I feel like I have one foot out the door

I don’t disagree with anything you wrote and while I may have worded some things differently, I do essentially hold those same beliefs. The problem is in the end where you say that it is unacceptable to you to sit and worship silently. The sad truth is that I believe that’s what you’re stuck with. Many here have found ways to subtly interject their unorthodox beliefs into lessons and discussions without being confrontational. I’m sure some are better at that than others, but it appears that cultivating this ability might benefit you. I do, of course, recognize from some of your other posts that your bishop is not open to those who are not orthodox and that makes it all the more challenging. He is not following the prophet by taking such a stance, for that is clearly not the stance of Pres. Uchtdorf.

You might be totally correct for your own ward (and too many others), but there are FAR more members who believe similarly to you on at least some and even all of the points who remain fully active – and even hold leadership positions at various levels.

As with lots of things, it’s a roll of the dice locally. I’m sorry you appear to have one of the shortest straws possible right now.

I can go along with everything you wrote, except #2 and the conclusion. As far as prophets I believe that anyone who speaks with the spirit of Christ can (or is) speak as a prophet. I also believe it is primarily MY responsibility to determine when someone is speaking as a prophet.

Fair enough. To me, there is a distinction between a “little p” prophet and a “capital P” Prophet. The scriptures speak of prophecy as being essentially bearing testimony of Jesus Christ. What I’m speaking more of is the “prophet AND seer AND revelator” type of role. The one who speaks for God and establishes doctrine. Does that make sense?

My own conclusion is I can worship God according to the dictates of my own conscience – how, where, or what I may. I choose to practice my religion by regular church participation while not trying to push my own unique views on anyone else any more than I like it when they push their views on me. I consider it the stronger person’s responsibility to take more than they dish, and I try to be a stronger person.

FWIW

I think there’s definitely a principle in there I need to reflect on, especially as it pertains to “pushing my unique views on anyone else.” I don’t know that that’s necessarily where I’m coming from, but more like it bothers me to hear the classic Mormon myths being perpetuated in church and/or misrepresentation of the actual history or meaning of certain things. I feel the need to speak up when I hear things either that are woefully inaccurate or what I think are damaging/close-minded.

I have been asking myself a lot lately what exactly it is I get out of going to church. I haven’t found a good answer yet, other than the fact that my wife would like me to go for our family’s sake and the sake of the kids. I feel like I don’t get much out of it, but I also fully acknowledge that you get out of something what you put into it. So perhaps this is all on me and I’m not putting enough into it. I dunno.

However, from experience I believe that I am starting to see that I cannot openly believe these things and be accepted within your average LDS ward. So, my choice is to either silently worship at church (to me, not only unfair, but unacceptable), openly worship at church (culturally frowned upon and uncomfortable) or remove myself from the institution of church altogether.

I’m getting more comfortable just standing in my spot, one foot in and one out, with people on both sides of it metaphorically “yelling” for me to close it. No. It’s MY door. I liked what On Own Now said recently: Spirituality belongs to us. That’s a very freeing realization and, for me, it leads to more patience with myself and with others. Best wishes.

I could have written what you wrote, except for #9 as I have a pretty good faith that God exists.

Hopefully this won’t hurt your marriage — is everything OK in that regard? Or is your wife going into withdrawal in your marriage about your lack of orthodoxy?

Also, you imply you are thinking of resigning — is this necessary? I find that resigning only subjects people further to the authoritativeness of the church, limits future options of coming back or participating in callings, and provides very little benefit other than perhaps making you feel some retribution in writing the resignation letter. After that,you’ve essentially cut off your options — unless you want to jump through hoops in order to get back into the church again.

Better to just stay on the records as a lukewarm or less active member.

Comments?

I know short thoughts in text format can come across as preachy or harsh, I am really just trying to throw out ideas to think about.

Please don’t apologize. I really appreciate your comments and helping me see things just a little bit differently. Yesterday was a pretty bad day after a pretty bad Sunday, so I was at a bit of a low, and you guys have helped me get through this without making any rash decisions.

