Just venting

I liked your post. A few thoughts that came to my mind while reading.

I love talking to people who are having a hard time, (I talk to the people that most of the ward stays clear of)

Sounds like the ward, or at least several members of your ward desperately need you.

Please don’t take this the wrong way but… here’s your opportunity to prove everyone wrong.

Over the last few days I’ve been soul searching, finding reasons for the why behind doing what I do. One thought kept returning. In church the reasons for obedience are all framed around god. Some reasons are better than others, some obey out of fear of punishment, some obey out of desire for reward, some obey out of love for god. There are varying levels for reasons to obey but they all center around god. I’ve found another reason. I obey the commandments that I obey simply because that is who I am now. Fear, expectation, and love may ebb and flow but that won’t change who I am.

I believe that for many TBMs the removal of god from the equation naturally translates to a removal of the impetus to obey or to live a certain gospel principle. There’s no one to fear, no one to bless, no one to love so they might expect the natural byproduct to be a hedonistic lifestyle. They might not understand how a person in that position can still have desires to be charitable. Here’s your chance to prove them wrong. If anything my FT helped me be more “obedient” in the traditional sense. I am now free to live true principles without a crutch. My motivations are no longer judged to be better or worse than alternative motivations. I’m simply motivated.

Nibbler wrote:

Please don’t take this the wrong way but… here’s your opportunity to prove him wrong.

Over the last few days I’ve been soul searching, finding reasons for the why behind doing what I do. One thought kept returning. In church the reasons for obedience are all framed around god. Some reasons are better than others, some obey out of fear of punishment, some obey out of desire for reward, some obey out of love for god. There are varying levels for reasons to obey but they all center around god. I’ve found another reason. I obey the commandments that I obey simply because that is who I am now. Fear, expectation, and love may ebb and flow but that won’t change who I am.

I love that, finding your motives for why you do the things you do. It takes practice, IMO, to get to the bottom, like peeling the onion layers. There are many motives covering up the real motives, but it is so healing to figure out the truth and live from “pure’ motives. I had often asked myself “would I brush my teeth or hair if I didn’t care what others would think?” I honestly had to discover through several layers that it is about self care is about self love. If I understand you correctly, what you are saying is that you are good just because you are. Not because you are afraid of “god’s punishment or lack of reward. I feel the same way and hope that I can (and AM) proving to him that people are “good” because they are. I am good because I AM, not because of fear, expectation and love… I just AM! Thanks for the reminder.

DJ: hahaha I re-read my post, It has the FREAK OUT kind of tone… I am actually laughing pretty hard at myself and I think you are right, I just needed to get it all out, because it was starting to fester and rot. Oh, I may have lied about the treat thing. hahaha Thanks for reading it though, really it was long.

I do feel that my husband is trying really hard… (I just get greedy at times and want it to move along faster). Do you feel that you take a backseat because you are the one that changed? Or because she is the mother? You don’t have to answer if that is too personal, I am just curious. I am made the mistake of being the “Number one Parent”..because that is my primary responsibility to be quite honest, I took pride that I was better at it than my dh. I read more books, I am home with them, I am the mama, and the Family Proclamation told me I was right. Now I that my views have changed, and my son is a teenager, I am trying to share the parenting more equally. But, I can’t lie. I back off quite a bit to keep the peace. If it were 100% up to me, I would tell my son he never had to go to church or scouts or anything church related unless he wanted to. But I love and respect my husband enough to see where he is coming from, and I want happiness and peace over getting my way. (at least most of the time) I was bullied into everything as a child and teenager and I WONT see it happen to my children. I believe my favorite beliefs from Mormonism is Free Agency, I just think we have a weird way of practicing it.

Here’s to learning balance. It is my greatest desire. (which is why I chose the profile pic I have)

I agree that staying and remaining a good, moral person is important to disprove incorrect and narrow views.

Great vent. That’s one reason we are here – to have a place to vent constructively.

Trying to be concise because my computer is eating my postings. 👿

About DH – it sounds like his worldview is very tied up in the siege mentality of the church (be in the world but not of the world, flee from Babylon). I don’t expect that to change much. You could introduce some nice non-LDS people but it sounds like he has plenty of anecdotal evidence to support his conclusions. Sometimes when in-laws and others are frustrating me with their way of doing things – it helps to remind myself that they can’t change or even understand any better way of doing things than how they currently do them. The onus is on me to see the good in what they DO do (or at least try to do).

As far as church. I tell my kids that it is something that the family does together – similar to eating at the table for meal times. My kids are younger so that might only go so far with your situation.

Trying to be concise because my computer is eating my postings. 👿

About DH – it sounds like his worldview is very tied up in the siege mentality of the church (be in the world but not of the world, flee from Babylon). I don’t expect that to change much. You could introduce some nice non-LDS people but it sounds like he has plenty of anecdotal evidence to support his conclusions. Sometimes when in-laws and others are frustrating me with their way of doing things – it helps to remind myself that they can’t change or even understand any better way of doing things than how they currently do them. The onus is on me to see the good in what they DO do (or at least try to do).

As far as church. I tell my kids that it is something that the family does together – similar to eating at the table for meal times. My kids are younger so that might only go so far with your situation.

That is true. I was frustrated yesterday, but my DH and inlaws are some of the best people I know! That is honestly the worse thing I can find to say about them, sometimes it bugs me more than other times.

I really like that idea of telling them that it is something we do as a family, just like meals and such. I also have to talk myself into going for that reason. I usually spend the time coloring with my kids. It makes me feel less like I am wasting time because my kids love the one on one attention with no distractions of home.

Here’s to learning balance. It is my greatest desire. (which is why I chose the profile pic I have)

It’s a great one. :thumbup:

I haven’t vented on this forum yet, but I’m sure it will happen at some point. I do vent on paper, though and then shred it. I think doing it here will be even better.

I asked myself a very pointed question the other day. I said, “Self, if you were a single woman and had no children, would you still go to church?” I answered myself unequivocally and without hesitation, “Not for one more Sunday!” It felt so great to admit that to myself. I’m going 100% to please my family. Right now that means I go all alone because DH is out of the country for work and our children don’t live at home anymore. DH always asks how church was the next day and I want to be honest with him and I’ve run out of excuses not to go. I don’t know why I worry so much. He slept through his own church meeting last week

About your kids, I wish I had the perfect answer for you. We forced our kids to go and we regret it SO much now. We’ve told them that too, which they appreciated. The ones we had to force to go to church quit going almost the minute they turned 18. At that time it was hard for me and I felt like I had failed. Now, I think I understand them better than my active kids, even though they make some life choices I still don’t agree with.

The one thing we’ve learned is that when we back off and let them choose their own way, most of the time they make the right choice. When they choose wrong, they learn from it an move on, just like everyone else.