Have you been described as "up and down"? Did it hurt?

Mike,

Thanks for responding. You had some good advice. I forgot how JC and JS struggled at times. That was comforting. I think that your right that i will try to find out new people to converse with about my concerns and issues. That family i was referencing told me i was too negative. It made me really self conscious….like i was failing…i couldnt be upbeat and bubbly all the time like them. I have made some other friends and and they ARE good friends. I should probably be grateful for what i do have friend wise and foster them more. There are hardly any other single women my age here in this ward. The ones that are have completely different lives than me. One was even fairly sarcastic and mean to me when i first joined…so i wont be trying to friend her! My current visiting teachers never visit me so that is a lost cause. I dont really do to much outside of church so my choice of friends there is limited. My old friends had a very dangerous lifestyle so i wont be looking them up. The other advice you gave that i wanted to address was that you said dont sweat the small stuff….that is some great advice that i have sortof gleaned from this site other times too. I really struggle with tithing and worry that i will be damned for not being able to pay my full 10%. But by looking at the scriptures and listening to the advice on here…i have realized there is more to it. Im evolving in my view of God and JC and what is just “church rules” and what is really needed. Thanks.

My first question is…how should i react to this? Should i email them and call them on it? Tell them i tossed and turned last nite because the only people i consider my “true friends” keep calling me names? That it made hesitant to try to stay in the church? I really want to but im afraid i will get the cold shoulder treatment. Its sad. I gave up all of my friendships i had when i joined the church because i was convinced their bad habits would hinder me and my testimony. Now i feel so alone.

I would slowly withdraw from these people — don’t call them, wait till they call you. Keep comments neutral when they ask about yourself, and spend most of the conversation asking about them. If they have almost pushed you out in the past, as you said, they are symptomatic of the problem we have in the church that when you aren’t feeling the way you are SUPPOSED to feel, you get ostracized. I also think it’s insensitive to make comments like they did — sure you’re up and down, but life can be like that, particularly when you are finding your way. So, be cordial, but not proactive in talking to them, and slowly minimize your interactions with them. In the church, there is a tendency to use labels to describe people. In my view, the “up and down” comment minimizes the depth of the experiences and introspection you are doing. It minimizes the experience of your world. When people start doing that, I find its best to withdraw gently.

Simultaneously, find other things to fill the hole left by these people. Your experiences don’t always have to be in the church. Find other organizations to which you can belong while still being active in the church. Get involved in a short-term project that excites you in the community and meet some people there. See where it leads.

My current circle of friends are completely outside the church now. I have cordial relationships there, but the musicians I perform with, the people in the non-profit in which I work, and a couple people at work are my friends now. I also have my own little world that revolves around becoming a better musician, reading to improve my ability to lead and manage, and watching shows that trigger my neurons about leadership management, and other things I find interesting. What are your

My second question is…how many of you have been described in this way? Was it worded the same way? Did it bother you? Did you feel like you were not as good as everyone else because of it? I feel like a loser now. I feel so stupid for sharing my fears and desires with these people. I wonder how many others at church view me this way.

I have been described this way. I find people have a threshold for down comments, so I’ve learned over the years to keep them to myself. People want to talk about their own lives, hear positive things, and would like to hear my woes, but only on a limited basis. Beyond a certain point, t becomes a service project for them to talk to me. It’s wearing on them. It’s best to work on things privately, or here online, or in your journal, or maybe on a limited basis with someone who has real expertise in the area you re struggling with.

Also, I have had people assign labels to me. For 20 years I had well above average performance reviews in my work. A new manager took over and somehow has labeled me as a veteran that’s been in the position for too long. I can’t seem to do anything right in spite of some very engaging and novel projects I’m working on at many long hours in addition to my regular responsibilities. And she’s very negative and judgmental toward me about most things. When the right opportunity comes along, I’ll be leaving that job as I don’t like functioning in environments where there are labels. They are very hard to change, and whether its right or wrong, it disturbs my inner peace.

So, I sympathize with you. You have to find new snow. That is my advice — particularly when this church relationship is discretionary. Unless these people are your employer, or bring some other practical benefit to your life, their influence is something you allow in your life, not a constraint you must learn to manage and participate in if it stops working for you.

I look at many (not all, but many) relationships like snow in winter. At first, the now is white, clean and fluffy and beautiful. Then, as people interact with each other, they form judgments, create withdrawals in the relationship, and then snow gets dirty, heavy and unattractive. The ground underneath gets muddy. At that time, it’s time to find new snow.

Not all relationships are like that, but many are that way.

Please don’t misunderstand what I’m about to say, but you admit you’re up and down, why does it bother you if they told the truth?

DJ,

It bothers me because i have asked them before to not say things like that in the past. To give you some background on why im so sensitive…He was my Bishop and i disclosed alot of personal, hurtful things from my past that i really didnt want to. I wanted to talk about it in my intro but it was deleted (and rightfully so probably). I have dealt with alot of you know what so to speak. I only disclosed this stuff to him because i was blackmailed by a nonmember and i was worried i would be thrown out of the church. To my great dismay…it was shared with the Stake President and eventually up the chain. It took me awhile to get over that (im a very private person). So when he says stuff like that, i worry that he is carrying personal opinions about everything that i have told him, what about forgiveness and forgetting? He only says stuff like that too when im excited or happy about something, which also takes the wind out of my sails. Probably the main reason why im still close to them is because i’ve always associated them with being like my confidants. And they have encouraged me to do that. But when i do…it comes back to haunt me later.

I think Mike was right in that i need to find new friends. And move on.

wos,

The most important thing that you can do is decide what kind of person you are and then live it with gusto and with no apologies. People think of you as up and down? Who cares? Embrace it if that’s the way you are. If they say you are up and down, laugh and with a broad smile exhort them to read Revelation 3:15-16.

I’ll give you a couple of experiences from my own life.

When I was about, I don’t know, 11. I had a bit of a reputation for being shy. I was standing with my mom and another adult, and my mom said, “He’s kind of shy.” I spoke up. “I’m not shy,” I said, “I’m quiet.” My mom loved that. I heard her use it many times, and even retell the story. It’s really true. I’m a pretty quiet guy. I do tend to be reserved in certain settings… Shy? Hell no. My youngest son even told me recently that it annoys him when I strike up conversations with total strangers.

Another time, I was talking with a ward member. She was telling me how wonderful it was that I still came to Church, and then she said, “Especially after…” and then just gave me an understanding look. What? Especially after what? I don’t believe. That’s my story. It’s not like something offended me or that I had an affair or something. For days, I was irritated and wondered what she meant. Eventually, though, I realized that I just don’t care. I am who I am. I’m strong enough to be me and not worry about what others think. This woman meant nothing by it. I consider her to be a big supporter of mine and someone I love to greet at Church. She goes out of her way to be kind to me. I’ve learned to be grateful for her and not concern myself with anything else.

Finally, in the immortal words of hawkgrrrl:

Our miseries aren’t supposed to be hidden because they are an inconvenience to others or make us look bad. I say let your freak flag fly! It’s the only way to be really happy.

One of the best things anyone can do is own herself as who she is in the moment, even with a commitment to improve in the future.

We do a huge disservice to each other and to Zion when we hide our uniqueness – even though I understand completely why we tend to do it. If you are interested, the following is one of the first posts I wrote on my personal blog – back in October 2007:

“The Wonder of Warts” (http://thingsofmysoul.blogspot.com/2007/10/wonder-of-warts.html)