I think the thing I am most struggling with right now is a lack of a feeling of belonging in the church. That mostly stems from how I feel about my current ward. If, somehow, I could attend church with the lot of you, how my experience would be different! Just to know that I am sitting next to or near someone who is maybe rolling their eyes at the same thing or feeling frustrated about the same thing or pumping our fists collectively at the same rare instance of open thinking would really help. But if there are people like that in my ward, I don’t know who they are. The bishop’s behavior lately, and the fact that the ENTIRE bishopric knows of my faith struggle and still pretty much ignores me and my family just makes me feel like there’s nothing really there for me.

Again, I know a lot of that is on me, as I don’t take the time to reach out and look for opportunities to serve (although, we did commit to cleaning the church on Friday…a small step but a step nonetheless). This is compounded by the fact that I asked my HPG leader to release me as a Home Teacher and I’m sure word has gotten out about that. I just don’t need that added pressure right now of having to home teach six (yes, six) families in one month while having the second counselor breathing down my neck via email every first Sunday of the month about my report. I simply can’t handle that right now.

So I’m sure that creates a stigma in my ward of people who look at me or treat me differently, and some of that is on me, but I can’t help but feel not very welcome in general. I wish I felt like the church needed me, but I just don’t.

But I have my family to think about, too. To answer someone else’s question, my marriage is suffering as a result of my faith transition, but to my wife’s credit, while this is clearly very hard for her, she has told me multiple times that she is committed to the fact that we are a family first and that is ultimately what matters and even if I were to leave the church, the most important thing is that our family stays together.

She wants the traditional Mormon lifestyle. She wants me to baptize our kids and ordain our son and for him to go on a mission. I want to respect her dreams and wishes, while still remaining true to this new part of me that is emerging, and that’s very difficult as I know all of you already know.

I think the thing I am most struggling with right now is a lack of a feeling of belonging in the church. That mostly stems from how I feel about my current ward. If, somehow, I could attend church with the lot of you, how my experience would be different! Just to know that I am sitting next to or near someone who is maybe rolling their eyes at the same thing or feeling frustrated about the same thing or pumping our fists collectively at the same rare instance of open thinking would really help.

Oh yeah. Most of us have been there in one form or another. That’s whats great about this ward. We’ve all been through it. We’ve rolled our eyes, walked out, pumped our fists (Uchtdorf!), and bit our tongues till bleeding. The double bonus is this ward is open 24/7. If you only use it to vent, it can be a great hall of healing, at the same time it saves us from inflicting unnecessary pain on others.

Second of all – You can have anyone you want on your bench on Sundays. I mean this. When I first began wandering this path, I too yearned for a companion who was just like me. Even though my husband had begun his journey first, he had come to different conclusions than I was coming to. I needed a me buddy. With a little imagination I found them. I call them bench buddies. They are the unseen souls of like minded friends I have met during this process. My first bench buddy was Lavina Anderson. She was excommunicated nearly 30 years ago, she had been a head editor for the Ensign, a robust writer, married to an LDS historian. And in one swoop of opinion, she was cut off. Yet she chose not be cut off. She continued to attend church faithfully, all 3 hours, where she can’t speak or teach. She did find a calling for herself, and asked the Bishop for permission. He granted it and I believe she is still doing that one calling. I chose her as my buddy because of her courage and because of her husbands hymns that are in our present hymn book. They were the perfect paradox. In and Out of the same institution – and still connected to the church and each other.

Over time my bench buddies grew, mine are mostly girls because we girls get girlness – Mercy, Hawk, Jana Reiss, Kristine Haglund, Claudia Bushman, Fiona Givens, Chieko Okazaki. We can talk candidly as sisters when I’m hurting. I’ve now come so far, that I copy articles or comments of theirs and take them with me to read during the tough times. Yesterday I added Ann to my bench. Week after week she brings insights I grow with.

You can do the same. The world of unique Mormons is vast, grab Armaund Mauss or Orson or Mackay – bring them to church with you. Heck why not J.Golden Kimball or Porter Rockwell. Try it, see if it helps. And remember we are all here at this building whenever you need. No white shirt or tie required.