anger towards a number of people for not helping carry the load. I know these have to do with segments of members of the church and not the gospel of Jesus Christ itself. That being said they have been challenging things to make sense in the gospel context. Lately, though it seems these things have become more insignificant as far as outlook of the church. I am in a ward now and I have been really studying Jesus the Christ and the New Testament to really understand the weightier truths of the gospel such as forgiveness, compassion, seeking the needs of others, looking to do good. The love of Christ has grown greatly in the last month since my renewed efforts to draw close to the Lord. I feel these top priorities of the gospel of Christ weighing heavily on my heart. I teach the 16 and 17 years and Elder’s quorum and I feel that in the settings in my ward compliance to the law is overstressed, but I feel that is why I have been called, I am the answer, or the counterbalance. If others teach towards one part of the gospel, then I use the spirit and balance out with the other side- compassion, judging ourselves instead of judging others, etc so that the full complement of the gospel is given. My concern are still there in the background but the love of Christ overshadows it much more now and my Church experience deeper. I say this just to emphasize that it could be likely that you are called because your ward needs the more compassionate and willingness to understand others side shared with them so your high priest group is well rounded saints. I am not advocating openly counteracting the Church’s doctrine because you can’t do that in church but for instance you can help members have a better and more compassionate view towards members with homosexual tendencies. Mormons and gays is an official church website and therefore can be used in teaching lessons. I learned a lot about how challenging it can be for these members and also that the church no longer counsels these members to get married because in many cases it makes the problem worse. The Church leaves this decision squarely in their hands. I really like using this website in teaching because I really look up to these members who make the ultimate sacrifice of a life of intimacy in order to keep their close relationship to God. I emphasize this to the priesthood in my ward that if these members can make this big of a sacrifice then I feel as members we can likewise use to spirit to be content with our spouses and our relationship and not desire that which cannot or should not have. Lastly, remember the analogy that Paul makes in Corinthians that the body of Christ is like the physical body and the eye cannot say to the hand, I have no need of thee. You are part of that body and the Church needs your perspective and attributes. I feel that the church’s position on many issues has become more of understanding through the last 3 decades on several issues. In 60’s teenagers would excommunicated if they went off the deep end in for a bit. I feel that this was an overreaction to the free love movement of the sixties, but for a very conservative values church with the leaders of the world war 2, depression generation and before, I think this was a shock to everyone in the religion community and understandable. With experience has come understanding and with issues like repentance, homo sexual tendencies, immigration and single mothers the church has made a lot more emphasis in church policy on understanding those who struggle and helping rather than judging them though this is not always reflected in the members attitudes. I feel that the Lord will let even his leaders make mistakes and learn from them and I feel at some point all things will be made right of things I feel that need to be fixed whether in this life or the next. All I know is that I feel the spirit when I go to Church even if some things of church administration or history are hard to understand. NewLight wrote:It is hard to know when I need to keep quiet on issues and when to speak up.
This may be neither here nor there, but one thing I will not (more like
cannot) do anymore is teachsomething with which I disagree. That’s a bright line for me, but everything else is case by case, and I try to remember the good advice given here. NewLight wrote:I live in Utah and for the “training”, they read and discussed the January 10 letter the church released about gay marriage (
http://www.mormonnewsroom.org/article/church-instructs-leaders-on-same-sex-marriage NewLight, can you elaborate on what they expect of leaders? How would a HP group leader have anything directly to do with defending the Church’s position on same-sex marriage? I’ve never thought of HP or EQ leaders as doing anything other than running home teaching and teaching lessons and coordinating service projects. Since Utah’s such a conservative state, what difference would it make if you disagree as long as you’re teaching the basic tenets of the Gospel? It’s not like you’re going to be able to peel off a lot of members to support same-sex marriage anyway.
As far as I can tell, the main purpose of my calling is to make sure we have lessons prepared each week, along with encouraging and monitoring home teaching, just as you say. I agree with you in that I really doubt they were calling on us to defend the church’s stance. The whole training segment was more from the angle of “to be a good leader, fall in line and share the church’s view of gay marriage, or you are not following the prophet.”. So, I guess it really had nothing to do with whether or not I could do a good job in the calling. After I came home and told my wife about it, she mentioned the possibility that the stake president was”nudged” into talking about it as firmly as he did. That may be somewhat believable, given the awesome talk he gave the next day centered on caring and loving all those around us, especially those who really need support and a friend. Interesting.
NewLight wrote:After I came home and told my wife about it, she mentioned the possibility that the stake president was”nudged” into talking about it as firmly as he did. That may be somewhat believable, given the awesome talk he gave the next day centered on caring and loving all those around us, especially those who really need support and a friend. Interesting.
Yes, I’m sure there’s symmetry in there. You sat in on a meeting to discuss it as a group of priesthood leaders at the stake level, your SP probably sat in on a similar meeting to discuss it as a group of SPs and was told to discuss it in the next priesthood leadership meeting. The good news is that it appears as though the SP has set a nice precedent, his takeaway appeared to be caring and loving all around us.
It’s going to be extremely hard to argue that one is not following the prophet if one is preaching love the people around us. Besides, these days I’m comfortable saying: you know what, maybe I’m not following the prophet. No justifications needed.
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