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I think I asked about this once before in some general terms, but I need some advice… I am in a leadership role, though not a very big one.
One of the sisters with whom I have to work is…down right mean. She is toxic to a degree that people avoid her when they can, but are so afraid of her that they dare not avoid her too much. She is the kind of sister who thinks nothing of calling a ward member up on the phone, screaming and insulting them before hanging up on them. To be clear, she only does this when she feels that she, or one of her children, have been wronged, but still…it happens way too often, and NO, her children are not wronged…I promise.
No one dares to “stand up to her” because she is just that volatile. In fact, our new bishop pulled me aside one day and asked if she really was a volatile as he had heard.
:crazy: During our meetings, she uses the public forum to vet her personal grievances with me. It’s not pretty and I actually have a bit of anxiety when a meeting is about to start and she is there.
I’ve asked to be released from my position and was promised that I would be … in March. Nothing has happened.
Do I dare ask again?I can’t NOT do my duties, so I keep plugging away, which might be giving the bishop that I’m okay in my calling. I don’t want to sound like a whiner, but…this just isn’t healthy for me. OR…maybe I just need to learn to handle her and deal with a difficult situation. 🙄 It should be interesting to note that almost everyone who has had to work with this sister in any capacity has asked to be released…from seminary teachers, to SS teachers, to primary presidents.
I have NO idea how to “handle” her…and I once heard that you just can’t stage manage a grizzly bear.
Anyway, some thoughts here would be appreciated.
Sometimes there is just no way to reason with some people. If being released from your calling means you won’t have to deal with her, don’t ask again but instead give notice – tell the bishop that as of x date you will no longer perform the duties of that calling. I think there are two separate (though related) issues: dealing with the Mean Sister (MS) and getting released from your calling. I’ll start with the latter. If you’ve asked to be released, and you were told you would be two months ago, it’s time to go back to the well, but this time, let the Bishop know you have a “hard-stop” on some date (Jun 10, or something like that). The idea is to give him a couple weeks notice, but inform him that you won’t be performing in that calling after that time. Then it becomes his problem and not yours. Bishops drag their feet for very understandable reasons, but two months is too much. The important thing is to be polite and respectful. No emotion, demands, or ultimatums… just clarity.
As for the MS… I’d just figure out a way to limit contact. I, myself, would let the Bishop know that she’s the main reason you want out of your calling. Maybe he’ll get the idea over time that some people just shouldn’t hold any position in the ward. But that’s for him to figure out, not for you to force. It sounds like she’s using the meetings associated with your mutual callings as a venue for berating you. Hopefully, if you can simply get out of a calling together, that will stop. If she still seeks you out, like calling you, or pulling you to the side, then you’ll have to decide what to do, but right now, just limit the interaction and see where that takes you. For me, if it does happen again, I’d have no problem just saying, “Jane, I’m sorry, I can’t help you.” Anything beyond that is too hypothetical at this point.
Re: the mean sister Some people just have issues.
The most important thing is to not take anything they say personally.
- I bet the sister in question has no idea what kind of damage her comments are causing. In some cases pointing it out won’t help, some people aren’t very skilled at looking at themselves from another person’s perspective.
- Constantly remind yourself that you can only change yourself, not others. It can be frustrating and fruitless hoping and waiting for someone else to get better. Also in her eyes she probably sees no wrongdoing on her part so why would she ever need to change?
- Perhaps THE most difficult thing: finding a way to not hold the hateful things that they do against them. Like recognizing that their behavior may not be fully under their control, that it’s their cross to bear but it just so happens to be a cross that makes the person very difficult to be around. We all have crosses to bear but we were a little more fortunate in that ours may not drive people away nearly as bad as theirs does.
- People with caustic personalities like you describe often end up friendless over time and they probably don’t even understand why. Remembering that helps me have a bit of sympathy toward the person.
As far as calling you out in public… what’s the famous phrase? When Peter talks about Paul you learn a lot more about Peter than you do about Paul. It sounds like in your situation you don’t even need to defend yourself. When the mean spirited comments start flowing in public everyone probably thinks “it’s just Sister SoAndSo being Sister SoAndSo.”
Quote:By Sherrie Bourg Carter, Psy.D. on August 7, 2011 – 12:59pm
Our society is more health conscious than ever before. We are paying increased attention to nutrition labels, fitness opportunities, organic alternatives, toxin-free environments, and more.
And yet even many health-conscious people don’t realize that the quality of their relationships can be just as toxic to their health as fast food or a toxic environment. In fact, unhealthy relationships can turn into exactly that—a toxic internal environment that can lead to stress, depression, anxiety, and even medical problems.
In a long-term study that followed more than 10,000 subjects for an average of 12.2 years, researchers discovered that subjects in negative relationships were at a greater risk for developing heart problems, including a fatal cardiac event, than counterparts whose close relationships were not negative.
