Who would you want to counsel you?

I had a counselor for a time and one of the key elements we covered was faith crisis (didn’t call it that). At no time did we talk about specific of why, only effects. He was a non-member who had very little prior interaction with the Church, as far as I can tell. It was wonderful. I believe it helped me that he wasn’t connected with the Church, because it made the whole thing much more about me and how I was handling it, than about the Church or the perception of the Church about me. In fact, I think that has carried over into how I view myself and the Church now. We are acquainted with each other… the Church and I. Sometimes we have lunch together. Sometimes we text each other. But we don’t share a towel. And we respect each other’s space.

For my part, I wouldn’t want to have JD as a counselor. A counselor should be independent in order to provide clarity, IMO. I wouldn’t want a member of the Church counselling me on faith crisis for obvious reasons, but for the exact same reasons, I wouldn’t want a disaffected member or former member or non-believing member counseling me either. The best counselor would be one who says, “Tell me about the Mormon Church and why it creates a struggle for you.” JD would bring WAY too much of himself into the conversation. JD would be a great FRIEND to have, because of our shared experiences. Counselor… that just wouldn’t work for me.

Good point — I was assuming it had to be a member.

How would you feel about dragging all the dirty church laundry in front of a non-member? I have done it, unfortunately. I never feel good about saying things about the church that bother me, or that are flaws. But I have done so in certain situations when someone was trying to help me, as with a weight loss problem I was battling years ago. They asked what triggered my deviations from my weight plan, and boredom was one of them — something I experienced at church.

I had a counselor for a time and one of the key elements we covered was faith crisis (didn’t call it that). At no time did we talk about specific of why, only effects. He was a non-member who had very little prior interaction with the Church, as far as I can tell. It was wonderful. I believe it helped me that he wasn’t connected with the Church, because it made the whole thing much more about me and how I was handling it, than about the Church or the perception of the Church about me. In fact, I think that has carried over into how I view myself and the Church now. We are acquainted with each other… the Church and I. Sometimes we have lunch together. Sometimes we text each other. But we don’t share a towel. And we respect each other’s space.

For my part, I wouldn’t want to have JD as a counselor. A counselor should be independent in order to provide clarity, IMO. I wouldn’t want a member of the Church counselling me on faith crisis for obvious reasons, but for the exact same reasons, I wouldn’t want a disaffected member or former member or non-believing member counseling me either. The best counselor would be one who says, “Tell me about the Mormon Church and why it creates a struggle for you.” JD would bring WAY too much of himself into the conversation. JD would be a great FRIEND to have, because of our shared experiences. Counselor… that just wouldn’t work for me.

This, actually it’s what I did. And still do. If I sufficient experience with the person for them to know me well and be completely independent of either side and be intelligent, know the various psychology used on both sides and the functions behind it and just make decisions with what we do know for sure outside of the church about how life works, how various things function, how the brain functions and the knowledge and science behind it. And then after that’s complied and worked out go back to the church and deal with and interact with people based in that and knowing what is objectively fair helping people on your own terms and working with faith from your own mind and conscious with knowing personality and to how to work with and manage those in positive ways whole keeping your basic human rights in tact.

writer 63… well, I don’t live in Utah, so finding a non-mormon counselor was natural; it would have been a challenge to find a mormon counselor. If you live in Utah, I’d suggest contacting the local Catholic parish and ask them for a recommendation.

Last few sentences are a wrap-up of my relationship with the Church. I’ve been in this faith transition for nearly two decades, so it’s probably easier for me to do this than it was early-on, but I have gotten to the point where I don’t view myself through the Church’s lens. I am who I am. Part of who I am is the Mormon heritage and culture. I find many avenues for spirituality within the construct of the Church. I find plenty to gripe about too, but I’ve gotten to a place where I mostly just ignore those. I participate in Church. I have many ward-member friends. I have a calling, but I don’t kill myself for it. I get to know the missionaries serving locally. Some people know about me, others don’t, I just don’t find that it matters anymore. I occasionally read from my NT, but never from the strictly LDS scripture, and also not from the OT. They are there, but I don’t fret over them. They just are of no use to me personally. One side effect of all this is that I honestly feel much more accepting of people if they are all-in with the Church. Everybody has what they believe it, and that’s fine by me. I don’t think of it as a contest. I don’t think of my way as better… better for me, but I know lots of people for whom the LDS Church is better for them.

I have a question — what church status would you want a person to have if they were to counsel you in your faith/commitment crisis? Or would it be irrelevant?

It would depend on too many variables to list. If you count extended family, too, I’ve seen good outcomes with both non-LDS and LDS counselors and psychiatrists. I’ve spent very little time in Utah or adjacent states and haven’t had the option of making religion a criteria in choosing providers.

This question reminds me of women feeling so strongly that they want female OB-GYNs. If you do, that’s all fine and good, but I think the assumption that you’ll get better care is faulty.

writer63… from a thread in February:

…be patient about finding a counselor that works for you and your style. I struck out a few times before I found one that really helped. They are all very different. There are different branches of psychology, and these are applied by counselors in a variety of ways, so, again, find one that works for you. I would suggest specifically talking to them about their approach. Here’s a primer on the types of therapy:

http://www.counselling-directory.org.uk/counselling.html

I personally found behavioral psychology the best way to approach my issues. It’s different for everybody, which is why there are different types still alive and well today. Look at the various types. Pick an approach you agree with. Find a handful of psychologists in your area, then meet with them. I knew right away if a counselor was going to work for me or not. Some of them are pretty full of themselves. I met with one woman who had a 2000-dollar recliner that she sat in during our first and only session.

The issues I dealt with weren’t the Church directly, but rather how to navigate a situation in which my family was still in all the way with the Church, but I no longer believed. That, alone, is a major topic and wouldn’t be confined to strictly Mormonism. So, for me, we never talked about the translation of the BofM. We talked about openness, support, love, priorities, adjusting, finding joy, etc. As you said, a counselor is best as an impartial observer who can help us sort through our internal problems.