It was the end, it was the beginning

Hello! I am an European member – non-native English speaker (so, I’m sorry for the mistakes!) , third generation in the church. I served a mission, temple married, I’ve two wonderful children, and I’m serving in the Bishopric. I’m still struggling to understand who I was three months ago and who I am now. Some of my friends had left the church a few years ago for issues related to doctrine. However, there were also other problems, and I had always thought that their decision only served to cover other issues. My answer to their burning questions was: FAIR has the answer! In January, a close friend asked me: “why do you think most people leave the Church.” I told him: “They have personal problems o troubles with other members.” He told me: “No, they have problems with the doctrine. ” I was skeptic. He recommended me to watch the video on youtube “Top 5 Myths and Truths About Why Committed Mormons Leave the Church”. I liked the video, but I still could not see beyond. However, I decided to visit the forum sponsored by the video “staylds.com.” It was the end. It was the beginning. My FC began reading the discussion about the church essay “Race and the priesthood.” It was like a punch in the stomach. I was angry about the decisions of the past and the present. Where was the revelation for a century and a half? What relationship existed between revelation and political decisions. I talked about the argument with some friends, but no one had sufficient answers. Wasn’t the Church perfect? How did they make those decisions? I was also surprised that the essay was simply tucked away in the alphabetical list of Gospel Topics. Why? If I were a black member I’d like to know I’m not a son of Cain, or that I haven’t been less valiant in the premortal life. Don’t you? Does the Church fear the man more then God?

I realized that the answers of FAIR were no longer sufficient for me. I started studying hours and hours every day. Staylds helped me, gave me hope; Mormonthink opened my eyes. The more I read, the more I hurt, the more I felt uncomfortable. Many things around me began to have a different color: words, ideas, people, etc.. These are some of the keywords of my crisis: Fanny Alger, Helen Kimball, Mountain Meadow, mind programming, second anointing, B. H. Roberts, Masonry, Lying for the Lord.

I felt completely lost, teased. How was that possible? Satan was deceiving me? I knew to be honest. Was the Church completely honest? There were too many lies, too many inconsistencies. Why? I was grateful to have learned to love the Gospel through the Church, but I couldn’t lie to myself.

Luckily my wife is understanding me. She knows that I am acting in good faith. I asked the stake president to be released because I cannot serve in the bishopric having so many doubts. He understood. He is close to me. My bishop is trying to understand me. It is not easy for him. We’ve had so many spiritual experiences together. I have not been specific with him about my doubts. I do not want to disturb him. He is worried about what members will say and think about my release. In my ward there are about 90 members. We are a big family. Everyone wants to know, but I do not want them to know, because they would not understand. They would think that I want to cover some sin or that I’m hiding something else, that I will lose, that I’ll become unhappy, or something like that. Perhaps, they would be waiting for me to fall in order to justify my choice. It would be very difficult to accept that I can be happy. It would create a dissonance difficult to justify. I used to think the same way. Forgive me!

Thanks to this forum I know I’m not alone. There is a life beyond the FC. Thank you for all your stories. I don’t know you personally, we have a different mother tongue, we are thousands of miles away, but I feel you really close.

In my darkest days these scriptures really helped me:

Luke 12: 1-7 … Beware ye of the leaven of the Pharisees, which is hypocrisy. For there is nothing covered, that shall not be revealed; neither hid, that shall not be known. Therefore whatsoever ye have spoken in darkness shall be heard in the light; and that which ye have spoken in the ear in closets shall be proclaimed upon the housetops. And I say unto you my friends, Be not afraid of them that kill the body, and after that have no more that they can do. But I will forewarn you whom ye shall fear: Fear him, which after he hath killed hath power to cast into hell; yea, I say unto you, Fear him. Are not five sparrows sold for two farthings, and not one of them is forgotten before God? But even the very hairs of your head are all numbered. Fear not therefore: ye are of more value than many sparrows.

Galatians 5:12 For, brethren, ye have been called unto liberty; only use not liberty for an occasion to the flesh, but by love serve one another.

I trust in the Lord. I can feel Him close. I want to try to continue to attend the church because it has given so much to my life and my family. Growing up Mormon in a Catholic country is not easy. You are always different, strange. But all this has helped me to create a close relationship with the Lord.

In these weeks I gave a talk and a lesson, I have attended bishopric meetings. I have felt many good emotions. Was it the spirit? In the bishopric so many times we received the same answers. Was it “group revelation”? Do you think that the Lord can inspire and give revelation to a group of people (in this case the Bishopric) acting in good faith, following the right principles, even if they belong to different faiths?

I have so many questions…. At this time I think that the church is a good organization to learn about the gospel and live in a healthy way.

I do not know where I’m going, but maybe losing myself I’m finding my way. I hope so.