Toxic relationships can take many forms—toxic partners, toxic friendships, toxic parent/child relationships, or toxic coworkers, to name just a few. No relationship, of course, is blissful and conflict-free all the time. How do you know if you’re in a toxic relationship? Your answers to these questions can help you figure it out:
When you’re with the person, do you usually feel content, even energized? Or do you often feel unfulfilled and drained?
After you spend time with him or her, do you usually feel better or worse about yourself?
Do you feel physically and or emotionally safe with this person, or do you ever feel threatened or in danger?
Is there a fairly equal “give and take,” or do you feel like you’re always giving and he or she is always taking?
Is the relationship characterized by feelings of security and contentment, or drama and angst?
Do you feel like he or she is happy with who you are, or do you feel like you have to change to make him or her happy?
Now compare your answers to the following characteristics of healthy and toxic relationships:
Healthy relationships are characterized by: compassion, security, safety, freedom of thinking, sharing, listening, mutual love and caring, healthy debates and disagreements, and respectfulness, especially when there are differences in opinions.
Toxic relationships are characterized by: insecurity, abuse of power and control, demandingness, selfishness, insecurity, self-centeredness, criticism, negativity, dishonesty, distrust, demeaning comments and attitudes, and jealousy.
In short, healthy relationships tend to leave you feeling happy and energized. Toxic relationships tend to leave you feeling depressed and depleted.
Changing Toxic Relationships
The first step to changing a toxic relationship is to recognize you’re in one. Many people in unhealthy relationships are in denial, even when friends or family members can see the danger signs and have told them so.
The next step, equally as important, is to believe that you deserve to be treated with respect, love, and compassion. There are many reasons people stay in unhealthy relationships, but one common one is underlying low self-esteem that makes some people believe that they don’t deserve anything better. This kind of change in thinking, however, may not come easily, and may require professional support from an objective third party, such as a counselor or a life coach.
Once you come to believe that you deserve to be treated differently, the next step—addressing toxic behavior when it occurs—becomes easier. When doing this, use “I” statements as much as possible, to reduce the likelihood of a defensive reaction. For example: “I feel like you find fault in almost everything I do and it makes me feel [fill in the blank]. I (love/respect/care about) you, and I’d appreciate it if you would stop [fill in the blank].”
(Note: You should only do this if it is safe. If you are in a physically abusive relationship, this kind of confrontation may not be safe. Before doing anything that risks your safety, you should contact a professional with experience dealing with domestic violence or contact the National Domestic Violence Hotline for more information.)
Finally, if nothing you do or say changes the toxic behavior, consider separating yourself or at least distancing yourself from the source of the toxicity. For partners, this may mean temporary or permanent separation. For parents and children, this may mean having less contact. For coworkers, this may mean distancing yourself as much as is feasible. But doing nothing will only expose you to the unhealthy physical and psychological effects of stress and ongoing conflict.
Positive relationships are an important part of the formula for a healthy, well-balanced life. So make sure your health-conscious lifestyle doesn’t leave out this crucial ingredient.
I’ve had to deal with or set boundaries or outright leave toxic relationships, including family. This is excellent advice about what is healthy and what is a toxic relationship. Setting boundaries helps, if they do not respect the boundaries then reduced or eliminated contact is necessary. At no time should the toxicity be excused or rationalized(as is pretty standard among most people). But not attacking the person is crucial to give them a chance to change or respect your boundaries.
Sounds like borderline personality. Unless she recognizes the problem all you can do is set boundaries, keep her at arms length and make it clear in that you won’t tolerate personal attacks. Tell the bishop, good luck. I think I would like to have a picture of the volatile sister’s background…is she married to a member /non member…is she a single mum or a divorced mum..all this can have bearing on her behaviour to some extent, depending on how your ward treats its members by marital status… she may have gotten passed herself and now be plain defensive and volatile with everyone if her experiences have not been good…on the other hand she might well have mental health issues…i I would go to the Bishop, smile and say I’m glad I’m not in his shoes, and then lay it all on the line with him as you did here – especially the calling and screaming and the concern that she has a mental issue that makes her volatile. I would tell him you have tried to stay calm and charitable, but that you simply can’t take it anymore without it damaging your emotional and spiritual health. I might even say that you are concerned that her attitude and actions might be like a communicable disease in a way – that you don’t want to start getting sick from the constant exposure. Normally, I wouldn’t recommend that, but this is an unhealthy situation – especially if she drives everyone to ask to be released. It also helps that he has asked if she really is as unstable as others have said, since it means he won’t be shocked or blind-sided by what you say.
I agree with Ray, and I would just add that releasing you won’t fix the problem for the bishop. He’s going to have to figure out what to do about this person who is causing people to quit their callings. That’s why laying it all out is helpful to him in the long run. He’s going to have to both replace you and figure out what to do about her. Unfortunately, if she is BPD, wow, that’s almost impossible to address without it blowing up. I wouldn’t hold much hope if so.
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