Trying to Find a Way Back

I left the Church 8 years ago after 37 years as a member. I could no longer justify the discrepancies in Church history and things like DNA, archeology and Brigham Young (Mountain Meadow Massacre and Blacks and the Priesthood). After determining that the Church was not actually divine in origin, all of religion crumbled along with it. I no longer believe that any manmade religion has all truth. I believe there is some truth found in most places. My own theories coincide mostly with what I was raised with in the Church. Some of it is so logical that I have to believe it (pre-earth life, a Plan [not a plan of salvation, but a plan for eternal progression], and an accounting of what we have done while on the Earth.

I’m bipolar and gay, neither of which has made life easy. I served a mission, married in the temple and had three great kids and now have one grandson and another on the way. I left my wife because I could no longer pretend I wasn’t gay (even though I acted on it only a couple of times during our married years, both the effects of a bipolar manic episode), and that because of the bipolar disorder, I am not able to control what happens during a manic or mixed episode. When medication fails to keep the bipolar in check, all hell breaks loose.

I’m trying to find enough information outside of Faith and Prayer and Hope and all of the standard answers to one who questions the Church’s validity. I truly want to come back. I miss the people, they are MY people, my culture. I miss having the Church in common with my ex-wife and daughters (my son left long before I did and is happy with that). I would re-join only for the social aspect, but I’m not able to lie. I can’t tell a Bishop that I know the Church is true and that Christ is the Redeemer if I don’t actually believe it. And, as of now, I do not believe those things. The biggest hurdle, and the one that would make all the rest at least plausible, is the divinity of Jesus. There is so much evidence to refute the fact, and knowing the method by which the Bible was written makes that almost a worthless document. The Book of Mormon seems to have no basis in fact, and was probably a re-write of Spaulding’s manuscript.

There is so little of any type of history that can be taken at face value. And, to make things worse, I’m a conspiracy theorist. I don’t believe man has ever been to the moon; I believe a man with the initials D.C. masterminded 911; I believe a man with the initials L.J. masterminded the JFK assassination, etc., etc., etc. So, not believing most of history as it has been presented to us makes me even more skeptical about the origins of the Church.

Probably the one statement that had the most negative affect on me was when Gordon B. Hinckley, in an interview stated regarding the axiom “As man is God once was, and God is man may become”, that “I don’t know that we teach it. It’s a couplet more than anything else.” A couplet? Really? I was taught that since I was a child.

These hurdles are nearly insurmountable. I can’t simply accept things on Faith, knowing how many lies mankind has told throughout history. All other churches are based on lies, and Joseph Smith and Sidney Rigdon were no Saints (pardon the expression). The Church became what it is today largely through the influence of the 30+ years Brigham Young was President. We know he did some shady things.

So, where am I to turn? I can’t unlearn what I’ve learned, and to simply accept things on Faith alone will not be sufficient. There needs to be a certain amount of tangible history that is believable to support the idea of having Faith in the rest of the story.

I have an open mind, and I continue to research and explore all avenues to find what will satisfy me that there is a Christ and that “A” church, this Church, is true. I am not finding answers.

Sorry to take up so much space. I’m not comfortable in the secular world, and no longer comfortable in the religious world. That makes it very uncomfortable to even live. I need to find some answers. I read General Conference talks and they are all very nice, but nothing within them tells me the Church is true. I’ve had a couple of experiences that could be described as miracles, but they, too, can be explained away by my state of mind at the time.

If anyone has anything that they can offer with substance, not just “pray, have faith, read your scriptures, obey the commandments…”, then I welcome your input. How do I reconcile the obvious flaws in order to accept the things that we are supposed to believe are true?